Thanks guys. I wrote a letter last night. THen woke up this morning to find $1,000 fraud on my checking account. Right before vacation. Lovely. Got that taken care of. No wi have to do all those fraud papers. I'm gonna start paying with cash- screw those visa commercials.
Now off to the gym. Still deciding on whether to send the letter. Although I slept better last night than I have in a while.
Here's what I wrote. Feel free to give comments.
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We’ve been through a lot these past two years, some ups, some downs. As we hit the two year mark, I really started to think. To think about me, where I started, where I’ve come, how much I’ve changed and mostly what I want out of life in the future.
The one thing I’ve realized is that I have changed. I’ve changed how I behave, how I think and mostly what I think about myself. In the past I would have kept my feelings bottled up, “sucked it up” and push it aside; hoping things would change and accepting the blame for them not. I’m not willing to do that anymore. Last week when you joked about going to see Harry Potter with the kids without me and I’d “never know” you hurt me. You were being an ass. Last night when you told me who dies in the last book, you were being an ass. When you walk right by me and don’t say good-bye, you’re being an ass. That’s not the kind of person I want to spend time with. That’s not the kind of person I want to be with. That’s not behavior I find endearing or even cute. I get to choose who I want to be around, who I want to be friends with and who I can have fun with. I didn’t realize this until lately. It took me a while to see that I deserve more out of my life. I realized that I am the only one who can give me this. I’ve changed and I’m not going to keep repeating the same old mistakes of the past. I can’t keep forgiving and “forgetting”, hoping that if I wait just a bit longer, you’ll change your behavior too. I can’t keep waiting for you to make a decision only to be continually hurt. It’s the same vicious cycle that got us where we are today and I can’t be happy that way.
You seem to be very satisfied with the way things are now. I’m not. I’m not happy. I feel empty and alone. I can’t really talk to you or share things with you. You’re no longer the one I call on for help or the first to hear good news. It’s just going through the motions and that’s not fair to either one of us; or the kids.
This weekend the kids and I leave for a week. I need that time away to sort things out. Please don’t call me while I’m away, I won’t answer. You can call the kids on their phones or my parent’s phones. We can talk if you’d like when I return.
Good luck Sox! Hopefully it gets him thinking and helps him realize that life moves forward, not mired down in the status quo. It was a really good letter How are you feeling about everything now that it's out done?
Me: 28 H: 29 Married 5 yrs Two sweet and ornery little ones 4 and 2.5
well, ran into internet problems before, so I just sent it now. We'll see what happens. i added that I was tired of being a weekend wife and only having a relationship behind closed doors. And a few other things.
I feel a lot better. But I am also hesitant because whenever we reach this point and I send him a letter he promises to change - he changes for a month or 2 and then it all goes back again. This time though the changes lasted for about 6 months before the ass came out again.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
I'm on a plane tomorrow, so I won't be able to report on anything until probably next Sunday.
sox not sure if i've posted on your thread before but i've caught up on it from time to time. yeah spilling the last bit of the harry potter book sure is an ass move as well as the other things you've mentioned. the nerve!!
wow the letter you composed is very powerful! it takes a lot of strength to lay it all out there like that and set those boundries for youself. good job!
Me: 31; H: 30 Together 11y; M 8y H left: 2/1/07 My Thread 1st Thread
Thanks RJ. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought. I didn't even cry... which tells me that it was time to write it, that I'm not just saying those words, they are my actuall feelings. It's not a threat and I'm expecting nothing in return.
And HS, I think H more than me got complacent. I think that he just expects me to come over on the weekends and that when we are out and about, he doesn't need to hold my hand or kiss me goodbye. Well, too bad. If you are working on a marriage and you'll kiss me goodbye in the driveway, then kiss me goodbye in a lobby.
H drove us to the airport. He asked me if I wanted to do the long term or what. I said, it didn't matter he could drive us if he liked. Which means he'll be picking me up on Sunday too. He gave me a hug goodbye after we got our boarding passes. I'm not sure what I think about it. I wanted to hold on forever, but just returned a quick hug. He didn't mention the letter, maybe the hug was his way of saying "I'm trying". But part of me still doesn't want to do this again. And yes, I've read Michelles article "too little, too late". I know that's how I feel and knowing H"s track record, his too little will turn into nothing at all again, only for me to have to write another letter to get "too little" again. So on one hand I think when I get back maybe he gets another chance. BUt on the other hand maybe he's had enough chances. I guess that's why I have a week to think.
I got to my parents house and was talking to my mom and dad about the email and everything. My mom told me this morning that when they went to bed, my dad told her that it was about time that I told H to sh-t or get off the pot. My dad never steps into my business ( mom on the other hand........) so that was an eye opener for me too.
