Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

I just got off the phone with his mother. One thing that I did when my H and I started having problems is I pulled back from her; that was disappointing for her. Created a void between us. She quit calling me to do things and I never called her, so our relationship withered. *sigh* I so wish I hadn't done that. I wish that she would have said something about it sooner (than now) but she said she didn't think I would have "heard" her at that point in my life; but who's to know for sure.

I think that from her perspective, he probably *would* be better off with someone who is more open and fits in better with them. *double sigh* Did she say that directly? No. Did she say I should work on opening up, reaching out to people, fitting in better - Yes.

From how she talks, it seems that it is a forgone conclusion that we will end up divorced. She wasn't mean or spiteful at all; more like "I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at J. I think he did the best he could and he tried and sometimes these things just don't work out." UGH

Kinda bummed that J is going to see them tonight for his bday. Hate to think what will be said about me tonight.

I told her that "forever the optimist" I thought that if we had a break and I did some growing and J got whatever out of his system that we could salvage the marriage. She was quiet; then said "yeah. You never really know what's going to happen in the future. But you need to do what is best for you for now."

I did apologize and said "If J and I get back together, I'll be calling YOU to get together for lunch" and she laughed and said "and you'll pay!" and I said "Yep-I'll pay and you can order the lobster!" So, we kinda laughed at that.

The convo ended awkwardly; I wanted to say "I love you" but then wasn't sure and we kinda stumbled around and said good bye.

That's it! I'm calling her and saying it. I chickened out the first time, so I'll just say "I did it again-let fear stand in my way; never more- I love you."