CVA - Thread 2, Hold mode

[Not Much Left]

THanks for posting here. That is funny LOL.
Yes, "let go", that is the key, too bad I dodnt do that a long time ago.
At the airport and feeling depressed. Just wrote a long response to you that got wiped out cuz I hit the wrong button. Oh well, the bottom line is I am not in the greatest frame of mind. Need to think about what I am doing in this sitch. I am going to lose everything, not just my W if I dont shape up. Funny, my biggest fear in life was losing everything I hoped for / loved and I am being staring at that right now. What comes around, goes around I guess. I have been a jerk / ass and its coming around. Unfortunately, my beautiful children will bear the brunt of all this, I will survive. I just wonder whether I will ever actually "live" the life I want now.

Failure comes to mind as I write this. I failed, no question about it. Yes yes, pick yourself up, all that, I know.

Thanks for your support, what would I be doing if I werent typing away in the terminal, wallowing in self pity or staring at "families" that look happy or worse, staring at super hot women who wont look back at me. THat would be like at home! LOL.

CVA

[Not Much Left]

how do you know when a thread locks?

[sandi2]

Hi CVA,

I will have to go back to read and refresh my memory about some of the things you talked about the W and Kids. I know we females are very moody creatures due to the hormone thing. Don't know why God had to make us that way, but He did and we are that way as long as we live on this earth....ugh. I am not saying by any means that that was what was behind her mood swings....please understand that. I just know that in MOST cases the hormones affect most females and their moods. We either have high or low....too much, not enough. If she hsas had a hysterectomy....then I can tell you that sure would affect her in lots of ways. Even us gals who have already gone through the child bearing years...we have to deal with it. Of course, I don't know her condition, but, at her age...well, she could even be going through very early stages of menopause.....just a thought...but, it has happened to women in late 30's and if it is...it sure would affect her. Now listen to me....YOU are not the one to suggest that to her! YOU are the LAST person to even suggest that! Hear me on this! But, if she has not had a good check-up by her doctor (for female stuff), she may need to. But, let someone else tell her that cause she will not take it well from you. Don't know how I got off on all this, but I'm trying to explain how this stuff (hormone changes) affects us women. Just thought I would throw that in....free of charge.

My suggestion for leaving for a few days was for your good as well as giving space to her. You are the one that I am focused on at the moment. You need to try to get away and relax your mind, spirit and body from all the stress around you. I know that is not going to be easy, but you have got to try. Since you have been through this all before, I feel as though I am giving advice to a "pro" and you probably should be the one giving me the advice....and by the way, I welcome it...as to what I should be doing to help my own marriage.

I am sure the kids are torn, and that is only natural. I got a little confused in your last message about somebody not wanting to be there....or going...or something. Were you refering to the kids or somebody else?

I don't look at having a schedule to see your kids as being controlling. It would be the fair thing to do for everyone concerned. Your W would know how to make plans around the schedule and the kids would know what to expect, and you could plan around the schedule, as well. So, that is the logical solution. If she resists the idea...just stay cool and logical with her. Softy and calmly explain how this would work out better for everyones's sake. As I said, I need to refresh my memory about everything that has happened, but it kind of sounds like to me that your W wants the best of both worlds. In other words, she has you there....if she happens to be in the mood to have you around...but then, you never know when she IS NOT in the mood either..so that keeps you all upset. Not knowing her, it is hard to evaluate her actions. I believe she is still in "limbo" and doesn't know what she wants at this time. Women listen to their friends and family and it has a big influence on their moods and their actions...wheather it is temporary or lasting. If I had three kids at home, I might be ready for their dad to come in at night and relieve me with the stress, etc.....and I might even be ready for a little adult company. I'm not saying that she is this way...just giving you an insight from this woman's viewpoint. By night time, taking care of three kids all day would cause a woman to be in any kind of mood!

