NikkiB #18

[NikB]

Morning all. ST thanks for checking in.

ST - about the movie for an 8 year old... hmm.. I'm not sure, honestly. What are some movies you've let him watch recently? That might help me make a better guess.

I had a really rough night last night, although have more clarity about where H is at so I suppose that's good. He was acting funny again, and I had this feeling I was being lied to about an "errand" he ran earlier. I really need to get better about how I approach this stuff, but I guess on the positive side I approached it instead of letting it go (reinforcing that it's ok to keep lying to me).

Soo... this isn't everything but here are some highlights/lowlights.. probably out of order a bit, but think you'll get the gist.

I said "H I get the feeling I'm being lied to. Where were you tonight?" I got a bunch of intentionally vague answers in a snotty tone and I snapped, "H your actions impact my choices about my life. WHERE WERE YOU?" He was at OW's softball game, watching her play. "But her boyfriend was there." I said "That doesn't make it OK with me and you know that." H said "Well that's why I didn't tell you. You don't want to hear about these things." I said "H it's that I don't want them HAPPENING not that I don't want to hear about them." (or something close to that, I forget exactly how I said it)

I got really emotional and angry and said a lot of things I shouldn't have... really attacked my H. I'm mad at myself for it this morning. He opens up to me and instead of validating I got angry. Damn it. I did validate some, but not nearly enough and I made too much of it about me.

Anyway, he said that he's "trying" and that he's felt the "spark" he was looking for a few times and told me when (each of those were the times when he's emphasized what a good time he had with me). But said he's having a very rough time. That he's "just being stupid" and "thought it'd be OK if I could just focus on the racing" but that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. I told him I didn't think he'd ever be able to make that choice if he continues to be involved with OW/PW and he said "I'm not 'involved' with her." (grrrrr) I said a lot of very ugly things about her, and said I wasn't willing to be in a marriage that continued to include her in any way, even if I don't have to see her, and he said "I know."

He said he wants to go back to MC. I (stupidly) said "Why? So she can tell me you're leaving instead of you having to tell me? If that's the case just tell me now." He said very angrily "I am not leaving this house again." I said "Oh well that was a pretty sneaky trick then, nice how you weaseled your way back in and then started acting this way. Trying to get me to leave?" H said "That's not what happened." I dropped the subject there - I could feel myself about to get really, really ugly (even worse than what I already said).

He kept saying that he was being stupid. He went through a whole list of things that are really good with me/us. He seemed almost mad at me at one point for "letting" him move back home - he said "I always knew you'd take me back, I always felt it. I never got that fear of being alone. I needed to be afraid of ending up alone." I said "You don't get to blame me for that, you chose to come back." It wasn't at the same time but the "being alone" thing came up again later and I said "You know, I don't want to just be 'better than being alone' - we both deserve better than that." H didn't really reply.

At one point I said "I wish I didn't love you. I wish I didn't care about you." H said "I know. I wish I didn't care so much about you, too." (how's that for a weird exchange?)

We were more tender with each other after that and I did a bit better with validating, said I was sorry he was having a hard time and could I do or stop doing anything to help. He got really dark and down, said no that no one could do anything to help him, wasn't worth helping, he's worthless.. really depressed. He also said something a little scary at one point, something vaguely suicidal along the lines of "everyone would be better off without me".. I said "If you're serious about that we're going to the hospital right now. If you're not, please stop saying things like that." He said "I wouldn't do anything."

There were lots of hugs in between tears on my side, and dark staring into the distance on H's. Most of the conversation actually took place with us holding each other.

When we went to bed H asked if he was "allowed to sleep here" (our bed) and said he "probably shouldn't be allowed to." I said it was up to him. (maybe a mistake, I don't know). We slept very close, pretty much in each others arms all night. I had a ton of nightmares every time I managed to fall asleep, H kept waking me up from them.

At some point I started to understand that this wasn't healthy... H being the one to comfort me after I'm hurt by his totally inappropriate behavior. But I let it happen last night, anyway. The comfort kind of over-rode the unhealthiness of it I guess. I felt very weak and worthless for most of the night. This morning I started feeling a little bit stronger. I need to stand up for myself more, I need and deserve better, I need to DO something. What? I am still struggling with how to answer that.

It's so weird.. we love each other, he's feeling that "spark" sometimes, we both care deeply, we agree that we're really good together... and yet... we're in the middle of this mess.

This morning I told H I was sorry I had attacked him and he kind of smirked. I said "I mean it. Thank you for telling me everything that you did. You really opened up to me, and I should not have attacked you for your feelings. I'm sorry. It's something I need to work on and I realize it. I need to be able to talk to you about things and tell you when things are not OK with me without attacking you." H was kinder after that and thanked me, then very quietly something about him needing to do better too (I wasn't 100% sure what he said and asked him to repeat it but he didn't want to.. it seemed positive in that it seemed like he was acknowledging something he needed to work on but again I'm not sure).

My head's still kinda spinning this morning...