Theo - I think you are right. The affection that may be a positive in some sitch's is a neutral in yours and mine. I'm sick of it.. I'm sick of feeling like crap all time.. I'm sick of his f'ing cell phone.. I'm sick of him and his feelings of entitlement.. I'm sick of carrying his "secret" and his shame around on my shoulders.
We've had the tm/phone call boundary conversation before. He doesn't actually answer her calls/tm's or call her in front of me but I have recently (on weekends) walked up/overheard him while he's outside. Isn't summer great with the all of windows open?? I guess mispoke myself - I "overheard" the convos which I think should happen at the neighborhood gas station instead.
ps - shut him down all last week; got weak over the weekend -he was being nice.. stupid...
"ps - shut him down all last week; got weak over the weekend -he was being nice.. stupid... " You were not weak, You just teased him with what he will be without.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I think you are right. The affection that may be a positive in some sitch's is a neutral in yours and mine. I'm sick of it.. I'm sick of feeling like crap all time.. I'm sick of his f'ing cell phone.. I'm sick of him and his feelings of entitlement.. I'm sick of carrying his "secret" and his shame around on my shoulders.
It's not even that the affection isn't positive, per say -- it's just that our spouses are OK with loving two people. They are crazy about the OP and sort of attached to us in some way. It's because we view ourselves as disposeable that we get treated as disposeable. The reason it goes on is because we allow it to. So positive things are positive, but it doesn't mean the situation is moving foward. It's just stuck. Positives: you get a hug. Negatives: He's still having an affair.
Here are a couple of things to keep in mind.
1. You can tell his dirty little secret to HIS family if you want to. It may not achieve the result you want, but, come on, Olive, what's he going to do? Move out? We've already seen that he won't do it. Remember you have tremendous power in your hands. You are just afraid to use it. You can tell whomever you want. It's your strategic advantage to be quiet about it now -- but you can talk, whenever you want to to WHOMEVER you want to.
2. Yes, he thinks he's the only one who has the right to have an affair.
3. You don't need to feel like crap all the time. It's going to end one of two ways: he ends it, and, perhaps part of you will always feel like he "did this" to you. He had an affair and left you. Or, as part of your DB efforts it ends when you give him an ultimatum which he refuses to comply with. At least in the second scenario, you had the control. He had an affair, he wouldn't end it, and YOU left him. In addition, as you leave, you get to launch the biggest sh*t-storm in his miserable life -- exposing the affair and losing you.
4. I'm feeling what you feel. We have lost our sense of self. Our desire to give out children an umbroken home, our love for our spouses, even our fear, have led us to become shells of our former selves. The fact that we can take such abuse it sickening. I'm speaking to myself here, too, Olive. I'm just beginning to get mega pissed off.
5. Let's look at this constuctively. Our spouses have gone, we think, temporarily insane. They are on a path of self-destruction and are willing to drag everyone down this path. Our patience and love and GAL is our gift to them, perhaps, to help them snap out of it.
The possibility is always present that they may never snap out of it. Some people stay stuck in a phase of narcissism and sense of entitlement for the rest of our lives.
6. What's left for us to do? Well -- as we know, GAL and grow to be people that we are proud of. People who we've always wanted to be. People that don't really worry about the crazy-making of our spouses and who can focus on the good things in OUR lives.
However, we know, deep down, that the kind of people we want to be are not the kind of people that would allow an affair to go on indefinitely without some serious boundaries and some serious ultimatums.
Does anyone feel like ic messes them up sometimes? I vomited emotions out today in my session and now I can't stop.. I'd go out someplace in public but I could lose it again at the drop of a hat. This is supposedly good for someone who covers up their feelings... ummm.. I feel like a crazy person.
..as you leave, you get to launch the biggest sh*t-storm in his miserable life -- exposing the affair and losing you.
I am quite certain this is a big part of why he hasn't left yet. He KNOWS that people will judge him and his life will fall apart more than it already has.. At that time, he can't deny and pretend any longer. The truth will be known.
I like this perspective. It does make me feel more powerful. I could scream about his infidelity from the rooftops. "I've got a secret. Your secret. Why do you keeping pi$$ing me off? I could really burn you, H". That MIGHT make me look like a scorned woman gone a bit off the deep end but, people would understand, right?? Ok.. not going to do it but.. hmmmm... more power than I thought.. Thanks Theo.
Originally Posted By: theoden
..we know, deep down, that the kind of people we want to be are not the kind of people that would allow an affair to go on indefinitely without some serious boundaries and some serious ultimatums.
Very, very true statement... Don't know how much more of the lies, hurtfulness and downright wickedness that I can take.
It's OK to emotionally explode and lose it. It's fine to have a crying fit. It's normal. I feel better afterwards.
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I am quite certain this is a big part of why he hasn't left yet. He KNOWS that people will judge him and his life will fall apart more than it already has.. At that time, he can't deny and pretend any longer. The truth will be known.
I like this perspective. It does make me feel more powerful. I could scream about his infidelity from the rooftops. How would it hurt me any more than I'm already hurt? Might make me look like a scorned woman gone a bit off the deep end but, people would understand, right?? Ok.. not going to do it now but.. hmmmm... more power than I thought.. Thanks Theo
This is what my friend calls the nuclear option. You use it when there's nothing left to lose. You use it when you are ready to file. It could go 100 ways. No results guaranteed. Does the OW have a husband? Or is she single and ready to shack up with your husband? Email me before you use it. There are ways to use it and there are ways not to. You don't need to come off as a desperate scorned woman.
Yes...you have power, but you choose not to blow everything up because you are still trying to heal things. You are not a victim. You, actually, hold most of the cards. You just have to see that you do. Your biggest power is to refuse to go along with his craziness. It's the power of NO.
Olive, I want to have sex with you. NO
Olive, go ahead and leave me, we are no good together. NO
Olive, please don't tell my family. NO. I'll do what I want.
Olive, please tolerate my affair. NO.
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Very, very true statement... Don't know how much more of the lies, hurtfulness and downright wickedness that I can take.
Then draw your boundaries from a position of STRENGTH, not WEAKNESS. Go crazy with your GAL plan, and, as your power grows you'll not care anymore what he thinks. Soon, you'll be able to do this.
Yes, he thinks he's the only one who has the right to have an affair.
The ironic thing is that not too many years ago, he accused ME of having an affair. He used to call me ALL THE TIME to check my whereabouts. It would annoy me so I wouldn't answer the phone. HOWEVER, I NEVER even thought about affairs until HE had one.. Just goes to show ya'!
LO, Your H like my H must think alike. WHen I started to talk about maybe I should start to date my H said oh no! I'ts too soon for you!! Now he thinks there is OM he threatens all sort s of things like he will not pay the mortage to have me "whore around". Well, we both agreed that him paying the house is his child suppport until he files!! The nerve of these men.
I think we ALL know what you mean. To go one step further I never really even looked at another woman with lust. I was MARRIED. Even now when I go out I look at the women but I’m not thinking about sleeping with them.
Since I came to this board now all I think about is Redheads, Brunettes’ and Blonds from back east and overseas.
Great now look what you did. Cold shower time…………
Husband
is it just me or is this thread now long and off the screen?
Last edited by husband; 07/17/0708:12 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
