I agree with was2sad..........don't leave your home. That was one of the things that kept me from leaving out of my house. My H would not leave and I knew I could not afford to live on my own income. So, it may buy you some more time anyway. And, I agree that you have done nothing to merit you being the one to leave. Your kids need your stability and I think they feel like it would be your choice to leave and blame you and be hurt by that decision.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with was2sad..........don't leave your home. That was one of the things that kept me from leaving out of my house. My H would not leave and I knew I could not afford to live on my own income. So, it may buy you some more time anyway. And, I agree that you have done nothing to merit you being the one to leave. Your kids need your stability and I think they feel like it would be your choice to leave and blame you and be hurt by that decision.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Can you guys give me your status now? How long since separation and any improvement?
This is so normal. We come here looking for statistics and successes. And from there register dates, you may think Smurf and Was2Sad are Longtimers. They aren't. Hopefully the MLC timeline is nearing the end for them...but who can say.
According to Jim Conway, MLC takes 2-7 years. Bomb Drop comes during Stage 3, Replay which is 18-36 months after an initial trigger.
Though there may be no main trigger--I can't find one for Sweetheart--it is often the death of a parent, close friend or other family memeber. Other life changing events can trigger--new job, moving, serious illness, empty nest.
Your recent move may be the trigger...or not.
Quote:
she claims now that she did everything she could think of, short of leaving
Perhaps...but if this is so, she did what she felt would work for her and neglected to find a solution that would also work with you--get you to notice. I'm not saying she is the ba done here, just that she's going to make up a lot of things for a long time. Your history is being completely rewritten...we all got new stories.
Quote:
Will she change if she moves out?
Would you rather she not change and instead stay the same cold person she is being now? Yes she will change. Change can be positive...but with MLC you must go through a long road of BS before you see the positive at the end. MLC is an opportunity, it is a Spiritual Journey and she is in Crisis (if this is MLC) because she is denying the journey. On the path she may become a person you do not like...and many LBS's give up here...the growing isn't complete...it never is in life.
Quote:
missmyfriend: Unfortunately, I have read many times that the LBS gave up eventually to find happiness without their MLCer or the MLCer was too damaged to return.
Most LBS's get to a place where they believe there's is a special case that is lost for over...even thought Jim Conway states the majority come out of the MLC tunnel. Most are not too damaged; it's just that the LBS did not Stand long enough to see the positive side. I'm not saying the LBS is bad or doing something wrong. But almost every new poster reads the resources and the posts. They are warned about the timeline...but they believe that they will be the special case that shows changes and makes a difference now.
Quote:
Is there really a chance we will be together again?
I'm just telling you now. You CAN get your marriage back. I don't know if you will, but I know you can. But I also know that in all likelihood it will take a few years OR MORE. Know that reality if you choose to Stand. And making positive changes in yourself such as helping around the house MIGHT be beneficial. Sure it's jumping through hoops...but it can help...in X years when she comes out.
BUT it will not stop her journey now. You can become her ideal mate and she will likely still run. Then why do it if it doesn't matter...because those changes may be what brings her home when she is out of the tunnel. DB'ing set a foundation for later...it is not meant for results now. You will see results though...and then she will still run...confusing the He11 out of you.
You should GAL Find your happiness and learn that only you create your happiness...and likewise, she creates her won happiness. It is not appropriate to be cold. Be cordial.
Quote:
What and the heck happened to my wife?
PMS...but it's a special case; it lasts a few years. It's an even odder strain in that men are getting it!
Your wife has gone on a really long vacation. So why don't you take your own vacation. You too are on a journey. It can be rewarding if you make it so. Embrace the journey.
My H went through a MLC...is almost over now...looking back it started in 2001...after 9-11 when he lost his job...I noticed, looking back, little things about his personality...the need to take control of finances, spending money, being much more assertive then he ever had been...but I thought all of this was stress...and it was...but it was soon to get much worse...
So his trigger was 10/2001 The bomb was 9/2004 (abruptly moved out, leaving all his belongings) The BOMB (OW/PA)10/2004 1/2005 Moved out of town I got told over and over that he could never live with me, it was not about OW, it was over, he didn't love me, and on and on and on.... 12/2005 seeing the light started 1/2006 moved back to town 2/2006 started seeing the family more...and me 3/2006 acknowledged that we had an anniversary but still didn't love me 3/2006 started spending the night on the couch at my apartment 4/2006 feel asleep in my bed and from there we gradually started working things out...
