Hi CK - I've seen your supportive posts around for a while, and thought it was time to catch up. You sounds like you are in a good place with your feelings. These situations are never easy. Nevertheless, you seem to have found some balance.
Originally Posted By: C_K
I ask him if hes going and he says " I wasnt invited ". I said go get yourself ready and told W when she turned up he wanted to go along. Told her hes feeling rejected, to which I get the answer " its not my fault , he should tell me when he wants to come along" . Anyhow they must have had some talk and S stayed Sat nite with W.
Kudos to you for brokering better understanding between them. Has W indicated that moving forward all invitations would include S16? I remember as a teenager, one of the things I responded to best was routine. Just knowing who did what, when and how it impacted me. Her coming and going as she pleases, as comforting as it may be during the transition, may in fact add to the kids' confusion.
Originally Posted By: C_K
I can't wait for that conversation if it ever comes. W " I want to come home" CK " what if I dont want you to come home ? "
Bet you feel liberated to even be able to think along these lines I had to chuckle at that. I recall going through a similar process as NG's affair was ending. It was a bit like drawing up a wish list, or fantasy mate. It was so much easier to spot the positives and affirm them once I knew what I wanted.
What kind of W would you like? Just as dbing has given you strength to navigate this difficult passage, it would have also changed your views on relationships and what you expect out of future ones, no? And WAs coming back to the fold, in my view, should be handled like new partners.
There is definitely a process we all need to work through and DB'ing is a great help with that. I firmly believe there are stages in detachment that everyone needs to work through at thier own pace. I remember finding it hard to even consider life without my W and at the early stages of the process would have had quite a different view of our R than that I do now.
Thanks again for the ebooks -- haven't begun reading them yet, but I do want to tell you how much I appreciate that. Looks like I'm in for some gut shots, eh?
You really do sound great in your last journaling post. I'm sorry that W doesn't see that S16 likely doesn't have the maturity and understanding to go talk to his mom about his feelings and why he has them. When she is the one who has moved out, she can't just expect the kids to suck it up and invite themselves along whenever they want. Doing such (inviting oneself to things) is rude behavior no matter who you are anyway. Sorry, had to get out my frustration about that. I feel bad for your kids right now, Dave -- good thing they've got you there for them!
Quote:
W " I want to come home" CK " what if I dont want you to come home ? "
Damn, I like where your mind is now! I wonder if/when I'll be that detached...
This detachment is helping me deal with the pain, Its hidden but still there. Its a demon that will need to be exorcised one day. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better to let it out like stillme has done. who knows .
Oh, Dave, my pain is not exorcised by a long shot. In fact, I have fallen so far off 'detached' it's a constant struggle again.
If you mean, tho, when I spent 2 days being ugly (not the doormat; asserting my worth), I def. think that was a Good Thing IN MY SITCH b/c of the say H had been acting & escalating his ugliness. In fact, I wonder if - If OW hadn't already had a visit planned 5 days from then - whther H would have continued his more pleasing/pleasant attempts w/me. Who knows? C thinks, b/c of my strong stance, H may hve thought I was then strong enough to handle knowing about the OW. I think it ws pretty much a coincidence as her trip here must have been pre-planned way before 5 days before she arrived.
If you meant my anger the day/two I got back from Bahamas to find out ALL about OW + kids involvement/lies + H's over-the-top ugliness AT ME. . . Yah, it made me feel good - in the moment - to cuss him out & say he disgusts me and now that I've gone totally Dark it's helping me get back into DBing control, but it's a struggle. I feel like I slid half-way down the mountain in a way.
Okay - sorry about the mini-hijack. My point is that the pain is hidden, but still there, but Detaching allows us to continue living w/it until, slowly but surely, it fades and we realize that we were in control of holding onto it. Easy to say; obviously not so easy to believe and then do. Keep trying, and it'll happen tho. For all of us.
You're doing well. W is confused/sick/whatever, but you are strong. You know what is ultimately best FOR YOU (irregardless of W) and you're working towards that goal. Good for you.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
I am getting very tired. W was all upset with me because I told her I had confided in my two best friends. To the point of refusing to speak to me. I treated her better when she told me about her A and when she decided to leave , I still was prepared to forgive and still treat her with understanding. I needed to talk with someone and now I am the bad guy because her secrets out. She either does not care or has no comprehension of what I have been through and this has realy got to me. I validated her feelings and appologised but am not happy at all right now. Now add to the mix I have been asked out by a very nice OW to which I have put her off for now , but am thinking why not ? I know why not , but its so tempting. I need to sleep now .
I needed to talk with someone and now I am the bad guy because her secrets out.
It really is sad that many WASs don't see how their actions have hurt us because they are blinded by their own hurt. I can see how your W would be embarrassed about this, but it would be nice if she could see your need to talk with someone close to you about it. Unfortunately, she can't -- and btw, is was great awareness for you to just listen and validate her feelings about all of this. My hat is off to you there! You know what you have to do, and though you're extremely tired from all of this, you are strong enough to weather this recent storm and carry on. You are a model DBer, Dave!
Quick question I just thought of: What caused you to tell W about the fact that you had confided in your two friends?
It is flattering to get attention from OW (you animal, you!), but leave it at that until you're sure it it time to throw in the towel (and I can tell you from my POV it's not time!). I get flirted with pretty regularly during my dance nights, but never overtly asked out. Of course, they all know my sitch and where I stand with it. It's probably just the challenge that intrigues them more than anything...
I'm sorry your telling your two best friends about the sitch (Not that you wanted to 'tell on' W, but for your own emotional support, o/c) had such ugly repercussions. But plese see Sandi2's post on NDDT's thread that I 'stole' earlier. It surely fits your sitch - esp this latest bit - as well.
You DO sound tired, D. And you know you are. The questioning whether it's worth it, questioning whether to hang on, contemplating an ow for yourself. . .Certainly, questioning is fine - wonderful, in fact - but please wait until you are not so emotionally exhausted (and physically? How's your sleep?) to make any decisions. YOu have invested alot of time, effort & energy into your sitch. It's draining, and you may have reached rock bottom. But you may just need a rest.
Rest. And I'll check in later. j
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
I had to chuckle at that. I recall going through a similar process as NG's affair was ending. It was a bit like drawing up a wish list, or fantasy mate. It was so much easier to spot the positives and affirm them once I knew what I wanted. 
Slowly
