There are different definitions on dating. I am not going to cheat on my wife. At least not physically. It is extremely hard not to get into an EA. I have danced with the devil on that front. But I did not dive in. I just sat on the edge. I am out of it now. I know my W is too comfortable with me. So I have been going out. I have not taken a specific woman anywhere yet but it is not out of the question. I want to go dancing. My Wife does not want to. Soooo if the opportunity comes up I will ask a female to go DANCING with me. (Horizontal not vertical). No sex. This book is good but you have to pick a chose with it. I am only 1/2 way through it. I prefer to be the one chased / pursued. My son is 10. I figure I have 8 years at the most to deal with this. Good luck mark. We all played the games. We all snooped, put pictures out, and gave gifts. But works the best so far for me was doing nothing that I didn't want to do. If I want to give a gift it's ok but just because I want to not because I love her. Just Like I would gives a gift to a coworker.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
OK, I get it. I too danced with the devil with online relationships. Thankfully, both times I was able to extinguish the relationships when I detected an EA developing. I never got "strung out."
OK, so last week, my wife (who is at this very minute naked in bed with another man) discovered that I had been browsing yahoo.com personals (their dating site). This upset her greatly. I just shrugged it off like it was nothing. And it was. I didn't excuse it, explain it, justify it. I just acted like, "so what?"
What I was really doing was looking at what was "out there" near where I live. I don't know any single women near my age who live nearby. I was just looking at the landscape, that's all.
At the time (and even now) I found her hypocrisy galling. She complains when I LOOK, yet does not hesitate to sleep with another man. What's is wrong with her? She was upset!!! Wow.
Because of her strong reaction, I will not be dating, (or even dancing). All it will accomplish is permit her to justify the affair, and push her further away from me. It may be right in other situations, but not mine. For me, my GAL's will be very platonic.
BTW husband... you have it backward. I think you mean "vertical not horizontal" !!!!!! We all knew what you meant!!!
BTW husband... you have it backward. I think you mean "vertical not horizontal" !!!!!! We all knew what you meant!!!
Mark
Got me, Everybody is different. What works for one does not work for another? Try it your way for awhile. If nothing changes ya have to do something else. You said she would get upset if you dated so you are giving her the power over your decision not to date. I'm not saying you should date but sometimes it helps to listen to what you are really saying. We are all learning. I am no expert but the book does have a good saying:
there are three kinds of people. 1 the dumb ones who don’t learn. 2 The smart ones who learn from their own mistakes. 3 the wise ones, the ones who learn from other people’s mistakes.”
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Update... I wish I could say that I am doing well with this, but I cannot. My anxiety level is off the chart. I went out and ran an additional 2 miles and did more push-ups than I can count, all to no avail. Knowing that she didn't shower before she left (presumably so she can share the event in a hotel room with him) is really more than I can handle. I try to tell myself she is mentally unbalanced and acting like a 14 year old. It does not help.
We will not be going to the amusement park tomorrow. She took the kids' season passes with her. Need to find something else to do. I will find a movie or something.
Also, regarding when she calls tonite: I have decided to really throw her for a loop. See, I had this vision: I imagined her calling here and encountering a surly and grumpy husband. At the end of the call, she would no doubt hang-up and tell her lover, "Boy, is he pissed!!" And he would respond, "Good!" (remember, I am a lousy husband and she should divorce me ASAP). OK, imagine this. Instead of me being surly and grumpy, I am cheerful and upbeat. What in the world would she say to him then? She will be really thrown off. I am chuckling to myself thinking about it... I will tell her that we are all having a great time. She will be the one missing out! This is textbook DBing strategy, and I will put it into place. I will do the opposite of what comes naturally.
Thanks for reading my "daily journal." And thanks for your support.
Also, regarding when she calls tonite: I have decided to really throw her for a loop. See, I had this vision: I imagined her calling here and encountering a surly and grumpy husband. At the end of the call, she would no doubt hang-up and tell her lover, "Boy, is he pissed!!" And he would respond, "Good!" (remember, I am a lousy husband and she should divorce me ASAP). OK, imagine this. Instead of me being surly and grumpy, I am cheerful and upbeat. What in the world would she say to him then? She will be really thrown off. I am chuckling to myself thinking about it... I will tell her that we are all having a great time. She will be the one missing out! This is textbook DBing strategy, and I will put it into place. I will do the opposite of what comes naturally.
Now you are being a "Wise" one.
But now here is where you are slipping I know it's hard. But your mind puts things into place that you don't know. But you think them so it becomes real. YOU DON"T KNOW she is going to shower with him.
Welcome to my nightmare
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Actually, I do. He has a medical condition that causes excessive sweating. I know exactly what their schedule was. He picked her up at the airport around 9:00AM. They drove about three hours, arriving around noon. Along the way, he's sweating like a steamfitter. They arrive, and both need to "clean up." Their event starts at 7:00 PM. That gives them lots of time to get dirty again...
