Well, first thread locked. I believe Heimlich did the honors. I feel like I have come a long way since my first post on my situation and I hope that things continue to improve and when I write my next title for my thread it will be a little more optimistic and maybe even a success story. But that is just my unrealistic optimism shining through.
She has not talked more about moving out. Actually she told me that she would like to move our exercise equipment out of storage and into our condo. So I am going to make arrangements to do that this weekend. And she spent all day yesterday unpacking her clothes and things that had been in boxes since we moved in (over a month now). I think it is a good sign because seeing all of her stuff in boxes and bags made me realize that it would not take much for her to move out. Heck, she was already packed. But her unpacking in the condo seems like she is dropping anchor and I take that as a symbol (however small that it may be) that she wants to stay or at least is not quite ready to move out.
Like I said, I feel like we are at that point where we are close to making things better, or things taking a turn for the worse. I plan on making sure that I do not pressure her into anything. I didn't even make a big deal of her unpacking, just said that it looked good in her closet that everything was organized. Basically, the ball is in her court to do what she wants with it. The small positive things recently seem to be adding up lately, but like I said before, I am waiting for the left hook that is going to knock me back, but it won't be as devastating because I am expecting it.
Excellent! Do I get a prize for being the millionth customer?
Regarding "Waiting for the left hook." Be careful. Believe me, I understand how you're walking on thin ice. Make sure that your expectations don't turn into self-fulfilling prophesy though. I realized a few days ago that I was unconciously doing the same thing you are. I didn't think I was, but I was holding myself back from my R with my W, waiting for her to leave.
I haven't quite got it figured out yet, but the times I acted "As-if" and expected our interactions to be positive, they almost always were.
Sounds like things are moving in a good direction right now. Enjoy.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
I know. I just felt a little jab at lunch today. Went home for lunch. She was there. Things were pleasant but I could tell she was ancy about something. I just asked her if everything was okay. She said that she was stressed out today. I asked her if something happened with work and she said no, that she was just thinking about some things. I left it where it was. Continued to eat lunch. Right before I left, as she really seemed to be upset, I asked her if she was okay, and she said she was having a bad day. I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said no. I told her that if she wanted to talk, that she could call me. Then I asked if she was going to be going to the gym tonight and she said yes and that she thought she was going to be sleeping at her female friends' from work tonight. So there is the little jab. I was prepared for it, so I said that is good and to just let me know what her plans were later on. Two steps forward, one step back.
Stew, you are probably going to have alot of this along the way, alot of forward and back steps, thats unfortunately all apart of the game. Try not to read to much into it either way, because she doesn't know what she wants right now, and you are just going to have to ride it out until she does! I know you are strong enough for this, so keep doing what you are doing, because you are doing great!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
We all go through the same thing, your going to feel pulled back and forth and up and down, but that is just her thinking it through, and if she is thinking it through then there are unanswered questions. As long as there are unanswered questions, that means doubt about leaving. Let her think, you asked nicely if she needed to talk and it sounds like she needs the space and maybe her friend to lend an ear. I know the person I want to speak with is my W about our issues, but I just don't think she would all to receptive, hehe. So just keep the PMA and move forward!
It is okay to ask. I have asked her a long time ago, at least three months, if there was someone else. She has adamantly denied it up to this point. I have decided that it really serves no purpose anymore to ask, although I find myself wondering about it often. Her mother has also asked her and W denied it to her as well.
I have my suspicions but nothing has been confirmed as of yet. And I have stopped snooping-for the most part- so unless she really screws up, if there is another man, I won't find out about it.
I know that I am in for the up and down. Have reserved myself to it right now. There is not much I can control regarding her behavior. I just have to try and make her time while she is with me comfortable and fun for her. I was going to ask her about the movie on Saturday today at lunch but given her mood, I decided it was probably not the best time to approach it. Same with the MC. I always see this pattern with her though. She is usually more close to me on the weekends and Monday. Once she goes to work Monday night, Tuesdays and the rest of the week she becomes more and more distant. Then the weekend rolls around, we are able to spend some quality time together and she gets closer. Then work starts and she pulls away again. I think she is receiving terrible advice from someone that she works with and it is wrecking havoc with my efforts to try and make things better. Unfortunately there is nothing that I can do about it.
The sad part about all this (and the reality of the situation) is my W's brother is going to be having a baby in September. It is the first baby in her extended family for about 13 years. She is very excited about it. I have heard that the plan was to ask my W and I to be godparents for the baby. The latest information that I have from them is that they now are not considering my W for godmother because of her recent behavior and are still planning on me as godfather. I think this would really devastate my W big time. I am going to talk to them about this, but I know her family is not at all happy with her recent decisions. I know this would crush my W and I don't want to see it happen.
Well, she slept at female friends house last night. I know I shouldn't have, but I did drive by her boss' house to see if her car was there. Made me feel better that it was not. But, still doesn't tell me anything.
I hate that I am even in this situation. Didn't sleep well at all last night. Don't know what I can do differently to make this work. I think she appreciates that I am giving her space, but she doesn't come out and say it. Things have got much better in the last week since she dropped the Separation bomb on Monday of last week. She started to unpack in the condo, she bought "us" things, she asked to have exercise equipment moved into condo, she slept at home 6 out of 9 nights, we had a nice weekend trip (unplanned) to the beach. All positives. Not much negative except for her mood yesterday and not sleeping at home last night. But I didn't let it affect me, at least in front of her.
Stew, You are doing the right thing, just let her be, thats the best thing you can do right now. Just focus on you, showing her the changes you have made, although it will take time for her to really see them. She probably isn't capable for very much right now. Take the baby steps where you can!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Stew I am just catching up after some time away. Everything you are saying about her moving her stuff into the condo and unpacking is good news. I hope she is coming out of her fog/confusion. Is she seeing the IC yet and dealing with her possible depression?
Also, you may want to head off the judgemental spew coming from the family. None of them know what your W is going through or feeling and no one has a right to judge. I understand they are worried about her but she is an adult and they have to stand back and let her work this out on her own. Alienating her now, could cause her to backaway and withdraw completely. Maybe thats cynical but I really think if its possible try to get her family to back off before she does something out of spite that could cost her dearly in the longrun.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
