My heart hurts for you because I know how scared you must feel. It sounds to me that your W has painted you to look so badly to ease her own concious and give herself...or somebody's permission for what she is doing to the family.
I also know how hard it is to change after we get into our 40's. But, don't think that you are changing to get her back, sweetie, change for the kids and you. She may never go back to you...even after the change, but you have to do this...knowing that is the chance you are taking. The end result, however, is that you will like yourself more....thus improved self-esteem, plus be a better person for everyone else. That is not to say anything is wrong with the person you are now, but I think you get the point I'm making. We all can do with a good self-improvement program. I think a good "make-over" in the wardrobe, hair, figure or physical condition, attitude, personality, spirituality...the whole nine yards...is something everyone needs from time to time. At least once a decade...lol.
I'm going to say something that is probably not too popular on this board, but here goes anyway. When you do all you can do to change and improve yourself to become the best you can be, and you've taken the advice of the books that have been recommended, and yet...she still doesn't come around to her senses to see what a great catch she has in you...then it is her lose, sweetie. One reason I told you to start living your life "as if" she may not possibly be a part of it anymore is the fact...she may not be. But, you will be a better person and ready to move on with your life. I know you don't want to even think about a life without her right now, but you have to act "as if". Don't trade in your self-respect! Even if it doesn't work out between the two of you, like YOURSELF! CVA is who you will have to live with the rest of your life. You are still young enough that if....IF...things does not work out with the W....you can have time to find someone else....in time. Don't go looking now or not in the near furture because you will rebound for sure. You will be much too vulnerable for a R with anyone else, but I'm just saying that there are other fish in the pond. No, I know you don't want to hear that.....so we will change the subject.
Your kids will be your family....always. I can only imagine how badly you wanted to have wife and kids after loosing your parents so young and then not having a real home afterwards. Dr. James Dobson wrote a book on Tough Love that explains a lot of what I have tried to tell you. It is that old stinking human nature that when we try to hold someone too close (and all the time they are wanting to pull away) we are driving them from us at an alarming speed. His book may be at your local library. It's good.
Anway, I do care about what happens, and I wish you God's blessings on your efforts. I think you can do it, but it will take a lot of energy and right now you are tired and wore out. So, I recommend that you start taking care of you....getting plenty of sleep, rest, excercise, and the right kind of diet. Rent some funny movies and stay away from sad and serious stuff that is depressing. You need a break from all this mess you've been around for so long now. It has you pulled down and wore out. It is hard to get excited about a "plan" when you are in that kind of shape. Maybe you could even take a few days off and go somewhere to get your mind and body to relax.
I want to hear from you. Take care of yourself.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
