We'll here's where I think it all stands. W wants out of her problems without having to take full responsibility for them. In our society, if the H up and leaves he is figured to be scum and W deserves and is entitled to everything. No one but the H or W will ever know what really went on and of course they will play whatever suits their case.
Before W and I married, she came forward with most of the facts, somewhat out of lots of questions from me, some due to needing to have a good start on the M. I accepted things for what they were and figured she was turning her life around (for good) and all that stuff was history. Turn the pages in life past PA/EA and MLC questioning of life, trying to relive youth, but trying not to loose face with family/friends. So W feelings were, "this isn't going to work, however, I'm not going to give up anything, so you better leave". W personality type is "always right" and is irritated by those who "don't get the picture". So PhoenixSpark is not acceptable, ignores "the obvious" and is just in the way of "the rest of us" getting on with our lives.
So I have to live with the attitude of "well I guess we have to put up with you till you catch on". I know you can relate, so I hope you can understand why I'm here in piecing. So why do I even try? We'll, I do believe we started out with a pretty good M, however, as the problems have surface and life challenges have come along, I seem to be the brunt or scape goat. W works in a high paying environment and so she sees the flashy life style and can't see why she doesn't have it and why she has to face so many challenges in life. Can't be her, must be me.
Over the last few years, post bomb, we have been able to get to a better place, not where it should be, but better. For many reasons I have stayed, but there are days like today where my patience is thin. There are days when the kids and I just don't go for a drive and don't come back, but my better side surfaces and I stick it out. Oh yes, she didn't like it when I said I was not leaving w/o the kids. This doesn't fit into her "face-saving" plan. But her mode of operation now is lavish the kids with love and attention, then treat H as un-wanted house guest.
We dated for 10 months or so, saw each other every day, ate at least one meal a day together. W was friendly, sought after my company, however kind of wrestled with memories of old BFs in back of her mind. Finally, she decided that what I had to offer was the best, so she was ready to commit and actually start to pin me down on the issue. Did not want to be away from me over the summer (college). The point to all this is that even though I seemed like an unlikely H when we met, SHE CHOOSE ME and then put the squeeze on me. From my point of view she was not forced into the M, she felt she had made the right choice, things went well until she started falling back into old habits.
So, this is a long way to answer your question, did we date long enough? Yes. I don't think there was any way to detect if life changes made would stay permanent or not. Each one of us have made changes, fought long and hard, but not always win in the end at overcoming our demons. Should I have ruled her out because of having a past. I don't think so. Things seemed to be very much on their way to better times, she seemed very committed and very proud of where she was headed.
Where do I see things headed? If W can overcome her pride, face her covenants and responsibilities, I think we can come out of this better. I am not going to hold this over her head for the rest of her life. If she chooses to do the right things, we should have a good future together. My position however has not changed, if there has to be a parting of ways, she's going to have to take the rap for her own actions. I'm not doing this out of spite, just trying to do the right thing.
Well there's my vent for the week. Enjoy. Comments accepted and encouraged.
