Keep the hope up, but SuperSize the Patience Patience Patience.
Your guy sounds like he is having some lucid moments. Doesn't mean he is anywhere near having a clear head. Still lots of little alien buggers in there you know.
But you are getting to hear a bit from the old H and that must be sweet. He is telling you little bits of stuff and doesn't even know why. He must feel quite comfortable in those moments, like before the end of the world.
You want him to remember the ease with which those talks go on. He will feel more relaxed and above all else "Safe" with your talks. He must feel safe to remember who you two were. He has not been safe for a long time because there were so many demons, so much guilt, and so much confusion. Like a child with the mother, he will just be looking forward to being comforted again by a familiar voice. It is a seed that will grow slow over time.
We can't know what it will grow into. We can't know how long it will take. We can see that you enjoy these moments of watching it begin to grow so don't rush. Think about how quickly babies grow up and then we wish we had more time with them. Be there for your boy and watch him grow strong and healthy in small steps.
Then remember to enjoy your life just the way it is after the contacts. Do not let him drag you back onto the roller coaster. It will weaken you and he will know it, as he takes two steps back in fear of what will happen next.
Da Da Da Da The smell of your skin lingers on me now You're probably on your flight back to your home town I need some shelter of my own protection baby To be with myself and center, clarity Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS:] I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It's personal, myself and I We've got some straightenin' out to do And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I've got to get a move on with my life It's time to be a big girl now And big girls don't cry Don't cry Don't cry Don't cry
The path that I'm walking I must go alone I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they? And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
[CHORUS]
Like the little school mate in the school yard We'll play jacks and uno cards I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine Yes you can hold my hand if you want to 'Cause I want to hold yours too We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds But it's time for me to go home It's getting late, dark outside I need to be with myself and center, clarity Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS]
La Da Da Da Da Da
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I've thought about the whole 'friendship' thing. While I do agree that being good friends, if not best, is a healthy part of any relationship, I do not wish to be downgraded to merely a friend to my H. I don't think that would be very good for me in the long term. So I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Nothing for the time being. I do not wish to sound selfish; I'm just trying to think of what's best for my sanity. My H made me feel like the smallest, least desirable person alive when I discovered his affair. And it wasn't anything he said; just the act of cheating was enough. I have so much healing to do.
I totally understand this. I just posted about this on someone's thread the other day.
I think W2S has great advice up there on patience. Keep living for you and let your H see what an amazing woman you are.
Hope, Sounds great. Really. He must miss you terribly. And maybe he's getting to a place where he's working through his own hell. And you sure as hell have.
As for what to do about being friends vs. not, do exactly what you're doing. Nothing. Just wait it out. See how it all plays out. It could be that you and your H needed to go through your own journeys in order to come back together. Or, it could be that you each went through your own journeys to end up with someone else. Either way, one thing is for sure... you will one day end up in a healthy, great R - whether with your H or not. That is becuase you have worked on YOU. You are whole. And you are fabulous.
Anyway, it sounds like a positive step. And as long as you can still focus on you (and no, that is not selfish), then you're in good shape!
You rock, girlie.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I read through everyone's advice today and just wanted to say thank you again.
I received another call from H. over the weekend. He said he was on his way home from work. Again, just touching base with me, wanting to chat. It was slightly revealing when I mentioned I was heading out to buy groceries; he said he hadn't done that in many weeks. I said, "Really?" He replied that he doesn't get out much these days, other than work.
He sounded tired but not that depressed. Again, asked a lot about my family, how we are all doing. He asked what I'd done that day, what my evening plans were. He is very inquisitive.
Again, he does not mention us or our current precarious marital status. I don't ask.
Maybe he is in-between girlfriends and is lonely. I am certain if he were seeing someone right now, he'd be calling that person to chat instead of me. Like everyone said, it's just about being patient and doing nothing; letting it ride out to see what this is all about.
I keep praying he's coming out of this slowly and is seeing through the fog, ever so slightly.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I'm so glad you update once in a while. I think of you often when I check in the bb. I have always thought our H's were some of the most confused in the bunch so it's good to know he is more calm these days.
My H and I went out to dinner Sat. night and actually talked the whole time instead of staring around uncomfortably. It was a rare experience. He's still cold but it was a nice change.
I know exactly how you feel about the house selling and about being friends with your H. I know if ours sells I will have many mixed feelings, but to be honest I think if H leaves again I will not be able to live here. There are just too many bad memories. I love my neighbors and will miss them but this house feels haunted by all the bad that has happened and its so very sad being here alone.
Take care and keep us posted once in a while. That two year mark is a very interesting time for so many.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, great to hear from you. Thank you for your encouragement.
Was2, I read through your post a few times before I could reply. I totally understand what you are saying, but sometimes the "mother/child" analogies rub me the wrong way. It's not your fault; it's just that I don't want to treat my H like a wayward child. I don't want to be seen as the patient, motherly figure of stability in his life. Frankly, that's not very sexy.
Nothing can be rushed in our relationship or anything new that possibly may come in the future, but I feel the passion and excitement would need to return. I don't want my H to view me in this fashion: Like a child with the mother, he will just be looking forward to being comforted again by a familiar voice. I love ya, Was2, and I hope you understand what I am saying here.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I made that mistake with my H--being more of a mom to him than a wife. Definitely not sexy! How about this image instead: James Taylor sings "There's something in the things she says/ Doesn't much matter what they mean/ But she mostly says them just to calm me down."
He called last night. I missed the call; later texted him saying that I hoped things were well. He immediately called me again after I sent the text.
It's just surface talk at this point. He began saying he'd had an interesting day at work and when I responded with interest, he relegated the details with excitement to me. I think (and I may be wrong) he just misses having someone to share the details of his day with and since I know so much about his job, I can understand what goes on and have a conversation about it. My H works in law enforcement in a large city so he sees more on a daily basis than many would in a lifetime of work. There are always stories to share about it. And he's still funny; he really made me laugh at something he said last night. I miss that a lot.
There's still forgetfulness going on; he seems to not remember some details of things I've shared in prior talks. Nothing major, but I don't know what it means.
He said he'd touch base with me mid-week again and by now, I honestly think he will actually follow through on it. His contact with me has picked up to about every couple of days. I initiate nothing; I never call him.
I don't know what purpose this is serving to him other than he just needs someone to listen to him. We don't live nearby each other at this time, so I haven't seen him in 8 months. I have no idea about his personal situation at this point, if there is someone or not, etc. I do not ask, ever.
PS: Snodderly, if you happen to be around, I'd be interested in what you think about this.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
My H works in law enforcement in a large city so he sees more on a daily basis than many would in a lifetime of work. There are always stories to share about it. And he's still funny; he really made me laugh at something he said last night. I miss that a lot.
My husband is a firefighter/paramedic. I agree w/this. They have some stories that are way out there. Sometimes their sense of humor is a little out there b/c of the horror of so much they see. I understand that and not many others do.
Could it be he is reconnecting?
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
