WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[waw1978]

Ha! I go away for a few day and my thread locks. Imagine!

Okay so I am back!

Took a few days off from work & could not remember my login info so no posts through end of the week/weekend.

Journaling:

Wednesday night: Concert with H. Evening was tense but managed to make the best of it. I had a few glasses of wine and just treated him like he was one of my girlfriends. Tried my best to avoid any R talks and references and it worked rather well. There was one mention of the R and I just said “We are having a good time and I would rather not discuss that”. Case closed. All in all I think it was a very good night.

Thursday spent the night out with the girls. Unfortunately I had a nasty migraine that started when I met with an atty earlier that day to discuss the legal ramifications of my moving out etc. I don’t want to get accused of abandonment since I am the one leaving and several people have warned to protect myself in case H gets spiteful and tries to pull this if things don’t recover. Sorry I know this may sound premature but all of these well meaning folks in my life wanted me to be protected. The atty reassured me that it is possible but would be difficult for him to prove since I am in daily contact with him about D4, spending several nights at the home and still contributing the same $$$ to the household as I have been for years.

Friday was spent at the beach. Can I just say that Newport RI has some of the nicest beaches! Very good surf for the New England area. That night I went to another (pre-planned) concert with H. Brought my brother and uncle as a buffer but this turned out badly. I was avoiding R talks but my uncle had too much to drink and brought it up with my H and was basically pressuring us both to “kiss & make-up”. Needless to say, H got very upset and was pissy for the rest of the night since that’s exactly what he wants, us to just move on like none of the bad stuff ever happened. He also doesn’t want to do the work needed either. Just wants a free pass/clean slate and go on with our M as if all the negatives never existed.

Saturday AM was our MC meeting. Lots of deep topics discussed. H still not recognizing the damage he has done to me emotionally. The C is meeting with him on his own since we are not getting anywhere in the joint sessions alone because of H failing to recognize what he did to me and how hurt I am. Left there feeling drained and raw. Very sad. H is in some type of denial about his part in all this. He said he feels that its over. My heart broke. Also H’s whole family is in town so I have spent a lot of time as his parents Sat & Sunday saving face, so no one figures out we are in the midst of a separation. Very strange but H was appreciative since he knows I didn’t want to be there at all.

Had today off originally but couldn’t bear another day around his family so I came in to work.

How is everyone else? Did I miss all sorts of things on my short hiatus? I will be catching up on posts and helping where I can. Missed you all these past few days!

[stillme]

WAW, I have not posted to you before, tho I have been following it for the most part & trying to glean some 'insider' info as well for my sitch. First, let me add my thanks for your openness and willingness to help out the Hurting here. Second, I am SO sorry you are here as well. It takes a huge amount of strength to do what you (we all) are doing - flying in the face of the negative or non-reactions to our changes/emotions/actions/inactions from our S. I applaud your efforts, and it makes me truly sad to hear the pain from your 'side'. Any one of us (LBS) would kill to be in your H's shoes right now; w/a S ready, willing & able to work together & re-create the M that we should have had from the beginning. I know you're discouraged, but please hang in there. You are learning so much, and that can never be a bad thing. Whatever way this turns out (for all of us), we will be Happier, Healthier & Better People for it.

[Gone Dancin']

Hey waw!

Great to hear back from you! Sorry about the drunken uncle incident at the concert. That is definitely one of the reasons that alcohol can be a baaaaaad thing for some people and situations (it can dessimate -- not just lower -- inhibitions). By the way, did you tell Bob "Hi" for me? .

That MC sesh sounded like it didn't go well at all -- hopefully H's IC sesh goes much better. He will not have you there to potentially influence what he brings to the table, so maybe that will help out (who knows?). It does sound like H is in denial, and I think it is simply because he hasn't seen enough detachment from you to really jar him. Don't get me wrong, I DON'T want you to give up, throw in the towel, etc, but all of the things/situations that H perceived as positives (you remember these, right?) has allowed him to invest a lot of hope -- maybe too much -- in the possibility that this too shall pass and things can/will eventually go back to "normal." He just hasn't realized what he's up against yet -- what he's in jeopardy of losing. I just keep putting myself in H's shoes and thinking that I wouldn't see it as a serious crisis yet either. It took my W to actually move out, sign a 9 month lease on an apt, etc, before I did any deep reflection on what I needed to do to salvage this M (and apparently it was too late by then).

Keep DBing, and maybe work on detaching more if you can. Have faith in H -- he is a man and we tend to be a little hard headed!

