NikkiB #18

[NikB]

JDK and Dave, thanks for posting!

It sure was strange to see the LBS/WAS dynamic play out like that right in front of me. Even stranger that Dad doesn't see it at all. It really hit home with me and reminded me how hard it is to "see" what's going on in our own sitches sometimes.

JDK - I am still so torn on what to do about the stuff going on with H. One minute I am ready to move or kick him out and 5 minutes later I'm thinking patience, stay the course, keep building on the positives so he'll WANT to fully commit and stop contact etc. So... I got as far as leaving a message for the MC to schedule an appointment, but that's about all I've done. As for my own actions just trying to get back to basics for now. I need to figure this out though.

The party Saturday was pretty fun! H was being really conservative and quiet at first but later really opened up and was being pretty crazy (but in a fun way), so that was cool. It's funny because being around friends is so important to him, but he's really uncomfortable around big groups of my friends... it's like he needs that safety net of the people he knows well. I'm fine in groups of his friends though, even if it's my first time meeting them. Just something I hadn't really thought about in a long time (probably because I'd gotten away from having many friends of my own, due in part to this very thing!). Anyway I had a good time and it was really fun to cut loose with some of my coworkers. We haven't been a team all that long and don't know each other well, so it's good for getting to know each other better. The girl whose birthday it was has really gotten me to be more open to new friendships at work in general - don't think she even realizes it, but maybe I'll tell her someday. I tend to be so quiet and private, but she's relentless about including me on things like coworker lunches... and finally I'm starting to enjoy them and be more comfortable. Hooray!

The party got over kinda early and we weren't ready to come home so we went and played pool, lost track of time, and ended up closing the place down. Wow!! And I did a pretty good 180 too... took H's suggestions for how to play better, didn't get frustrated as quickly. H said "See?? This is fun when you actually try and do better, instead of getting all upset that you aren't good at it." That was kinda cool.

I did find myself (both at the party and the pool hall) getting jealous a few times. I hate that... it never used to be part of me, I prided myself on NOT being a jealous person. I didn't act on it or show it to H at all. I figure if I am acting jealous when it's not rational/logical it kinda says that "see, you're irrationally jealous, so you have no reason to have a problem with OW/PW contact..." I dunno, warped logic maybe, but I know with these particular incidents it really was my issue. H wasn't being inappropriate, I got jealous anyway. So something else to work on there.

Sunday was mostly a "party recovery" day . Also got a lot done around the house. We ended up not going to the BBQ on Sunday because neither of us was really in the mood.

Had a fun totally unplanned night too. I went to the store to get our traditional Sunday night steak dinner stuff, and also picked up some Armor All for my car. Got home, cleaned my car up and got it looking really nice.. and then H decided to wash his road course car. Then thought he'd wax the black part of it to see if he could get the oxidation off... it looked really good. Long story short, I changed into some "work clothes" and we spent a couple of hours cleaning the car together. Did the whole 9 yards - I cleaned the windows really well, put that "tire blackener" stuff on, scrubbed the wheels, H waxed it and I helped with the final "wipe off" part. The car's just a 90 Eagle Talon, nothing fancy, but it looks really good. We didn't get done til almost 10:00 and never even had our dinner. Had some laughs about how we've both got fairly new cars and he's got his restored '69 Mustang and here we are spending hours on this beat up race car. But H commented several times how fun it was, and I agreed.

After we were done he said "Thanks for doing that. I really had a good time doing that with you." That's the second time he's gotten really serious and made sure to emphasize the "good time doing XYZ with you" thing. I'm not sure what it's about, but I like it!! I agreed, and thanked him for telling me that. I wonder if it could be related to this - a few times I've said things about activities that "we" like to do and then followed up with - "Well, I thought that we liked to do XYZ, but is it just me? Or do you enjoy it too?" It's a reaction to the times he's told me he just does things to make ME happy. So I dunno.. I'm trying to ask more if he enjoys whatever the activity is, and maybe he's trying to reassure me a bit that I'm not crazy, we did BOTH enjoy whatever activity we just did.

If that makes any sense whatsoever.

So all in all things are going well, just need to get things straight in my head as far as what to do about boundaries and OW/PW contact. Last night I had a dream that I got her fired and then she was killed in a car crash on the way home from her last day of work. Not that I wish harm on anyone but hey, I'll take that dream over a panic attack in my sleep any day!