Current sitch =========== Living in 2 different bedrooms for past 2 mos Light conversation, friendly, nothing romantic Is very angry about how I never responded to her requests to work on our relationship (last conversation was about 4 yrs ago) I am attending marriage counseling on my own, trying to improve myself and learn how to deal with this She keeps talking separation, wants to buy a condo and try things out, it is just a matter of weeks in my mind I have just about had it. Where do I go from here? How do I stay patient? I want to stay married to her, I love her.
Recent Background ================ We moved out of state a year ago for my career (20 years with the same company) She left a part time job She was definitely open to the move I urged her to get a job, start her career She accomplished this mid-March 07 and absolutely loves it, loves the fact she is now using her degree Issues started almost immediately I stopped hearing from her, the phone calls, texts, etc that I was used to getting stopped I started questioning things, asked how do you feel about me (probably a mistake) She freaked, got pissed, not the response of ... of course I love you, silly .... that I expected After a couple conversations like that, she moved into a different bedroom and said nothing other than I need time and space She stopped wearing her wedding ring a few weeks ago (she did not feel right wearing it since she wants to get separated) Luckily I did enough reading, got counseling and stabilized my responses (sounds like I am pretty close to the recommendation from DBing on MLCers) But literally nothing has changed in 3-4 mos ... she has built up anger, sees me as controlling, selfish, etc (see below) She says she deserves someone that will love and adore her (I have said I can and want to be that person) I do not have any evidence of another person but there is at least one person at work that could at least be an emotional distraction if nothing else. She has made claims I never heard before (yes, it was shocking and hurtful) ... she was planning on divorcing me but was waiting for the confidence (and resources I guess) She says we have so much baggage and brings up things from before our marriage, during the 1st year (you were not really ready to get married, you used to go out with your friends and talk to girls ... keep in mind this was 19 years ago!) She did admit that she feels very guilty, selfish and is not sure how she is going to tell the kids
Past Background ============== Been together for 2/3 of our lives, married for 19 yrs after HS and college together Raised 3 kids, 2 still in HS, she stayed at home most of that time She had brought up that we need to work on our relationship several times over the years ... she read books and I did not ... I tried to get activities to do together ... she claims now that she did everything she could think of, short of leaving She was a good wife ... nice, a very good person, faithful, exercised and attractive, took great care of the house, family I was the typical husband, supported my family, hung out with everyone, stayed in great shape but somewhat selfish, impatient at times, critical at times, controlling I guess(I never thought of myself as controlling but she brought this up recently) I spent a lot of time at work for the first half, and doing my sporting activities the last half of our marriage But I tried to strike a balance, dinner with the family, looking for activities together, taking walks and hanging out, went to church together, attended kids sporting events together, etc. Sex was always good, up until the week she moved out of our room! We had a lot of great, fun times ... vacations, working on houses together, etc. I always thought of myself as fun loving I have a great relationship with my kids, am a great dad I do not think you could say our relationship was great, but it was good, no worse than mediocre We definitely could have used some work but I really thought we were going down this path ... we were taking walks together 2 to 3 times per week, would see movies, went out to dinner, etc. What and the heck happened???
Now What? ========= I am lost. I never realized how much she meant to me. I love her and want to be with her. I thought things were getting better and then BOOM, she stops talking to me, closes up, moves out of the bedroom and wants to move out of the house.
Questions ======== Is this MLC? Will she change if she moves out? Is there really a chance we will be together again? I have been showing her that I can change ... helping more around the house, spending a lot less time on me, taking my faith more seriously, showing her support for her work, but not acting needy or clingy ... is this the right approach? Or should I start going out with friends, make her wonder if I will be here if she comes back, be cold and emotionless like she is? Should I still wear my wedding ring (she is not wearing hers)? She takes everything as either controlling or negative in some way ... I started doing the checkbook, doing more things with the kids ... even trying and liking her meatloaf was taken as negative ... how do I respond to this? Do I call her when I go out of town (like I used to)? Do I give her hugs hello/goodbye? Do I initiate conversation or wait for her? What about after she moves out ... she has talked about still doing the grocery shopping, coming home to cook dinner a few times a week ... should I allow this or make it difficult for her? Do I help her buy a condo or force her to rent?
I am so confused. What and the heck happened to my wife?
