In my situation, the hugs and affection were always there, even when my wife was sleeping with OM. The positives sometimes, may just be neutrals. I'm not sure.
This will go on indefintely unless you change your game.
How to change your game:
1. Go ballistic with your GAL activities. I want him to see that you can be happy without him and that, not only are you having fun, you are transforming into a mysterious, wonderful creature. You need to start going out at night, on occasion, and not tell him where you are going. You need to be all dolled-up. Going out for drinks with girlfriends, etc. You know he's jealous and responsive to your "blossoming".
You see, he needs you to be "nice", servile, doting, weak, pathetic and desperate. This way he can justify leaving you.
When you are strong, fun, self-confident and independent it screws with his thinking.
2. When he walks away from and argument and says, "Whatever", try this: "Do NOT walk away, I am not finished discussing this." That'll get his attention. Try it as an experiment. If he listens, then, BRAVO. If he still walks away, then nothing has really changed.
What's he going to do? Leave you? He's afraid to do that. Honey. Remember two can play that game. He's as afraid of walking out as much as you are. Only, he has YOU thinking that he's ready to walk out anytime. He's not. He's a cake-eater. He CAN'T afford to leave. You have much more power than you think. Step back and consider this.
3. When he calls or TM's her in front of you. Tell him, "I'd like to speak with you for a moment when you are done." When he's free, tell him calmly, "I know you are still in process about our relationship and you seem to still feel the need to be in contact with OW. At this stage, I am giving all the space you need to figure this out. However, you need to know that I am not invisible and I will not accept you calling or TM this other woman in front of me. Have the common decency to do that when I am not present. Fair enough?" Then.....go silent. Don't say a word. Stare him down. Look in his eyes and don't let go of your gaze. Hold him with your eyes and your silence. The first person to talk loses. It's an old sales technique. You are "closing the deal."
I think he'll agree. He'll also respect you more.
If he says, "No -- I can talk to her in front of you if I want to." Then look calmly into his eyes and say, "If that's how you want it, so be it. I think, however, that some changes are in order in this household." Go silent. Then walk away.
He might say, "What changes?" He'll be freaked out. Don't answer. Just say, "You'll see."
Honestly, I have no freaking idea what changes you might implement. You don't want to give empty threats, otherwise, he'll further lose respect for you.. but here are some ideas:
1. Step up GAL. Have him watch your kid while YOU come home at 2AM from certain evenings. Make him suspect you are living a wilder life. Start acting like you don't give a damn what he thinks. Remember, I don't think he'll leave you. He's too afraid to do that. He's trying to get you to leave.
2. I hate to say this, but refuse him sex for 1 or 2 weeks. Don't tell him you are going to refuse him, but when he initiates, shut him down. When he gets really cranky and starts to complain. Tell him that you are giving all the space he needs to figure out the relationship, but you will not accept him communicating with OW in front of you. And tell him, if he wants to make love to you, he needs to respect your boundaries.
And Olive this is not a huge boundary. You are not even asking him to stop communicating with OW. You are telling him not to do so in front of you and then expect you to open yourself emotionally and physcially to him. He CALLS his lover in front of you...and expects you to have sex with him at his beck and call? You don't need to stand for it. It's a high-handed form of disrepect.
I'm distinguishing this from giving him an ultimatum, which would be: end it with her or I'll stop sleeping with you. You are telling him not to rub it in your face.
Does that make sense?
I know this is hard, but be brave.
One final thought. You've asked him to leave. He won't. And you are not leaving yet. Think about it -- he's not walking out. He's acting like a first-class scumbag and he won't leave. So...what are you afraid of? That he'll leave? HE WON'T DO IT. HE'S AS "STUCK" AS YOU ARE. It's time, perhaps to start true DB, which is, experiment and monitor results.
Try a little more boundary setting. If it doesn't work, what's the worst thing that can happen? He'll leave? He won't do it. I'm sure he won't. In fact, maybe this is the way for him to leave the house -- you putting your foot down.