We'll see what happens. Right now, I'm enjoying time with my brother, SIL, 6 yr old neice and the 5month old triplets. They are soooo cute. We go shopping tomorrow and then my grandparents arrive and we head to the cabin for some hiking, horseback riding and more shopping.
I finished the Harry potter book. The spoiler H told me isn't how it really ends. But even so, at the time he said it, he believed it was the real ending and still ruined a lot.
The book was FABULOUS though. Read it while walking through the airport, the airplane ride from take off to landing and while deboarding, walking in the airport, the train, the escalator.... I even saw the sun come up this morning before finally giving up and going to bed. I finished the last 50 pages this morning!!!
I'm back home for now. H picked me up at the airport.We had a cute exchange (the plane was 25 minutes early, I texted him, he replied to come out to the car part, I replied- out- a bit later as I got out, he texted he was in the airport and turning around, I replied my location and sent it just as he was walking up to me).
He took my bag, gave me a kiss and said I looked nice. I always go shopping with mom, so I was wearing new clothes. OK so sue me, of course I was wanting him to notice and comment-- doesn't everyone??
He asked if I was hungry to which I replied that I wasn't as I still had airplane stomach. We got back to his house. He took my bag out of the truck and asked if I wanted it in the [his] house or in the [my] van. I took a long minute to think and said that in the house was fine. We watched a movie then went to get food. I spent the night. Had some nice kissing, but that was it. I was exhausted and in pain from a sunburn and told him so.
See, I knew this would be like this. He acts like nothing is wrong, that everything is Ok just because he's being nice right now.
Anyway. We had a great time in Colorado. The kids and I did a 2 hour horse back ride and had a blast. Next time we go for the 3 hour.
I spent time with the Triplets- man are they cute. Also spent time with my brother and his wife. I haven't spent that much time with my SIL before. I really like her. We went shopping and stuff together as well. Had a B-day party for my niece (their older daughter) and decorated her a cake.
Then we went to the cabin. Where in 5 days I... stained the decks (1 is 25x25 and the other is about 15x15) plus the railings and built in benches...and did 2 coats, helped grade and fill the dirt driveway with a tonne of rock and dirt (gulleys from the rain), polyeurathaned trim moulding and baseboards in a room, cleaned the entire downstairs and reorganized the workroom (we're talking sawdust, boxes and boxes of screws and nails, tools, wood, tile accessories...), helped with a ceiling fan, put a new gas grill together...I think that's it. oh and played cards and read. Nice relaxing vacation huh???
I joke that my list for vacation at the cabin always looks like that- build a wall, paint, sand, drill, saw... andmy sister gets the list that looks like- buy new material for pillows, shop for new dishes, shop for new lamps, go antiquing for a new table...
My kids helped with the driveway regrade. They did awesome shoveling dirt and rock into the ditch and packing it down. They weeded about 100 yds of driveway, picked up scrap lumber from all around the house, and made so many trips to the dumpster we lost track. They played cards with my grandma too, to keep her away from us while we were working (she tends to watch over shoulders and get in the way. I almost took her out with lumber that I was moving when she snuck up behind me to watch.) That is my kids main job- keep great grandma busy!! They also run and get us drinks and tools and whatever else we need when we call.
They're great kids like that and thye know that when the cabin is theirs they will have worked hard helping to build it as tehy grew up. They'll have a much greater appreciation of the land and the house when they inherit it.
that's all for now. Still not sure about the H situation. My landlord emailed me and I need to renew or get out in the next few weeks. I was on the phone with H when I read her email, mentioned something about it, and he replied that he's been on a month to month lease for a while now. That's a good thing, right?
I am looking into a few things and will have a clearer picture in a few days.
Well. I was going to call on the house across the street that was for rent. THey were trying to sell it and took it off the market. Got back from vacation and the sign was down. So I guess I am staying where I am for now. It's just a matter of how long. I don't want to do a 6 month rent as that would mean moving during Christmas. And I don't want to do month to month as that would be an extra 600 bucks a year- and I'm trying to save money for a downpayment while still having fun and a life.
I think I'm signing for 1 more year. I'm going to tell H tonight. We are going to a midnight movie (Bourne Ultimatum) then flying out tomorrow for Colorado again.
I spent the night at his place last night. It was nice. Still just the status quo though. LIke if he doesn't say anything, then there's nothing wrong type attitude.
It seems like that's what you have to do. Obviously, you aren't happy with the status quo and that's not fair. Of course, nothing ever is but you both need to know where things stand.
Good luck and enjoy the movie. I am going with FA on Friday.
How are you feeling about everything now that it's out done?