H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[SallyM]

Trip, thanks, you are right, will tell him and not invite. and yeah, at first, in march/april, we were both tentative about who we told and what was said. he was especially, of course. and the funny thing is, every person (only a few) that I told about the affair, would have readily accepted him again if he had only made good. but its his actions since the affair came out that are starting to change that.

thanks, Mike. sometimes I do feel good with my 180s, but then 5 minutes later (aka, NOW), I got into panic mode and start self-doubting and remembering all the things he's done for her, with her, said to her (yep, the golden age of e-mail and text messaging, just shoot me now, the stuff burned into my memory). I realize how long its been since he acted that way with me...that wonderful, sappy, infatuation stage. and he thinks he is sooo in love with her. and I am sick and making myself freak out a bit.

but then I try to rein in, and at least keep my freak-outs to my journal, my therapist, my friend, and now, here. still, hard to do. deep in wallow mode right now. so weird that I can turn on a dime...go from feeling good/strong, to feeling scared and alone.

you are right about needing to tell him that it is between me and my therapist. I need to stop being so coy. I used to tell him everything I was learning about myself, or nearly everything. we did do marriage counseling back in march/april, but unfortunately since he didn't end the affair, it ended. still have hopes that we can start up again, but obviously he needs to get in the game. please god, let him get in the game.

and will definitely tell him about saratoga. can't do the hometown thing, the way boston area is set up, but will do trips more than an hour away need to inform in advance. I like that. I doubt he'll want to come along, not sure if I even want him to...too much pressure, if the day gets stressful/kids act up, then that will make me freak out a bit because I'll go into "needs to be perfect mode." and we all know with little kids, its never perfect mode. but we'll see. have a couple of weeks until its even an issue.