My ride on the Roller Coaster called WAW Hell

[Steel_Box]

I found this board the other day and have been reading a lot of threads and posts. I wish I would have found it a couple of months ago but that's water under the bridge. I'm just glad to be here now.

Where to start? I guess the beginning of the end is always a good place. It's been a hell of a year. W and I have been having problems since beginning of last year. I thought things were difficult but not insurmountable. Early this April I sat her down and tried to talk to her about all of the issues I was seeing. She travels for work and is gone 2 and sometimes 3 weeks a month. Typically flies out on Sunday or Monday and returns on Friday. This has been the norm since October of last year. I talked to her about the fact that lately it had seemed like even when she was home she wasn't really there. I wanted to know what was going on, what if anything could I do to fix things. Was hit with what appears to be typical WAW babble, your smothering me, I need space, I'm not sure what, ETC, Etc, etc.
This was of course followed with the finger pointing of, you are having depression issues, you don't support my needs, and she claims that all of our problems started when I suspected her of having affair in Oct '05.(I called one morning when she was out of town and when she answered she mumbled "I've got it" while still partially asleep. Obviously it raised a flag. Since she admitted that she wasn't sharing a room on this occasion as she had on other company trips) I have to say I was devastated to hear that she had considered leaving in February of 2006 but didn't because she couldn't figure out a way to financially do it. I can't say I took it in stride but I did try to suck it up and listen without getting defensive.

I then fell into all of the classic mistakes, ILY, I want to make this work, poem, gifts, and made an effort to hold her hand when out doing things (something I've never been able to do because I talk with my hands). Had all that thrown in my face because I was "trying to hard and it felt like faking it".
Over the next week I made an appointment with my doctor about the depression, and also made an appointment to see a counselor. This of course angered her because I took action and started to make changes to the things that she pointed out as my contributions to the problems. She was mad that it took her saying that she was going to leave before I did anything. I know, I know, she apparently had been trying to get me to do a lot of this before but I didn't get it. So, she had quit trying.

She went back out of town and we struggled through the month. She returned from a trip at the end of April and woke up the next morning to inform me that she has been having an affair with a coworker since January. (Nuked) She has decided to tell me about this because she realized she has feelings for him. I actually managed to be so calm that I scared myself. I proceeded to talk to her and ask why she is telling me all of this now. Is it because she is ending the A with OM or is it to get a reaction out of me and end the M? One of her memorable comments during this conversation was "It's not every time I go out of town!" OH YEA, that makes it sooo much better.
She starts back in with the "I don't know what I want" BS. I let her know how I felt, that I wasn't all that surprised, I thought that she had been but didn't want to face facts and didn't believe that she would lower herself to do something that cheap. (score 1 for me).

Well for the first week after being nuked I was frantically trying to figure out how to make things better, while at the same time not really wanting to be anywhere near her. So I stayed at a friends for a couple of days and we told the kids (D6 & S4) that I was working out of town, and would be back for the weekend.
That weekend, (May 5th) I was informed by friends that she made comments about taking our kids out of state to see her father which I already knew about. But, they informed me that she made it sound like she planned on leaving for a month or more instead of the week and a half that I had been told. She also told friends that she was "getting her ducks in a row so that she could leave". The next day I found notes written on the back of one of the kid's drawings that had hotel reservations on it. I wasn’t even snooping (really) just trying to clean up. I checked out the reservation online to find that it was a 5 day trip to Key West in June with OM that she had made the day before. At this point I wanted to protect myself and my children, so I spoke to an attorney about what I needed to do to make sure she didn't run off with my kids.
We had our first marriage counseling session that Friday and it seemed to be pretty unproductive to me. I pretty much went to see if she would even tell the truth, considering the lies I already knew about. She stuck to her story of confusion and not knowing what she wanted. Later that day she spent 1 hour on the phone with OM. So much for trying!
The following week she went back out of town and I found out that she was not even in the state she had told me and her family that she was going. She was visiting OM. Since they both travel for work it makes it easy for them to get these little rendezvous scheduled and paid for by the company. Very convenient!
At this point I decided to give her the space / separation she was asking for. I filed for divorce. I did this because it is the only way I knew to get a true separation and I also hoped it would be a dose of reality. When she returned from trip with OM, I gave her the option to pick up the paperwork at my attorneys office or she could have it served by the Sheriff's department, her choice. She was shocked and caught off guard. Apparently she figured that I would just wait around quietly and let her have her cake and eat it too.

The next month was tense to say the least but in that time I made major changes in my life including a serious implementation of GAL. Where before I had become the one who was always at home to take care of the kids and make sure everything was going smoothly. I also was around the house all the time because I wanted to spend time with my wife; little did I realize that that is apparently the wrong thing to do. I have gone back to my previous life of going to the gym or to ride or run after work almost every day. I started going out without her to meet up with friends at least once a week.

