Hi all! Thanks for stopping by. Hope life is treating you each well.
I've continued to feel great and for that I am so thankful. I've been able to have my moments of sadness, anxiety, etc. without them throwing me off, or worrying that I'm going to get stuck in a funk. I just feel stronger. Yay me! I have taken things a bit easy as of late, but I don't feel too guilty about it. Been getting out some and also enjoying my time at home. Dogs are lovin' that the rain is gone again probably as much as I am. Saw this movie Away From Her last weekend. Could be a tough one to see in our sitches, but found it worth it.
Still not finished with my online course. Just a couple exams left. I've been dragging my feet on it. I've had my fears about this career path being right for me, and have done some over-analyzing I'm sure many would say. Didn't help that I came across the book The 4-Hour Work Week. Had added this guy's website to my faves a few months ago, before his book came out too. It's going to be a challenge to get started in RE sales while still owning my life. I then start going back to the thought of just divorcing, uprooting, and moving to a tropical beach.
On the M front.... I have been feeling more and more over my H, but also have been able to truly forgive him even more... just accept things for what they are. With the time I've had to heal, I am able to really take even more responsibility for my part in things. I used to end up blaming myself too much, be too hard on myself, and in those times forget all that HE was, is, and has done. I still do wonder if things could be different with us and haven't stopped standing, but don't just hope they will be. Things are and will continue to be different for me, that's for sure.
On that subject, this morning there was a call from my H's work. The voicemail was from a guy in Employee Services calling him back about some Deferred Compensation info he'd asked about, and the guy apologized for calling him "at home" but said his message had got cut off so he didn't get his ph#. That sort of excuse for these guys to call here to the house about stuff like that seems to be pretty common. Part of me wonders if its no accident. I handled it surprisingly well. I wondered if I shouldn't be freaking about it, as it's likely he is taking a loan from it (which he can do tax free apparently) or preparing to file. Either way, I figure there is nothing I can do about it and am not gonna sweat it.
Sorry this is so long-winded.
So, a little later, I decided to send the following text to him.....
Quote:
Hi H. how r u? Hope good. Thanks 4 your help with finances. I really appreciate it. Need to pay a few more bills this week & there might be enough $. Think about u often. Wish u happiness. Hope ur enjoying your summer. Take care.
He texted back the following....
Quote:
I think of u all the time. Sometimes it is unbearable. I know, hard to understand. The finances r hard but its cool. I will try and get a hold of u soon. God we need 2 talk soon. Hope all is going well. Bye. Love ya and i do miss u guys.
I didn't text back again. It's so funny how predictable he is. Just trying to keep me waiting. I think he might be fairly agreeable to mediate or collaborate if I was to ask him to D soon.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
You sound so awsome.. Calm and cool just like HS said. I really like the part about you forgiving your H. Someday I hope to get to the same place. Good for you!
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
On the M front.... I have been feeling more and more over my H, but also have been able to truly forgive him even more... just accept things for what they are. With the time I've had to heal, I am able to really take even more responsibility for my part in things. I used to end up blaming myself too much, be too hard on myself, and in those times forget all that HE was, is, and has done. I still do wonder if things could be different with us and haven't stopped standing, but don't just hope they will be. Things are and will continue to be different for me, that's for sure.
I didn't text back again. It's so funny how predictable he is. Just trying to keep me waiting. I think he might be fairly agreeable to mediate or collaborate if I was to ask him to D soon.
Good morning J, solid post here. You sound like your thoughts are processing exactly as they should be. I was so glad to see you say how predictable he was and that you are clearly seeing his angles that he uses. It has taken you a while, but you are really starting to understand how he works.
By the way, thanks for always checking in on my thread
f21 - hi there. You sound so good, you're really an inspiration!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Haven't posted in a long time. Things have been good for me. Had a great time in Denver, meeting all the DBers who showed up for the weekend get-together. Good peeps.
Thought I'd post tonight, as I am feeling like I've reached a different/new place for the moment. I know it's not going to sound so new or diff, but it feels like it to me.... I don't choose to re-live anything in the past and I have come a long way after all these years.
To catch up... I have pretty much felt over my H and my C told me the last time I saw him that he did NOT see in me someone in love with or missing him. I figured I just need to get onto divorcing him.
Today I spent my day taking practice exams online preparing for my state exam to get my real estate\ license. It was perfect weather, so I was out in the backyard with my dogs and my laptop.
Since I got home on Monday, I have been missing my H. I thought it'd pass, as I was tired from the weekend. Today, the thoughts and memories were intense although I felt strong and in a good place. Tonight, I came back from picking/eating blueberries and blackberries with my doggies to a text message from my H that made me break down into tears.
He had called last week (Thursday and Saturday), just to hear my voice... I didn't talk to him. I did get back to him though, and was friendly... told him I hoped he was doing okay. He texted back (Monday) and said he was doing ok. Yesterday, I texted him about being short on money. Kinda hated going to him about it, but decided to... and had told him I hoped it wouldn't be long before he'd be free of this financial responsibility and that I'd try to borrow whatever he couldn't come up with. He was getting back to me about that and said...
Quote:
Dang. I cant get money in until tomorrow. I will call u. Hope u take my call. I miss u guys so much! I love u.
It's likely he has borrowed money from his deferred compensation if he has this money to deposit, which wouldn't be so good. But, it's pretty nice that he is trying so hard here AND being so nice. It wasn't so long ago that he would've been a complete jerk to me about this. Don't quite know how I should feel about this.... if I should be skeptical.