GD

[Not Much Left]

Hey WAW, just saying hi and walking into on on mtg. Will check in later tonight

[waw1978]

So its official. My login for this website does not work from my home PC. Strange ay? Anyway the last week has been a rollercoaster to say the least. H’s family was visiting from out of town so I was asked to make appearances at the family functions (5 days worth ahem) to appear that all is well. H was appreciative but I had to dodge questions about this big family trip to LA next month. I have decided not to go and it made me very uncomfortable to outright lie about going. I went to the two pre-planned concerts with H last week and although it wasn’t terrible my heart just wasn’t in it. H didn’t assume too much from these outings which was a nice change. Also he made a breakthrough with the MC and figured out that constantly asking me to do things with him was putting me in the “bad guy” seat because I was constantly put in the position of having to decide and saying no. So MC suggested to H that I be the one to initiate any invitations to do things. H was reluctant but seemed to start to get it.

The MC isn’t getting any easier. I feel worse now than I did when I started. H doesn’t grasp the amount of hurt that I feel. I have been crying for days and can’t concentrate. I know it took a lot of your LBS a long time for things to click but you have no idea what your WAS were going through. The range of emotions is just stunning. I feel hurt, neglected, angry, inferior and most of all helpless. I have done all that I can. I keep up with the MC hoping that something will click. I keep hoping that I will want my H again and then I feel guilty when there is nothing there but anger and hurt. I am starting to wonder if I can ever get over this? I took us years to get here, will it take us years to get through this too?

[waw1978]

Thank you for the advice Stillme. I am trying to hang in there. I haven't thrown in the towel yet.

[L21959]

WAW --

As another of the primarily LBS here, I want to thank you for really trying to hang in there, and for helping so many of us with your insights. Even though many of us are working hard to create a new, better R, it's such a reality check to read your posts and to better understand the lot of the potential WAS...especially when you are still trying!

I really hope your H is starting to 'get it'. But even if he does, it will likely be some small steps forward, and then some back. In all probability, it won't happen fast, or all at once. But if H starts to make some progress, maybe (with advice from your MC) there would be a good way for you to be able to validate that progress...I guess the trick would be to do it in a way that wouldn't result in H regressing into his habit of thinking things are 'ok' again...

We are pulling for you WAW!

L

[Gone Dancin']

So its official. My login for this website does not work from my home PC. Strange ay?

Definitely strange -- I don't understand this at all, and since I'm pretty much technologically inept, I don't have any suggestions on what it could be, what you could do, etc. Of course, I guess I could practice my newly acquired DBing skills on you by simply listening and validating, but now that I said that it wouldn't seem very since sincere!

How noble of you to tough it out through the 5 days worth of H's family functions. I totally sympathize with you having to lie to the family -- it's an moral dilemma, and you choosing to lie (which wasn't really a bad lie IMO) for your H says something about where you heart is. You still care about H enough to do this, so somewhere deep down inside you still have strong feelings for him. They just need to resurface, and it will obviously take a lot of effort on H's part before they re-emerge. As Michele says (though primarily to the LBS, I believe), you will have to do the lion's share of the work the save your M. I know it seems impossible right now, but it sounds like H got his first realization of the kinds of things he will have to do to get you reinvested in the M. He now realizes that his pushing (asking you to do things with him and such) is only distancing you further away from him. Hopefully he will now show you that he gets this.

I know it took a lot of your LBS a long time for things to click but you have no idea what your WAS were going through. The range of emotions is just stunning. I feel hurt, neglected, angry, inferior and most of all helpless.

This was really important for me to hear -- I kept putting it in the context of my W (hearing her say it), and it helped to remind me how much she suffered when I didn't. I imagine that it was for several years, and this knowledge helps me to realize how long of a road to having her even WANT to reinvest in the M I have to travel.

I took us years to get here, will it take us years to get through this too?

Don't want to be pessimistic, but it very well might. I see it being this way for my M, if ever. It's been over 8 months now, and I still see I have a long way to go. If you are in for the long haul, you must think in terms of months or years rather than weeks regarding how long it will take to save and repair your M.

Keep your head up, waw. H just took a baby step -- it is progress!

GD

[Gone Dancin']

L just made a very good point about validating any progress forward that H makes. Hearing positive reinforcement for the things you appreciate about his efforts (i.e. the things he does "right" to bring you back) will give him more incentive to continue doing it. Don't be over the top about it, but subtle shows of appreciation can go a long way. L is also right that there will likely be steps backward as well as steps forward. It isn't a sprint to reconciliation -- it is almost always a marathon or even an ultra run.

GD

[stewart10]

I agree with GD and L. Something small to show H that you appreciate the things that he is doing will only encourage him to do more of the same. I know that I would love to hear my W say or show me that she appreciates my efforts. Maybe H is beginning to understand what he needs to do to fix the relationship. If he is starting to have an awakening, you want to make sure that you acknowledge the things that he is doing right so that he continues them.