I sincerely believe they planned this out. Whatever... it does not change my approach or attitude. I will be the wise one!
Mark, I think your plan is great. I totally get it, too. I'm on day 8 with no fighting with H and being really pleasant/upbeat/busy. in fact, I only wish I could be a fly on the wall when he goes to therapy tomorrow...first time in a while he won't have me to use "look at my psycho/emotional/desperate wife." He'll have to actually look at himself, hopefully it will swing a bit in my favor. and hopefully the same thing will with your wife.
I also get what you are saying when you imagine the showering, etc. I do stuff like that, too, and it sucks. its so detrimental, at least while you are trying to make things worse. I'm certainly not pefect with it, but starting to use my Stop! mantra more and more. As soon as my mind starts to go to things like that, I literally just say stop and go on to something else. so far its helping most of the time. not all the time, mind you, but some of it.
good luck, hope your plan makes you feel better. now you need to schedule a nice massage to help ease those tired muscles!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
When she comments, "You are being too nice to me -- it's manipulative." Don't answer. If she asks for an explanation, you say, "Hun, this is certauinly a difficult time for both of us, but what's the point in sulking and being miserable, when there's so much in my life to be thankful for and happy about?"
Here are my suggestions:
1. As you got it in the book DR, don't chase. 2. See a lawyer, quickly -- to get information to protect yourself financially and regarding your rights to the children. 3. Do not cooperate with the Divorce. If she files, stall if you can. If you can't stall, use a lawyer and a mediator. This makes the process less adverserial 4. Do not, under any circimstance, move out of the house. It gives you a disadvantage with custody issues. In addition, most WAW's need us to "unseat" ourselves from being the man of the house. They won't leave without the kids. They can't leave with them, unless the divorce is final. So...they must get YOU to leave and conspire with them against your marriage and children. 5. Remember, your wife may, indeed be temporarily insane. She might snap out of it. On the other hand, she may not. Don;t take everythign she says to heart. 6. She's paritally right: your upbeat self is your current attempt to slow down the freefall and turn her around. It's that way for all of us at the beginning. If you are only doing this stuff to save your marrriage, then, she'll smell it a mile away. In the end, many of us realize that the marriage was a wake-up call for us to stop sleepwalking though life. 7. Two things will turn this around for you. First, when you stop being afraid of losing her. Second, when you realize that you don't need her to be happy. This takes time. When you are happy and joyful and don't need her to be or do anything, you will take the pressure off her. Right now, both you and your wife believe that SHE is necessary for YOUR happiness. Once you both cease to believe that, there's a shot for you to turn this around. 8. Now, the key is your get a life plan. (GAL). I'll offer some suggestions. 9. Is seems like you excercize. It's a big help. Keep it up. I might note that things like runnign and biking, however cardiovascularly helpful, still don't engage your mind. I found that during and after a bike ride, I would still ruminate on the situation and get super-mad.. So...my next recommendation. 10. Excercize/hobbies that require extreme laser-like focus. Things like dancing, karate, rick-climbing, kick-boxing, fencing, painting etc. They force you to remain in the present, and stop you from thinking about the past or worrying about the future. I recoomend the martial arts because they also build your self-confidence and sense of personal power. They are zen-like. 11. Take up old hobbies, think of new ones. 12. Gather a group of supportive friends and family around you. You don;t have to tell all of them the gory details, but there must be 2-3 that you can trust. 13. Ask yourself some key questions. What is my call to adventure? What should I do with my life? Is my career stalled? What is my mission in life? If you genuinely get excited about your life (not just put on the DB "happy" face) then you will be very attractive. 14. As you know, most affairs implode. Be patient. 15. If you can renew your spiritual practices, like praying or going to church, do so.
[ Actually, I do. He has a medical condition that causes excessive sweating. I know exactly what their schedule was. He picked her up at the airport around 9:00AM. They drove about three hours, arriving around noon. Along the way, he's sweating like a steamfitter. They arrive, and both need to "clean up." Their event starts at 7:00 PM. That gives them lots of time to get dirty again...
Dude
this is great. Think about it. Right now your wife is on a drug. It's new and exciting. Whoopee. But after the drug wares off (the newness) the first thing that going to hit her is this guy stinks.
It's hard I know. I might sound ok right now but I have my bad days also. WE ALL DO. Go with the flow, Smile and wave. If you don't give her anything to talk to the OM about and if the OM starts saying things about you she just might come to your defense...
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Actually, I do. He has a medical condition that causes excessive sweating. I know exactly what their schedule was. He picked her up at the airport around 9:00AM. They drove about three hours, arriving around noon. Along the way, he's sweating like a steamfitter. They arrive, and both need to "clean up." Their event starts at 7:00 PM. That gives them lots of time to get dirty again...
How do you know all this?
If it's snooping, then you know it's only harmful to your mindset. If you need evidence for the affair, hire an investigator.