There were times when I questioned my sanity in all of this...especially when I took him back...
But now...nearly 3 years later from when he left and about 6 years from the beginning of his MLC I am now happy to say he tells me he loves me...our relationship is much different then it has ever been and is better in so many ways...we still have a lot to work on but I can say now...as does my H...that we are going to be OKAY...we are going to make it
imLin! So good to hear from you. I remember you very well. I am very happy that your marriage survived. Or, began anew. That's probably more accurate. God bless.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
First, she apparently was unhappy for a while...reading books, etc. What kind of books? Marriage help, self help, romance? She was mostly a stay at home mom....although she did have a degree and did not use that degree for many years. Her children are almost grown....new place....but most importantly a new job...that would be my first red flag to see. Changes started almost immediately after she got out into the work force...am I right? How did she dress? Has she changed her hair? Wear more make-up? Wear younger looking syles or sexier? Does she appear or act younger than her age? Do men find her attractive?
YES, YOU ARE RIGHT ON THE MONEY. SHE READ BOOKS ABOUT IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS, AND I NEVER REALLY GOT ON BOARD. I WAS STUPID IN HINDSIGHT. I WAS MORE ABOUT, WHAT CAN WE DO TOGETHER TO IMPROVE, NOT REALLY CONCERNED WITH HOW WE FELT ABOUT EACH OTHER. LOTS OF THINGS CHANGED IN HER LIFE ALL AT ONCE -- OLDEST STARTED COLLEGE, NEW LOCATION, START CAREER, AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE I'M SURE SHE WAS GETTING LOTS OF ATTENTION AND CONFIDENCE BUILDING THROUGH ONE GUY IN PARTICULAR THAT SHE WORKS WITH (ALSO MARRIED WITH KIDS). NO EVIDENCE OF PA, BUT PROBABLY EA. SHE DID LOSE SOME WEIGHT WHICH SHE CLAIMED WAS PART OF THE JOB/EMOTIONAL STUFF BUT SHE ALWAYS LOOKED ATTRACTIVE (ALTHOUGH I PROBABLY DIDN'T ACT LIKE SHE WAS). SHE DRESSES PROFESSIONALLY BUT VERY NICE, NICE HAIR, FIGURE, ETC. (P.S. I HATE THIS PART OF THE DISCUSSION)
It is a very hard thing for some of us gals to loose our youth and our looks while men just get better as they age....as apparently you have. She may resent that. If you are admired by the opposite sex because you have stayed in good shape and you have maintained your youthfulness like some men are lucky enough to do...she may really subconciously resent you too!
GOOD POINT. SHE NEVER REALLY EXPRESSED ME BEING IN SHAPE AS A POSITIVE THING.
My very first thoughts to all this is that she is getting somebody's attention at work....or else she WANTS to get somebody's attention and she is feeling guilty about it. Guilt being the key word here. Married women that feel attracted to OM feel very guilty. Plus, she has been home all these years and she may be like a kid in a candy store. To try to ease her guily feelingsm, she is trying to find every fault with her H that she can. This is just IMHO.
TOTALLY AGREE. SHE HAS EXPRESSED THAT SHE HAS HUGE AMOUNTS OF GUILT, BUT NEVER INDICATES ANYTHING ABOUT OM.
However, if you guys are not sleeping together in the same room...I would suggest that you not try to hug, kiss, etc. I think if I were you, I probably would try staying at home to do the chores, be nice and polite, don't be cold, but don't try to pursue her with affection, either. Wait for her signals on that. Don't act like a whip puppy and stand around watching her as she does her morning routine or in the evenings at home. Read, watch tv, play games with the kids, or go places with the kids, etc.
GREAT ADVICE. THIS IS BASICALLY WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING. I DO GIVE HER A HUG ONCE IN A WHILE BUT LUCKILY HAVE GAL AND LOVE HANGING OUT AND DOING THINGS WITH THE KIDS.
If she is in MLC, something needs to shock her to wake her up. If she is getting attached emotionally to OM, she needs to be shaken up before it turns into a PA. I have told several on here about two E-books I found on another web site.
