The Plank is out of my eyes, but too late for WAW?

[Heimlich]

Sunny,

Thanks. I hadn't thought about it from the perspective of "seeing the playbook." It's not worth doing, you're right. Just curious, but did anyone try that approach, with or without success? As I gear up to this, I'm reading and trying to provide some thought to other sitch's -- nomo, ck, I think I added yours recently. As others have said, it helps clarify one's own thoughts and it feels good to help someone else out.

I did make the pushing mistake of emailing her a suggestion about an ebook that I found. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, I may be borderline. As of now, no more pushing. DB all the way, because talking and telling her my feelings sure as hell ain't working. I just keep hoping against hope that she'll turn to someone, someone who knows about relationships/marriage, for some insight rather than relying on her internal feelings and compass. I really do think that might get her to think about things in a new light. Regardless, not going to happen by me pushing. Just for kicks, the email is below.

OC, I don't think my W is carrying on the A. I asked her, and she has looked me in the eye and said no. Plus, I don't get that vibe from her. Looking back, there were signals last summer, I just didn't pick up on them. Plus, realistically, she knows that all she has to say for me to immediately end this is "I'm with him again/never left." I would be out the door. She hasn't, so I just have to trust her. I feel for you though. Especially the age. How does a 38 year old woman have an EA with a 22 year old? I was pretty mature back then, but nothing like I am today.

Regarding the ebook, I'm interested. I have a few as well, we can trade. My email address has my name, can you post yours and I can respond directly? If not, easy enough to get a gmail account.

I find it fascinating that every good ebook on saving the marriage that I've looked at focuses on the same too basic actions -- make yourself a better person (for you and because the person you've become, once you look at yourself, is someone that your S no longer wants to be with, at least in the way you act toward the other) and secondly, don't push.

I'm thick, but not that thick. I'm fully on board now. DBing away. Focus on me. No more ILY/pressure. Detach from her -- when she's around! (was easy in LA). Become the man I want to be and remain open to reconciliation.

Hey, fully knowing that you dislike this approach, but also knowing,
from my experience, how much reading some of the relationshp books has
helped me, would you be willing to work through a book like this:

http://www.stayorgo.com/

Either with me or independently? (I skimmed some articles by the
authors.
This isn't happy talk BS stuff.)

I know from my own experience that before I began reading some things
and really thinking about myself, that I was clueless about my real
feelings for you. I've tried to explain what's in my heart by my apology
on my bday and then a little more yesterday. Please don't think that I'm
saying that you haven't thought deeply about your decision. I know that
you have. I did too about us from Oct to April; and I did try to
reconnect with you. But reading stories about people who have been in
the same situation as us, some of whom worked their relationships out
and some who didn't, really opened, and continues to open, my eyes about
me and us. It made me realize how I drove a wedge between us, albeit
unintentionally.

One thing I've always believed is that falling in love is something that
happens. You "fall" without any real effort. After that, it's a daily
decision; I choose to be in love with you. I can absolutely tell you
that in the past few weeks and months, when I consciously decided to
love you again, that I've felt more in love with you than I have in
years. Making the bed upstairs, because you like it that way, is a small
example of that. Doing that for you made me feel good.

For the first time in many years, my heart is open. I will never close
it again. I've always been scared of being hurt and held myself back a
little bit, mostly from other people, but also with you in the past few
years. I now understand that closing myself off hurts worse than the
possibilty of pain from being open. Because being open means a chance
for real love and joy.

I love you. I hope that's not the last time I have a chance to say it. I
know that trusting me again is scary. And, you're right, we may no
longer be able to be a couple again. I know and understand that. What I
don't know, definately, is whether both of us being open to love at the
same time again would lead to a lfelong love affair between us. I think
so. That was the case when we met and for years after.

With love,

Me