H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[SallyM]

thanks, Jack. I'm so sorry you've had to go thru what you have, but nice to know you have been able to create a life for yourself in spite of it. I appreciate the support. it really helps, having people here who really get it. odd at my age, but I don't know anyone divorced or even separated.

working out helps. I've been good about going to the gym, thank god for the onsite child care there. and I'm trying not to sit and stare at walls any more than I have to. still have those moments when I do, but need to remember even if its on my own, I need to get out of the house. there is so much to do in/around boston, there is really no excuse for it.

the abstinence thing, well, I can't imagine getting used to it. I don't want to get used to it. but the alternative isn't really want I want right now, either. so for now, its me, myself, and I. and I've only just turned (gasp) 40...my life on that front can't be over. so I'll work out, and try not to drown my sorrows in ice cream. lol.

thanks again.

[SallyM]

okay, here's a question. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to take the kids on a day trip to saratoga springs. we used to live there, and the kids keep asking to go. figure we'll get up early and drive out, have breakfast at the track (sooo much fun for the kids), then hang out in our favorite park, ride the carousel, have a picnic, follow the ducks, visit our favorite haunts, then probably just head home at the end of the day. yeah, a lot of driving, but I like to drive and the kids are good and probably will just zonk out.

my question is, do I tell H about it? we don't really have any ground rules on our separation. or rather, we did, but he obviously didn't give a damn and they went out the window. the one thing we do well is co-parent. my therapist is actually pretty impressed. hopefully that will continue...we haven't argued about it at all, just trying to do the best for the kids. at the same time, he doesn't tell me every little thing he does with the kids ahead of time. he tells me after, its all fine, he's not hiding anything, its not like that, just not something we talk much about I guess.

my other question is, do I ask him if he wants to tag along?

what I'm trying to do is ask myself, how would I feel if he did the same thing? I'd be bummed I wasn't along, just like when he takes them to the beach or to boston for the day, but that can't be helped right now. if it was an overnight, I'd probably be upset that he didn't tell me ahead of time...not ask permission, but just a courtesy. but I'm not making it an overnight. I suppose I could casually mention it a few days before I plan to go. but again, if I do that, do I ask him along?

sorry to ramble. I seem to second guess my every move these days.

[jackw]

Tell H about your plans, but I would hold of inviting him unless you are confident he will say yes. My W and I have done a really good job co-parenting as well and we always err on side of over communication regarding the kids. The over communication will also set the foundation that the kids are NEVER to be used in a disagreement or issue between the two of you.

Be excited about the trip and hopefully your excitement will get him interested enough to want to tag along. At least he’ll walk away scratching his head that you are so excited and “ok” about doing something on your own that is clearly a family activity. I would also tell him next time it seem appropriate as opposed to waiting for a few days in advance. Again, just seems like the right thing to do and anything involving the kids should simply be guided by what is the right thing to do.

Good luck and sounds like fun.

Jack

[SallyM]

okay, will tell him definitely, and will hold off asking him along. if he asks to, I might go ahead and say yeah, but I won't be the one to actually ask.

I think he's already scratching his head a lot. or maybe I'm reading too much into things. but I'd be scratching my head, too, if I saw such an about face in him like I've done in the past week.

just hung up with him, and he sounds a little bummed. I didn't ask if he was, just kept the conversation short and light, about the kids. I had just walked in from the gym, so nice not to have just been sitting around waiting for him to call. will be curious how things go tomorrow. he comes to spend the morning with them while I head off to therapy. its funny, he's always sooo interested in what goes on in my sessions. he really pushes to know what I said, what she said, etc etc. I swear he thinks my therapist is going to tell me to end the marriage. he so wants someone to tell me to so I'll do it, and he won't have to do it himself.

knock wood it never comes to that.

[Trip]

In the past my H would ask when I spoke to anyone because he was worried I was saying bad things about him. Now there's a laugh and a half!!

Anyhow, I agree, you have to tell him just for the fact that you are taking the kids but don't invite him. If he does ask to come along. Say that would be great and leave it at that.

[MikeinMidland2]

Morgan,

You are doing great with your 180s, keep it up! I agree about telling him your plans for Saratoga Springs. If he does hint about coming along, tell him he's welcome.

X and I agree that any time outside our hometown we need to inform in advance, but not ask permission.

Also re therapy, you need to set a boundary there and tell H that it is between you and your therapist. Tell him you'd be glad to go to marriage counseling with him, if he's so interested.

[SallyM]

Trip, thanks, you are right, will tell him and not invite. and yeah, at first, in march/april, we were both tentative about who we told and what was said. he was especially, of course. and the funny thing is, every person (only a few) that I told about the affair, would have readily accepted him again if he had only made good. but its his actions since the affair came out that are starting to change that.

thanks, Mike. sometimes I do feel good with my 180s, but then 5 minutes later (aka, NOW), I got into panic mode and start self-doubting and remembering all the things he's done for her, with her, said to her (yep, the golden age of e-mail and text messaging, just shoot me now, the stuff burned into my memory). I realize how long its been since he acted that way with me...that wonderful, sappy, infatuation stage. and he thinks he is sooo in love with her. and I am sick and making myself freak out a bit.

but then I try to rein in, and at least keep my freak-outs to my journal, my therapist, my friend, and now, here. still, hard to do. deep in wallow mode right now. so weird that I can turn on a dime...go from feeling good/strong, to feeling scared and alone.

you are right about needing to tell him that it is between me and my therapist. I need to stop being so coy. I used to tell him everything I was learning about myself, or nearly everything. we did do marriage counseling back in march/april, but unfortunately since he didn't end the affair, it ended. still have hopes that we can start up again, but obviously he needs to get in the game. please god, let him get in the game.

and will definitely tell him about saratoga. can't do the hometown thing, the way boston area is set up, but will do trips more than an hour away need to inform in advance. I like that. I doubt he'll want to come along, not sure if I even want him to...too much pressure, if the day gets stressful/kids act up, then that will make me freak out a bit because I'll go into "needs to be perfect mode." and we all know with little kids, its never perfect mode. but we'll see. have a couple of weeks until its even an issue.