Don't know if he is cycling and/or trying to manipulate me so that he can drag this out and not have to go through with D yet, simply because of finances. He has a friend he works with who I believe did just that, and he could be trying to hide money in the meantime.
My gut/heart say not. I have once again been feeling hopeful. That is a little scary... but not so much, since I am so much stronger than I have been in a long time... maybe ever. I don't know. Not sure how to take this, or handle it.
He often says he will call, but doesn't. Then out of the blue he will, and I won't feel like taking his call. It's nice to have warning. We'll see how it goes.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Good to catch up with you. Hooray for you on going for your real estate license. I think that once you're set up and making some sales (and hence getting some income) that you'll be less dependent on H. Right now you still need him to help with the finances but eventually you won't. At that time, will there be a need or a desire to contact him again? You've come so far in the past year and it still seems like your H tries to take you down the same paths, that do not lead anywhere.
Where do you want to go F21?
Me: 41 H: 42 Married: 13Y, together 24 Kids: S11, S9, D6 Bomb: 7/11/06, now piecing
Great meeting you also this weekend, you are just one more example of what are our WASs thinking? Sorry to hear that you're feeling torn again, not because I think you should do one thing or another, but because I know it just SUCKS.
I'm no expert, so all I got is...try to focus on the day-to-day or even getting through the next hour or few minutes. Working on your license and getting busy with all that after you've gotten it should help, I imagine. Stay busy and know that you don't have to do anything until you're good and ready. In addition, just put yourself first as much as possible, i.e. what does f21 WANT or NEED? Hope you feel better soon...hang in there until it does.
Oh, and thanks for the message regarding my travel day from hell - would have responded but - well, I was in travel hell... Finally made it back though!
Kev
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius
"God alone decides the contest; but we must put our shoulders to the wheel." -Adm. D.G. Farragut
Kevin-38; XW-36 M-2.5, together 4 Bomb-1/6/07; D-6/27/07
Hey HS, Care, and Kman!!! Great hearing from you! Thank you guys. I am feeling good and strong.
HS... I used the term cycling simply with his patterns in mind, which are similar to MLC. I agree that I'm not needing him. It's really nice too. I didn't have to go to him about the finances, but I chose to. I've even been feeling okay with selling the house. As far as him having to win me back... I absolutely agree, but I also have to win him back too in a way. How would it look having him try to win me back?... asking me out on dates, opening up to me, being honest, treating me with respect... being loving and thoughtful... a one-woman man. I could go on and on. I think he might be trying to do that now, but it could simply be him trying to find peace.
Care... I really appreciate your take... that my H tries to take me down paths that don't lead anywhere. That's a good reminder for me. I've been thinking that might be what my C could be telling me now if I were to talk with him, but who knows. I see him again next week. I am aware that I'm feeling more hope again... but I don't know if that is truly good for me. The good thing is I feel like I still have my head on straight. I would love a great R with that someone special, with openness and honesty, COMMITMENT, lots of love and patience, and a willingness on both sides to work at it. I like to think my H is capable of that, but that might not be the case.
Kman... well, fortunately it's not feeling sucky to feel a bit torn... at least not so far. That may come later though, I know. I'm just at a new place and not 100% sure about what to do with it, especially considering my H now wants to meet. Yep, I will keep on with my RE stuff and keep the focus on me. As you know, I have some decisions to make there so I have a lot to keep me busy. As far as what I have been wanting... to move on with my love life... either be on my own, or have my H IN this M.
He called this morning, and we talked for half an hour. He said he doesn't have the money we need, felt bad, and didn't know what to do about it. I told him not to worry about it, and thanked him for all that he's been doing to help out. Told him again that I hope it won't be long before he doesn't have that responsibility anymore.... he said it IS his responsibility though. Nice change. He got upset and started to get emotional when I told him I didn't think borrowing from his deferred comp was a good idea though if that's what he was considering (after he said he'd talked to some people about other options for his debt)... he asked why, are you divorcing me and want half of my pension? I told him it wasn't like that and asked him to please not jump to conclusions. He said he has been really angry lately, which came as a little surprise since I have not been getting that from him. Guess that means I did a good job with my boundaries. Yay me. He said he just doesn't have peace with the past and repeated this, adding that he still has a lot of hurt. I said I was sorry, and that I understand. Turns out he had some sort of incident at work recently and was put on paid administrative leave for a couple days. He didn't tell me the story, but said they were being really good to him about it since he has a great record. Said he is going to be put in C now, which he thought was good... and that it will probably include anger management.
He stopped himself from talking about needing peace with the past, as he was on his way to a meeting at work and didn't want to get emotional. He asked if I would like to go surfing with him sometime and talk about that stuff, and I said that would be nice. He then suggested just coming over to the house and playing some bocce ball with me and talking. I was cool with that too. So that's where we stand. A little surprising that he wants to TALK, as he has been one to avoid it.
He called after his meeting, to say thanks for listening. I thanked him for sharing. He apparently hasn't slept much the last couple nights and was going to sleep now. I was getting the feeling he might just end up blowing it off as he so often does, so I told him I would really like to meet and talk. We'll see when he calls again. In the meantime... life goes on.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Whoops, sorry - didn't mean to assign suckiness where there isn't any.
You do sound really good, and that's nice to see. Sounds like you are handling everything as best you can and taking care of f21. Keep up the great work-
Kev
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius
"God alone decides the contest; but we must put our shoulders to the wheel." -Adm. D.G. Farragut
Kevin-38; XW-36 M-2.5, together 4 Bomb-1/6/07; D-6/27/07
