Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Dom R]

my takes on things, somewhat delayed...

Longish story short-Booty call.

Good! he's not getting it elsewhere.

the only way for us to have a true fresh start is to have the break.

who says you need a "fresh start"? I think you need a "renewed comitment". not the same thing.

he wants someone that will say "look, you wanna be with me, you're gonna not be doing XYZ"

Wow.. you have a funny kind of WAS.. the kind that tells you how to get him back.

let me repeat myself,
HE IS TELLING YOU HOW TO GET HIM BACK

he's testing you. Fight for him. Fight him. Show him that you care. Show him that you have moral standards. Dont tell him what he is doing is ok.
He's indirectly, in a wierd way, looking to you for moral guidance. he says he wants a counsellor to "talk him out of it", but I think what he wants is to hash it out with YOU.

Like i said in your other thread:
"him: blah blah i'm not free, with rules"
What you should say: "you're NOT free. you're married. 'separated' is still 'married'"

Yes, I know you are afraid you are going to "force him into a divorce". But he's been basically telling you multiple times, "no, i will NOT divorce you.... I WANT you to stand up to my childishness desires and tell me to grow up".

I think that he has an "adult" side, that is kinda trapped by his kid side right now... his adult side trusts you more than anyone else, and it is trying to ask you to... as some people say, "give him a recto-cranial inversion"

He said that he thinks we could have an awesome relationship,if he would put in the time and energy; what he is trying to figure out is *why* he doesn't want to.

Gym analogy: You dont try to feel good, before you go to the gym. you make the decision to go work out at the gym, to feel good after you've done it, and to be fit enough to do more.

he needs to quit trying to feel good about doing stuff with you, and Just Do It. Then he'll start feeling better about doing it, and also be more interested in doing more.

Where i object especially is that he will be taking "Suzy Q" to go and do fun, new stuff instead of me.

you SHOULD object! What happened to "dating" you?

if he likes the figure "2 months to sort himself out"... try to get him to agree to 2 months of fully dating you. Get him to agree to you setting your schedules (for purposes of doing fun stuff) for that time. Not becuase you want to run his life... but only because he doesnt seem to have the energy to plan anything.

After the 2 months, he would then be "free" to decide if he has had fun for the 2 months, and wants to more actively take a role in your marriage.

[unspoken to him: if he choses otherwise afrer the 2 months.. that's when you should "go dark", methinks]

Wait.. you did "controlled separation"??? ARRRGGG!!!!

once a week to argue, and once a week to "maybe" do something fun, i dont think will be enough :-(


Not to mention: you GAVE IN to him, instead of standing up to him. He told you that he wants you to stand up to him.. and you gave in to him!!