[mkultra]

Morgan, I am no expert in this sitch but I bet you and the kids want him to go along. Why don't you let him know that. It is the truth. Kids love seeing their parents enjoying vacation together. If it is too stressful, then do not ask him. Be prepared if he says no. Don't be disappointed. He probably thinks you are just being polite or does not know how to arrange the sleeping arrangements. I have avoided the whole issue so far. My H reallys acts like he does not give a hoot, then when we go out and he sees the kids all happy, he gets sentimental and tears up. On our last picnic, a stranger asked to take our photo with my camera because she said we were such a beautiful family. That really choked him up!

[25yearsmlc]

Morgan,

You are doing well, really. I agree with most of what Jack says, but not about inviting your h...why would it occur to you? Not that you decided NOT to invite him, but just that he is NOT in your day-to-day lives anymore, by his choice, and you are respecting his boundaries. How could he not see your asking him, as pursuing? It IS pursuing and that is not what you need to do right now.

Other than DB books, I found Marianne Williamson helpful for me to deal with the anger and to hand over my pain/anger/obsession/worries to God, or your higher power, the universe, etc....she actually has some emotional and mental "exercises"
that helped me calm down before H would call, and to just get throught the days, and more importantly the nights. I took sleeping pills A LOT back then and still even now sometimes, as I face the moving, the new job and the possible end to the weirdest 2 years of my life and the start of a new chapter of being M with only one child at home, up there, etc. etc. etc. Yeah, now that I see it written, I see why I have trouble sleeping.

You are stronger than you know and getting stronger every day. Your H is already noticing more than you realize. Like with the mil telling him you looked great; she is a smart lady btw. But that is just an example he was willing to tell YOU...he isn't about to pass on to you that he heard the "song" you both loved when you were dating, or at your wedding, (when he sees that photo, btw, he won't just think about what YOUR intentions were...he'll also remember the day, what it meant to him then, the love you had and he'll FEEL something quite uncomfortable for as long as he can handle that discomfort....

You know the answer about the snooping...if you want a D, or need the energy and motivation to do it, read on.....but if you are still hoping this can turn around (hey, I told you, it does happen) why sock yourself in the stomach any more than you already have been?

GAL, do not pursue, accept what he has told you (with your outward behavior, that is) until he tells you or does something different....IOW, if he says "D now", you don't have to DO anything....but just keep going on about your business. But I wouldn't then invite him over for dinner as if you are dating, unless HE changes his tune in a big way...be careful.

I don't say that only b/c I don't you to be hurt again. I say that b/c I want the M to work and rushing a reconciliation can be fatal whereas taking it slow might not have been so damaging....hard to know isn't it?

At the moment, you don't have the "luxury" of wondering whether to take him back as he is with OW for now, and not saying much lately, or do I have that right?

Anyhow, carry on and see if the Williamson books help (One is called "Return to LOve" and another is on Anger and Fear, or words to that effect. I'd be interested in your response. She's a bit "new agey" and Christian, but brings in other religions as they relate, and I took what I needed and left the rest. Good luck,
j-

[SallyM]

thanks mkultra and 25yearmic. appreciate the input, I really do.

okay, tough morning. actually, good morning at first. I got a bee in my bonnet and rearranged the furniture some more last night, and I really like what I did. we just moved here a year and a half ago and have a couple of awkward areas that I figured out what to do with finally. this morning, still liked it, and the kids were tickled.

then H came over to take the kids to swim. I was upbeat and busy...the house looked like a showplace...and I didn't really care that he didn't comment on either the rearranging or how good the house looked in general. what bugs me is that he just seems, well, fine. totally fine. like he has really moved on and completely written me off. ouch. he seems...happy. ugh. ugh ugh ugh.

one small proud...I did not check his phone or blackberry when he left it on the counter. I know what I'll find, so why do it to myself, right? still, I would have out of habit a couple of weeks ago.

now the hard part. instead of switching the carseats around, he just took my car and I'm taking his car for the morning. the hard part will be not going thru the stuff in there, peeking to see evidence and such. I don't know why I do it, but I can't seem to help myself. I think because he kept telling me it was over with OW and I was always looking for evidence to either back that up or to prove it wrong (always finding the latter, wishing for the former). Today, I will NOT do it. I won't. I won't I won't I won't. And I will try not to dwell on the fact that he obviously has her housekeys on his keyring.

this sucks. it all just sucks. I still can't believe this is my life now. please tell me, there is a chance. I know its a slim one at this point, but omg, I hope there is at least that.

the friend (met her at an unrelated website) who recommended this book/site was literally at the point where her H was signing the papers and had moved in with his mistress, when suddenly he did a 180. now things are so much better for them, this was several years ago. I keep clinging to stories like that, hoping it will be me...or hopefully will be me pre-lawyers. but its so doubtful, hard to hang onto the hope sometimes.

wish me luck.