Yes it's been quiet here...SR continued

[StupidRomeo2]

Hey OF,

I couldn't remember my login info for the "stupidromeo" account so had to create a new account.

Wow, it seems like I haven't been on here forever. I guess because I was getting depressed reading all the stories last time I was here.

Things were going OK for me for a while but not so great lately. Up until the evening of the 4th of July things had been fine. That evening we took D to go watch the fireworks. There she asked me if I would be interested in coming along with her for Thanksgiving as she wants to spend the holiday with her friends up north. I was a bit surprised and happy, I told her sure. Next morning she emailed me the various airfare deals and suggested that I check into the hotel pricing if I wasn't staying with my own friends. Confused I emailed her back saying I thought we were all going together. She replied "no, I was staying with my friends and you could stay with yours. I just wanted us to go together so the other one is not left alone".

From there it went down hill. I told her that didn't make any sense; if I wasn't going to be spending the holiday with her what difference does it make if I fly up with her or stay behind, its the same thing. She replied saying she wasn't looking for a baby sitter if that's what I was implying. I then asked her to tell me what exactly she has in mind because just like in the past we go hang out and eat and even do fun things together but we never
talk about us. I asked her if she would tell me honestly what she's thinking as if I were suddenly dead and she was standing over my grave. She said she'd tell me how angry she is at me and no one made her feel the way I did and things are irreconcilable. I then replied to her telling her that she says she's worked on herself through counseling and threapy but I see she still has so much grudge and no matter what I did she'd never let go of it. She replied saying:

"You think that logically I should return to you because you are now sorry, have changed and reformed and really do try hard now and it was really all my fault for not communicating to you in the first place that yelling at your wife is wrong. To me that is just removing yourself from any accountability for your actions. Where is your responsibility to realize that doing certain things is just not acceptable no matter what? Even if I didn't or couldn't tell you it was wrong? I just don't know. I feel as though we have rehashed this argument so many times. I've really been to therapy for awhile and so far haven't found anyone who said that I'm wrong for not going back. That doesn't mean that it can't be wrong, just that there are often more than two options, right and wrong, black and white, etc. "

To which I replied a rather long reply telling her that the fact that I've completely changed from inside and out proves that I recognize my faults and take full responsibility of my actions but only after she made me see them. I gave her an analogy of how a boss would take you out to lunch every week and show that he's happy until one day he fires you and then tells you that you should've known that you were doing a lousy job even if he acted otherwise. I then asked her how she takes the responsibility and what she's done to become a better person? is she a better communicator now? is she more open and honest about what she's thinking? etc. Then I told her that I'm disappointed but not surprised that she's looking for other people to tell her to come back to me rather than seeing that one man loves her above all. I told her if I listened to other people I wouldn't be writing this. I told her to ask herself if these people love her and our D more than me? will they come to her rescue through an earthquake or a snow storm? I told her she could bet her ass that I would. I then told her that no matter what I write to her its obvious she doesn't care about me, she doesn't respect me and she wants nothing to do with me and her occasional flirting and playfulness that I took as a sign of her wanting to get back together I was completely wrong in my interpretation.

So that was that, for the first time in over a year since she left me I'm feeling angry at her. I had such a lousy day, I went out for a drive and every friggn car had couples, like I'm the last single person left on this earth. I haven't been with anyone and yet I don't know who she's been with. I feel stupid for wanting her when she's torn this family apart and caused me so much pain. If this is my punishment for hurting her with my words in the past and she kept her mouth shut and pretended that things were ok after I made up and cuddled her and said sorry then what should her punishment be for walking out of this marriage without trying, hurting me and our daughter knowing fully well how cruel this whole thing is especially to our D who has no say in who she wants to be with. Sometimes I get strict with D and she starts crying wanting her mom. STBXW says she does that to her too as if our 3yo is manipulative without regard for a little child who just wants comfort from the other parent. The other parent who could be her safe haeven for the time being. Makes me so angry. All this for her own self fulfillment so she can be out with guys drinking and having dinners while my daughter goes to bed wondering where mommy is why she couldn't be her. It just sucks! makes me sad and makes me mad. Ughhh!!