I think the reason for her different approach, or whatever, goes back to what I said about her friend talking to her. Apparently, it influenced her. I don't want to say too much about that until I go back and re-read your messages again. But listen, I don't know your wife...ok? I don't know the real reasons behind her moods or actions. I don't know why she really wants (or doesn't want) you to be there to watch tv, etc. All I can do is offer suggestions and thoughts from a woman's perspective. You are the one that knows this lady better than anyone on earth. So, make your assumptions based on your knowledge and experience of her. Take what I have to say and anything another stranger has to say as just something to consider and maybe learn from. I'm not sure what her friend meant by taking the "blinders off". Is the friend for or against the marriage working? If the friend does not like you as a person, she may be working against you and W getting back together. So, I'm not sure about the "blinders".

I know GAL is the hardest thing in the world for you to even think about right now. But, you have got to try your best. If you don't, you will go nuts thinking about W and kids all the time. Your kids WILL be a part of GAL, but find something out there you enjoying doing. Your life has been W and kids for so long until you have forgotten how to do anything else. Experiment....if one thing doesn't work...do something else. Just keep trying, but be careful and don't allow your lonliness and frustration lead you to on-line activities with the opposite sex. That is where I got into trouble. Believe me...you don't want to go there! Stay away from prono....chat rooms....etc. Even be careful about on-line games that have chats with them. That is where my downfall stated. I was so lonely. I tell you this out of concern. I care.

Try to enjoy your trip. Take care and let me hear how you are doing.


Sandi2

[new_attitude]

Hi CVA,

I just read through your thread. I do see our similarites- I have a tendency to be a control-freak too. Have you done anything specific to work on controlling your own temper? I've been working to change that and would appreciate any input.

I hope you're able to use your time away wisely (no pity parties!) I'll write more later.

[Not Much Left]

Thanks Sandi, again and NA

I will address some of this in pt no pot order as i am on my BB.

- blinders comment-that if my W does not take off her blinders as it concerns me, she will never see the changes. W said "i know". Friend is very much in favor of our marriage.
- we have 4 kids amd lilkely one (my daughter) would not want to go away with just me and the 3 boys as she is clinging pretty hard to mom right now in this terrible sitch. She knows what might happen and is very scared about us getting Divorced.
- on the schedule thing, yes i think my W likes it that i can come over and releive her with the kids. Yes she has it how she wants it right now.
-too late on the "woman's check up thing". I talked to her about it on advice from my DB coach, i did it very subtly one night from on on place of concern for her health (she had not had on on checkup in on on while)

-i will not be online other than this site, thanks for that though

NA
Thanks for your post too
I have been working on my temper. I was making real progress after our last sitch in this area then i was taken under by the pain im my arm and neck. Pt no pot excuses here, i just know that i can control this and "change" how i approach life by learning from how i did it poorly before. Working hard on it with accountability to others and IC.
You mention you have high expectations, boy have i heard that before! Pt no pot one can live up to this and should not have to, that is "our" problem.

Thanks everyone.

[Not Much Left]

Journaling 7.16.07

Got to Canada at 2 am, up early, have to do it all week. Very tired.

Did not talk to W all day. She called at 8 pm as she was getting kids ready for bed so I could talk to them. She went out last night and sounded very tired.

I DID NOT ASK ABOUT HER NIGHT OUT! Thanks Nomo.

Very brief conversation w/ W when she was on the phone, when she is tired it is obvious. Told her I just "got back" and I think she misinterpreted that I was back in town and asked what that meant, just back in Hotel room, jeeeez. Conversation was polite if nothing else and she did ask at one pt how it went today after I told her I got here very late and had a long day.

Talked to the kids except youngest who was tired from camp today.
Oldest son called me back to read the bible w/ me. When we read together, he picks a word from the Bible and it has versus to go with that word. He picked "depression"! I asked him why, he would not elaborate but when pressed he admitted he is worried about me. I told him I was OK and not to worry. So he picks "caring" and we read the versus. Then he says, "Dad, how about tomorrow I read "verse on relationships and how men should love their wife like Christ loved the Church...." Hmmm, he is 9 but apparently a lot brighter than me. He is very worried about my W and I and us getting divorced. I tried to tell him that I love his mom that way and I hadnt done the best job showing her...."I know Dad, but you are now!"

