Frighteningly this all sounds so familiar. I can empathise with your W and with Delia and her mum. My H and I got ourselves into a similar sort of cycle. I also have been on antedepressants. Are you still on them Delia?
I came off mine and am now wondering about the wisdom of that as my Sitch was stable after reconciling with H after his A, but now I think I am in danger of becomimg WAW as I get more unhappy.
One thing I found Mr H was that I had to be ready to face things when the blowouts got too much. I had to be the one to recognise that I needed help. MY H did not really have any control over that. I was just lucky that I didn't know about his A until I had commenced upon the road to recovery and was able to deal with it all - infact it was my dealing with myself that brought H back to me.
There is hope....
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yesterday was supposedly her appointment for the annulment, and it's been two days since we have spoken...right now I consider that a positive. In fact, I kind of hope she doesn't contact me for a while yet, as I am trying to be hopeful that in time she will do some work of her own and let go of her anger.
I am on step 4 of DR today. Been trying to relax with my coffee and highlighter, taking my time through the book. There are so many common sense points of relating to each other that we have both forgotten about! Thought we were doing so much so right until reading the book! The crazy thing is that she says she has done all she can and that she has no more in her to give. If she could only read the book with an open mind! I won't even bring it up until goal #3 is achieved though...Have written out my goals as follows, tell me whatcha'll think:
1) For her to contact me just to ask how I am-nothing more. 2) For her to speak to me without anger in her voice 3) For her to return home by Aug. 1st
In the meantime I have been getting back to the activities I enjoy and using extra time to get some of the other things done I have been letting go lately. Any thoughts?
1) For her to contact me just to ask how I am-nothing more. 2) For her to speak to me without anger in her voice 3) For her to return home by Aug. 1st
One and two are good. I think #3 is setting yourself up for disappointment. A decision to leave wasn't made quickly or lightly, even if it appeared to be. After getting to that point, even if she is second guessing herself (and at this point I don't think she is) she isn't coming back that quickly. She will be thinking for a while that you are just going to go back the the same thing, and a couple of weeks isn't enough to even dent that. If this is going to work you need to be prepared to go at it for the long haul. In my opinion, if she comes back sooner rather than later the situation is going to be more tenuous, with lots of walking on eggshells. It will be better for her to know it is what she wants. Look, you yelled at her that you wanted a divorce, after agreeing that you would never do that. And more than once. You say you didn't mean it, but what does it look like from her point if view? It's going to take a while....
I agree with dry_heat. To put a time table on her coming back will just upset you when it doesn't happen. You need to give her time to sort thru her feelings. We all want your spouses home yesterday but that's not going to happen. It took awhile to get to the place we're in it's going to take awhile to get back to a good place. It's hard I know but if we want our marriages to work we have to let our spouses take the time they need to figure things out. And in that time we can better ourselves and figure out what it is we need/want.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
What makes you think that she has been thinking about this before I told her I wanted a D? I was under the impression from reading the book that the goals have to do with our relationship as well? Though I know how wrong I was, it happened in the heat of an argument...so why not assume she could be gone out of fear of it happening again or just being plain hurt? Our R/M has had a pattern of one of us bailing when the argument gets out of hand. It started as her pattern years ago, but I began to adopt it as well. I believe she does mean it though, in the past she has usually been back much sooner. I am hoping that this could be a time for us to cleanse the old and begin anew.
Ok, I'm really trying to readjust these goals towards myself. Though I do know that I need to work on me as much as anybody, the problem I am having is understanding how the real issues that must be worked on, (i.e:our communication and respect for each other during arguments) can be worked on by myself??????? I enjoy being who I am, and aside from our communication issues and the history of our battles, I am in a stage of my life where my efforts in my career have begun to pay off. I am an entertainer, and very prolific and respected in my circle, though without her, even my own performances feel like a waste of energy as W has always been very supportive of me that way-in fact I've never cared about the praise I receive from strangers, only her. Sure, I know I need to quit smoking, but I am generally very happy with me and the way I choose to live. I have amazing friends who all work hard on their M's, and I can actually pay the bills on my entertainer's income. The part of my life that has truly needed work is my R with my W, and I can't do that with her living out of suitcases just miles away while I try to go on working on me in a home filled with all of our memories and good times. I didn't kick her out, yet when I spoke to her a few days ago she pointed out to me that she has been forced to live like a gypsy with nothing but her clothes and her car. I didn't say it, but I was thinking, "YOU have reminded me that left ME, and I have let you know I want you come home, so what are you talking about?" She says she can't see the good over the bad, and yet I wake up every morning to the life we have created together, our photos on the walls, each knick knack reminding me of the happy moment where it was acquired, her scent still dangling in our bedroom that I no longer sleep in, and I am supposed to work on me? She has told me we have don't have much in common, yet I see so many reminders of our connection whether I am home or out and about. Our R/M is a rare one in all of the good points people wish for-common interests & activities, lovely friends, supportive family, adventure, romance, passion, mutual support, agreement on having children, travel, affection...we just have trouble communicating on the few places we share differences. The ME that I need to work on is a part of me that only came to be since being with her, and if she is not present, then how can I work on it? I wake every day with stomach cramps and dry eyes from crying. I've lost at least 15 lbs since she moved out, I swim, I write, I "get back out there" and reconnect with friends and family, and everything I do, everywhere I go, is the reminder that my W used to share these things with me which just makes it all seem so blah...When I am out and about, everyone asks me how married life is or where she is and I either grit my teeth and smile, or for a few, tell them we are separated, of which the person always asks "why? You guys always seem so in love? What's wrong with her?". While my W is running around town draining our savings account, avoiding her M, seeing psychics, going out for drinks, and telling people that I am the controlling one, I am reading the DR, going about my business, staying away from her, and asking friends for advice on our M of less than a year. WHAT is it that I am to work on about myself? I know I am venting and probably sound a fool right now, but seriously folks, what can I do that I'm not doing already?
Ok. So I keep reading the book and keep thinking, "If only we found this a year ago!". I want her to know that there is hope for us. I want her to know that we don't have to live like that anymore and neither do we have to be apart to be happy. I haven't spoken to her in three days, and I am trying to stay distanced. I miss my W though ad each day is as grueling as the days before. I feel no better, just smarter and more capable of working through this. I'm also thinking Retrovaille would do us a lot of good. How can I share these things without calling her or pushing the issue? How can she see the changes I have made when she is not here?
Perhaps you could send her a letter telling her about your feelings. You must stick to your own feelings, using I statements. You should not say "You did this...."
If you want to say "I feel lost without you, my life is flat, etc." that's fine. But you shouldn't say "you left me and made me feel lost." Do you see the difference? You only talk about yourself. Nothing about her.
