Reconciling with ex-husband

[shiloh_rt]

Thank you Sara!

Being Catholic, I know about Retrouvaille. I shared the info with my ex...he is not really willing to go to anymore...

I do what I can to make him trust me, while still living my own life. I think that we both have to put ourselves on the line and work as a team. It won't be easy...there would be rough spots, cross words and tears. But I know he is unwilling to work with me..

[delia]

There you go...I've got some magic summoning effect!

[WAW in the OC]

He hacked my email pwd and I allow him to keep it so he knows I am honest. I call him to let him no when i leave my house. This does wear on me after awhile...esp when he got upset that I spent the day with my dad on the 4th of July instead of my ex.

Shilo_rt,

Welcome to our site. I must admire your courage to come here as most of us are the LBS's. My wife is currently having an A w/ OM 22yr old and we aren't even legally separated. We still live in the same house and she hasn't served me yet. She just gave me the verbal "I want a divorce" and thinks that's enough.

Anyway, I can completely understand your ex H's point of view I'm sorry to say. You must understand that an A is an A. Would you be able to trust him unconditionally if he had the A? What if you found out he had an A for the past year? Would it be easy to trust everything he says? You are doing the right thing by permitting him to see your e-mails and keeping him posted of your activities. These are only necessary if you truly want to get back together.

Right now I am fighting to save my M. If my wife comes to her senses I truly don't know how trusting I would be. When someone you've trusted w/ all your confidence breaches that trust, it is a very difficult road to repair.

In terms of letting him in your home the other night, if there was no fear of danger letting him see the proof would have solved the issue immediately. If there was still proof the bf was around, then your ex h's suspicion was justified. I am seeing it from the LBS pov so I know this isn't what you want to hear but it is what we are feeling considering what we've been through.
If you truly want your H's trust again it will take a long time. You will need to report in and answer questions constantly. If this isn't something you're willing to do for the sake of your relationship, then you need to move on.

Be sure you and your ex read the infidelity portion of DR. It addresses the feelings both of you will have if you want to get through this rough time.

You are very fortunate to have the opportunity to get back w/ ex. You both can work on the R and make it better than before but it will take some work on both parts. See if he is open to reading DR. It sounds like he still has strong feelings for you.

[shiloh_rt]

I don't have the opportunity to get back with him anymore....

Here are his final words:

"I am VERY sad.

But I just can't be with someone who is not honest. Please don't write back and try to explain that you were being honest. I don't want to hear it.
Good luck with everything. I will miss you."

I am sadder than one can imagine...this is like a death.

[Sara]

Shiloh,

I am sorry for what has happened to you. Yes, it is terrible. The more I stay on this site and read everyone's stories, the more convinced I become that marriage repair is not a do-it-yourself job.

At this time you can only give him time and space. Read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy. They can still help you. IF he ever changes his mind again, you should push for assistance in reconciling -- either retrouvaille or marriage counseling (or both). To just swing with the wind of one's emotions is damaging to both parties. Getting along with a partner takes discipline.

[shiloh_rt]

Thanks...I sent my ex this link and he did reply back. He believes I am portraying him as a monster. I hope this is not the impression every one got. I do not believe he is a monster, or I wouldn't miss him or want him back...

[delia]

Shiloh--

No, not at all. I don't think that anyone would have that impression. We've all been through emotions that have pretty much turned us upside down and inside out and backwards. My guess is that the typical poster on this board will see two people in very intense pain: two people who ought to be together but who just can't seem to bridge that distance. Nobody's going to see monsters where no monsters exist. My guess is that many people here will tend to strongly identify with your ex.

I feel a strong sympathy for both of you. You are both good people.

Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy? There's another title others swear by: The Five Love Languages (I think that's right).


(((Shiloh AND ex)))

[Trip]

shiloh,

You have to show him that he can trust you. Let him in your place when he asks, etc.

If you want him to accept you back then it is going to take a lot of work on your part, too.

I really understand where you are coming from but I also understand his side of it. Give him the space and time and in the mean time, show him that he can trust you.

[shiloh_rt]

Thank you delia!

I think my ex and I's biggest issue is trust. And the issue of therapy and counseling beginning sooner rather than later.

Does anyone have any comments or advice for me on that? I would like to start asap, but he wants to wait until the bf is completly gone....

[Sara]

I think waiting til the boyfriend is really gone is appropriate. If you want to get back together with your husband and both of you are committed to the relationship, then there can't be any boyfriends or girlfriends. When there truly are no other people involved, then you can work on building trust and deciding to trust.