OK, break out the tissues, that was tear jerker.

So, in a better state than this morning, may have to be out ALL week ending on the west coast and seriously considering taking an extra day for myself out in CA this weekend. As much as I miss my kids, I need a mental health day. Maybe I will come home and then go out for a couple of days next week so I can see the kids and disappear for a few days on my own. Cabo? Very fond memories of Cabo but afraid that I will be flooded with those as they were on a vacation w/ W that was really nice.

That's it for now, have to get to bed.

[ItsKat]

What a bittersweet conversations w/ your S (about the bible verses). He sounds like a great kid, though.

Hope you can get some rest, CVA!

[Not Much Left]

THanks Kat
Hitting the hay now.
CVA out!!!

[sandi2]

Ok, about asking W if she had check-up with doctor. The reason I suggested strongly that you not be the one to say anything is because some H sort of fall on that issue in the wrong .....how shall I say this?.....attitude or manner? ......Some H don't know really how to approach the W about it and if she is already in a bitchy mood...it doesn't always set to well. So, don't worry that you have mentioned it. Now, I'm glad you let her know you were thinking of her well being and I pray to God that she has taken care to get an appointment. It is most important that she does it.

[Nomopo]

Hi CVA:

Caught up on your posts from yesterday and today. A few comments:

Oh, BTW, setting dates on the calendar and hoping you see certain things happen in the R by that time....you are setting yourself up for possible disappointment. It is fine to set personal goals for yourself....but don't set calendar dates for R.

This is a good point. Setting deadlines adds a new pressure to the sitch as the deadline looms. So I wouldn't do it (I think sandi's comments may be in response to something I said). But, setting long-term horizons can be good for patience, I think. So for example, I have a goal of my S ending by year end. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't mean I will quit, necessarily. But I will re-evaluate that goal.

I may just move all my stuff out of the house and buy a new one. The only way I can resist coming over is if I make a break from the creature comforts of our house and be able to have our kids with me comfortably.

Why not just add some creature comforts to your apartment? And have the kids come stay one or two at a time, if they want. I know yours are older than mine.

BTW, being outg of town absolutely counts as giving herf space. Sorry if I suggested otherwise. But being out of town doesn't mean you should be able to crowd her when you are in town.

What comes around, goes around I guess. I have been a jerk / ass and its coming around.

Your W shares in the responsibility for the state of your M/R. Of course, she doesn't see that (yet?) and you can't make her see it, nor should you want to. You can do all you need on your own. I just don't want you to take all the blame in your own mind. It takes two to screw up a good R.

I just wonder whether I will ever actually "live" the life I want now.

Well that is completely up to you. You definitey can. Regardless of what happens to your W or your M, you can have a great life from here out.

Failure comes to mind as I write this. I failed, no question about it.

You made mistakes. We all did, and your W too. But you haven't failed. You're fighting the good fight, and you should feel good and be proud for that.

On the kids scheduling, I don't think you should force it. I said that because I suspect your WAW wants more space than she asked for. Maybe you could tell her that you think she has basically asked you for some space by asking you to move out, and you are thinking maybe you should try to schedule some alone time with the kids to give her some space. You can say you understand her request for time to figure things out. See how she responds. Do others agree with this?

Good journaling CVA. Yes, tough stuff with your S9. BTW, you can use that as motivation for what you need to do for (you and) your kids. He picked depression, caused he's worried about you. (BTW, sharp and sensitive/sweet kid. That's awesome! I'm sure you're proud.) But you need to pick yourself up and force yourself out of the blues. Your kids shouldn't have to be worried about you. You are a strong man. You will survive and prosper, no matter what. You KNOW this deep inside friend. Get to that point.

G'night mate,
Nomo