SHE WILL DEFINITELY NOT TAKE ANY ADVICE FROM ME ON BOOKS ETC SO I'LL HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE OR JUST WAIT (UGGHH)
Your wife sounds like she is in the limbo stage...even if she has not had an EA. She just doesn't know what she wants right now. It sounds like she is looking for an excuse and just waiting for you to hang yourself.
ABSOLUTELY. TOTALLY STUCK IN BETWEEN -- ISN'T READY TO WORK ON US BUT NOT SURE SHE WANTS D, SO HER LOGICAL CHOICE IS MOVE OUT AND THEN THINK ABOUT IT SOME MORE. SHE FEELS THAT IF SHE CAME BACK NOW AND THINGS WENT BACK TO THE WAY THEY WERE, THEN SHE'D ALWAYS WONDER IF LEAVING COMPLETELY WOULD HAVE BEEN THE RIGHT DECISION.
Have you noticed her making coments like how everything on tv or in magizines is geared to the young and beautiful?
NO BUT SHE DID MAKE THE COMMENT THAT SHE NO LONGER LIKES GOING TO CHURCH, BECAUSE EVERYONE IS HAPPY THERE. SHE ALWAYS HAD A MUCH STRONGER FAITH THAN ME BUT IT SEEMS TO BE OUT THE WINDOW.
Has she been going out at night....alone? She could just be going to the mall, but is she going...alone? That doesn't mean she is having an affair! But, there is something about going through MLC that just makes you want to get away from H and kids. Maybe she says she just needs to get out and drive around for a while......not a good sign.
USUALLY NOT BUT SHE HAS GONE OUT FOR A DRIVE A FEW TIMES. OM?
You probably have not done that much to hurt the marriage, just have your side of it. However, she will put you down in order to make herself feel better. So, be prepared and expect it. Sad to say, but we feel so crappy about what we are doing to our family that we try to justify ourselves by making our H looks like a heel...or worse, if we can.
I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL SHE IS RIGHT IN SO MANY WAYS. YES, THERE WERE TIMES I WAS IMPATIENT AND CRITICAL. I DIDN'T SHOW HER LOTS OF AFFECTION AND HONOR HER LIKE I SHOULD HAVE. I GUESS I WAS JUST SORT OF AVERAGE, KISS GOODBYE IN THE MORNING, HAVE A NICE DAY, MAY OR MAY NOT TALK DURING THE DAY, CALL ON MY WAY HOME, WHAT'S FOR DINNER OR DO YOU WANT TO GO EXERCISE OR WALK AFTER WORK, OR IF THERE WAS A KIDS SPORTING EVENT MEET THERE OR MEET AT HOME AND GO TOGETHER. I GUESS IT SOUNDS LIKE AVERAGE AMERICANS TO ME BUT IT WASN'T THE BIG LOVING HUG IN THE MORNING, TALK TO EACH OTHER 3X DURING THE DAY, BIG LOVING HUG AND KISS IN THE EVENING, HOW CAN I HELP YOU, LET'S BUILD A PUZZLE TOGETHER TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP. I WISH IT WAS. I HOPE IT IS SOMEDAY. BUT I FEEL LIKE NOW I CAN BE THERE, I AM READY FOR THAT TO HAPPEN AND NO I TRULY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO WORK ON A RELATIONSHIP. AS SHE SAID TO ME, YOU'RE A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT. OUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THAT INFORMATION! I THINK IT IS SO GREAT THAT WITH EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH TO COME HERE AND HELP ME/US. I HOPE I CAN BE OF HELP TO SOMEONE SOMEDAY.
imLIN, thank you for sharing that with me. It just seems so overwhelming -- will I be able to Stand through this for that time? I sincerely and deeply love her and I've always believed that love conquers all, so I guess there's my own answer.
Somedays it just seems like things will work out. She made a special point to come out to my car this morning as I left for work. She looked sad. I came out of my car and gave her a hug. Who knows what was really on her mind. She said have a nice day at work. She complimented my (new) shirt. I guess I should have asked what was on her mind but I was running late. I guess I need to keep reminding myself of my priorities and give her any undivided attention anytime I can. I'm sure I will come home tonight and it will be loneliness and rejection as usual. Gotta GAL I guess.
Can you tell me where to get some information about the stages of MLC? You mentioned your C and the different stages, how long it may take to come out of it. What is the "replay"? God, I hope it doesn't mean I will go through all this over again.
If there are books or information on the web, please tell me where to look. I've tried, but have not had much success.
Thanks, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
