Can I get your thoughts on something - do I say anything about any of this to H tonight?? That I'm figuring out what to do to take better care of myself? Or just let it go for now?
I apologized this morning for the way I addressed some of it last night.. maybe that's enough. I dunno it just seems wrong to ignore the whole conversation like it never happened - more of the same, more of avoiding conflict and difficult conversations.
I'm just not sure.
I also have no doubt he plans to continue hanging out with OW/PW since he sees nothing wrong with it once again. Do I just ignore it until MC and/or until I figure out what to do? I hate to continue playing stupid or acting like it's ok when it isn't, but it seems sort of pointless to keep repeating myself too.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
OT - I'm not sure I know the answer but I'm also not sure I understand what you mean, about protecting the M from myself??
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Ah I see what you're saying. Yeah, I am. (my first thought was you were telling me that my "true self" wasn't good enough for M... geez.. issues to work on there)
If I didn't have that fear what would I do? I honestly don't know.
On the first part talking about me figuring out how to take care of myself better... I'd like to think that H is at least a friend right now and a friend would want to know what was going on with me? And hopefully be in my corner as I figure out how to stand up for myself. But then since it's his behavior I'm standing up against does that even make any sense??
On the second part addressing the contact with OW/PW until I figure out what to do... if I were unafraid of hurting my M... I would keep pushing to be told the truth. And honestly, probably issue some kind of ultimatem. The contact stops now, or we're separating again until the contact stops (if ever). But I agree with you that I'm really not ready to do that.
No go on the bedroom thing for now. Either be there, or don't, but that separate bedroom thing seldom ends well IMHO. What has been working for YOU is that he has had more positive moments with the R when you and he have good times together, and when you went on vacation by yourself he got worried and scared.
So - why not just schedule the MC and leave off R discussions until then - when you're with him, continue to show him the positive you that he will be missing - take one meeting with an attorney to find out your rights about the house etc. - start squirreling away a secret stash of cash for emergencies - take a road trip one weekend to visit a DB friend - let him wonder
And most of all, decide what you really want. He's like a drug addict right now, he needs his "fix". He won't quit until the costs of continuing it are more than the high. If you had plenty of money, would you still be there? Can you move in with family or friends and still pay your share of the mortgage? Can you file and force a sale of the house? Get legal advice before you do anything.
Me, I'M tired of him! But if you still want him, stick to your boundaries and start letting him wonder about you again.
Ellie - thanks for the feedback. You're right on about what's been working. haha sorry you're tired of him.. I forget sometimes that we mostly see the very worst about people's spouses here. There really is a lot of good there too, or I'd be gone.
If I had plenty of money I'd be on a cruise in the tropics right now... But on a serious note, I do still think I would be there. I'd feel a little more secure though - less worried about losing so much financially. I could theoretically move in with either of my parents but not for very long for sanity reasons (I'm talking a week at most). I am putting money aside and my legal service actually just kicked in - there was a 6 month waiting period for Sep/D issues - so I will get that consult scheduled too, good idea.
Filing and forcing any kind of sale is pretty much last on the list of things I'd want to do. If it came to that my guess is that one of us would buy the other out and keep the house... but that's getting way ahead of myself right now I think.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
OT, you didn't even sound like yourself in that post!
Nikki, OT is right not to jump in to a decision, especially when it seems like your making the decision based on what you think you should do, and not what you want/need to do.
I'll check in again and finish reading.
Sorry for the crazy night you had, and good job appologizing for attacking him. He really needs to understand that it's not about any sparks. Love is a commitment and a choice. when you give more of yourself to a person, you will get more in return as a feeling. However, most WAS don't get that and so we have to "teach" them.
okay, hope your doing better, and definitely make the MC appoint. I know it's sooooo easy to let H comfort you when things are messed up, I did the same thing, but OT is right about H not respecting you right now and it's not giving him the right "feedback" (for lack of a better word).
take care Nikki, and definitely get back to Galing.
If you do decide to send him to another room...you could tell him that while he contintues to have association with OW you do not want him sleeping in the same bedroom. You do not consider yourselves M if both of you are not going to work on the M together. And if/when he makes that choice to put the M first and give you the respect you deserve, you would love to begin your M over again.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
But on a serious note, I do still think I would be there. I'd feel a little more secure though - less worried about losing so much financially. I could theoretically move in with either of my parents but not for very long for sanity reasons (I'm talking a week at most). I am putting money aside and my legal service actually just kicked in - there was a 6 month waiting period for Sep/D issues - so I will get that consult scheduled too, good idea. 