As of now she has her own condo that she has only spent 1 night in away from us. She has been out of town for work but so far has not slept there alone except the one night. She is out of town with the kids visiting her dad right now. We talk daily because of the kids and I swear we have been getting along better the last month than we have in the last year. I have to admit that this seems to be the weirdest situation that I can think of. The day before court I thought it was going to turn into an ugly custody battle, and suddenly we are up half the night talking and working through it so that the next day we went to court and just had to get it written up and signed rather than let the court tell us what was going to happen. After, we went out and had lunch and spent the rest of the day together until we picked up the kids and played with them the rest of the night. Hell, I helped her move into the new place. As I explained to a friend, I have managed to take a small piece of what is left of my love for her and lock it up in a steel box so that I will have something left for her to try and work with if she ever comes around and realizes what she is throwing away.

A friend of mine has been a major source of sanity and continually reminds me to be the bigger person and it will pay off in the end. I'm getting tired of being the bigger person though. I know patience is a virtue but its exhausting.

I have been told that I need to stay even further away, and let her struggle through the issues of trying to take care of the kids by herself when she is in town, but it is hard for me because I am so used to stepping in and helping.

I bought DR last night and am about half of the way through it, I apparently have stumbled my way through doing a lot of things right lately by becoming detached and distant at times. I also have gotten a handle on the depression and have regained a large part of my self.
I stand in the very precarious position of being the one who filed for divorce but very much not wanting to end up there. I have reconciled myself to the fact that it may very well be where I wind up and I am prepared to go there if she doesn’t come around, although I would much prefer to get through this with my family intact.

My problem is that I still have no idea where the relationship stands. (I know better than to ask) It appears to be getting better but I know that she is still in contact with OM and is planning to meet up with him again in 2 weeks. Do I stay the course, change things up, what? I would guess that I am in the middle of the Last Resort and just don't know what to believe as slightly true and what is a complete fabrication.

I guess that's enough rambling for now.

[Brandon Kirk]

Wow so you were 21 when you she was 17 when you first met? Are you her first love? That is a big deal. She now may be longing for something that she thinks she may have missed out by not dating others.

It seems to me the way she has treated you that YOU should be the WAS. How can she say that you have been smothering her when she is gone 2 to 3 weeks out of the month. She is the one who chose the profession she is in. Unbelieveable. Women can be so selfish.

[chicki]

Hey ! Hey! Please do not generalize -women can be so selfish. There are plenty fo selfish men including my H.

Actually, I guess it is a common trait for these cheaters- selfishness!

[Brandon Kirk]

Yea you are right. Selfish people come in all shapes, color, backgrounds, and sex.

[Steel_Box]

BK
I have known her since she was 17 but we didn't start dating until she was 24. We lost touch for a while. She was in the National Guard and was elsewhere. I am not her first love for sure. she was engaged during the time we lost touch. We were very close once we started dating. Obviously that all changed.
As far as the selfishness. I agree. I do realize, like we all do, that I had a hand in the downfall.

Box

[Kim07]

Box,

I'm so sorry your in this sitch, altho you couldn't be in a better place, DB boards, when suffering thru this crap!!

Hopefully, someday she will realize what she has done and won't teach her children how to enialate a marriage!

Can you tell me if your W is in the travel or hospitality industry??? That affects my sitch a whole lot!

Best of luck to you & your kids,
Kim

[Steel_Box]

Kim - She is in Medical Sales.
As far as teaching her children... Unfortunately I think that is how she learned it. Her Mother was divorced twice.Although I have to admit that the econd one was definitely a wise move. I wonder sometimes if that makes it easier for her to justify things to herself.

Box

[Steel_Box]

OK would you believe... W just called so that I could talk to the kids. They are out of town visiting family. After I spoke to D6, W gets back on and asks how I'm doing with everyone gone. I explain that I'm good, and I've been able to get a lot of things done without any distractions. Also commented that its rather quiet since its just the dog and I, and he doesn't have much to say. At that point she asks if I would be willing to go to MC with her when she gets back in town. - I am still reeling, she has not been interested at all up to this point. She explained that while she has been gone she has realized that I am still the one that she wants to talk to, and that "even through all this I have remained her best friend". Of course I am happy but wary all the same. I managed to (I hope) remain calm and detached and said that yes I would be willing to go, and maybe we could get back to where we really were friends. After a minute or so I said that I had to go back to work but would talk to her again tonight when I call to talk to the kids.
Well see where this loop of the coaster goes!

[Heimlich]

That's aweseom! I'm just hoping for that small change of heart from my W.

Keep plugging away,

BD

[Kim07]

Box,

Yeah, I know what you mean! Even in that industry you have a lot of traveling to do!

That sounds like good news but I would caution you to take it slow like a turtle, even tho thats' not really in your heart to do so! Be strong, validate and definately GAL while she is gone!! My H still to this day TM's me when he has the boys and i'm home alone and he knows i'm not working a certain day,,its' sometimes just their way of controlling the sitch!!!

Give them an inch and they'll take a mile!

Personally, I think she talked to relatives on her trip & told them a little of what was going on or maybe you had said something??? Maybe they told her that she would be crazy to leave you and she is having second thoughts,,,hmmm,,,just don't know yet. Will have to see where it goes,,,SLOWLY!

Good Luck,
Kim