Hey guys I'm new to all of this....but here's my story...I am the WAW, and now I want to fix what I have done! My, H, has since found that he enjoys his new found freedom, and isn't sure exactly what he wants. He enjoys dating people, but also we see eachother....usually once a week or or so. He was contacting rather frequnetly, but now has regressed. We do sometimes talk about working things out...but then the next sentence out of his mouth is " i just enjoy being on my own." I just have a hard time with the games that he plays...and I have a difficult time trying to stay positive and motivated.....anyone have any good advice!!
together total of 10 years Married Oct 23, 2004 dropped the bomb on him jan 17, 2007 filed for divorce on jan 30,2007 asked if we could work on things may 2,2007 put the divorce on hold may 30,2007 me 27 h-31
this is my crazy mess....and I am an emotional basket case
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Ok. I can only answer from my point of view. Had to back away for a second and think about it. I will be nice.
What would it take for me to accept my WAW back?
Its been 3 months of seperation for me now. I get angry about what has been done to me, and why I am here. But I do miss her and want her to come back. Although I would have a hard time if she just came waltzing back in and said, "here I am, lets just forget this happened. (You can kiss my butt now.)"
What would it take?
In the 3 months we have been apart I have came to some realizations. I realize that I did alot of things to push my wife away. I was not there for her when she needed me. I did not listen to her when she needed me to listen to her. I did not hold her when she needed me to hold her. I did do alot to fail her and our marriage.
I also realized that I was not the only person that Ef'ed up our marriage. The things I realized above, could also be said on her part too.
What would it take?
If she walked in and said she wanted to come back. I would like to see a genuine interest in making a better relationship than we had before. One where we both could grow and also grow together.
When she left she did a very good job at pointing out all of the areas of our marriage that I Ef'ed up. I would like to hear some admission on her part on her misgivings.
I would like to hear, "I am sorry that things came to this, lets work TOGETHER at making our marriage right"
If there was a 1 night fling during the seperation, and it was something that chances of me finding out were slim to none. I dont want to hear about it. If there was an affair, it be better to (even though extremely painful) to hear it from her, then to find out later when I thought we were rebuilding things. Along those lines, I would NEED to hear that it was over and done with. A sorry would go a long ways. But I would probably need some time to digest this. If I get angry and slam doors, or walk out, the best thing to do would be to give me space now. An ego stroke would go a long ways to, something along the lines of "you are still the best I ever had"
I would work hard at making things right, but I would also be watching closely for changes and willingness in her too.
I have to admit I wish that my WAW had your attitude right now. I got to go........
thanks for some good advice....we have been seperated since january....i try really hard to give him "space" I know for a fact he is dating other people...not just me. I try to do ego boosts whenever possible, and I genuinly have apologized for what I did. I know that I can not take back the hurt that I caused...but would do anything at this point to fix it....just wish he was on board with me. Sometimes I think he is...and the next minute he pulls away....I know that it will take time for him to trust me again...when I walked away...he was on vacation, and I packed the whole house up and left. I regret leaving like that, but things in our marriage were so miserable, he had been lying over several issues(money, work,etc.) we were living two seperate lives in one house. I feel that I have grown so much during these 8 months apart that loosing my bf is just not an option....like I said, wish he was on board with me....thanks again for the advice!
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
"I feel that I have grown so much during these 8 months apart that loosing my bf is just not an option....."
Uh.....What!!??
Well again I speak only from my perspective. I am assuming the bf stands for boyfriend? If that is correct....
Well if you were my WAW and wanted to come back to me, yet did not want to give up your boyfriend. Well to be brutally honest with you, I would slam the door in your face. I would want to see a genuine willingness to work on the MARRIAGE.....and for myself well a boyfriend shows me not very much willingness. I mean how hard would a person be able to commit to working on something if there is a fallback right there?
Hun, you need to sort this out. I do want my wife to come back. But the slate has to be clean. Lets start over and build a better marriage than before. Let the past go. Let the bf go. Be ready and able to give it 100% effort.
Sorry if what I said makes you feel uncomfortable, it is just my opinion do what with it what ever you choose.
totally meant best friend...not boyfriend, I am not dating anybody at this point...trying to get my life in line and make some positive changes within myself...he said he liked the old me...so working on trying to find her!...sorry to confuse you
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
I am truly sorry you are in the position you are now in. It can be extremely hard for many of us to really understand and empathize with a WAS, simply because these are the people who have helped to hurt us and brought us to this site too. However, it is really great that you have done some introspection and now feel like your choice to WA was the wrong one and would now like to work things out. Yea for you (and for your H, if he decides he wants on board)!
I'm wondering if you can provide some insight as to why you've decided to reinvest in your M. What brought you back from the WAW mentality and what put you there in the first place? Is your drive to come back influenced at all by H and changes he's made, things he's done/is doing, etc? Knowing these things would help many of LBSs out, but would also help us to understand your sitch better and give you some advice.
You said you've had a lot of growth over the last 8 months -- does this mean you realize how you've had a part in the crumbling of your M? Do you think H has come to look at himself and see where he has had fault?
Hope to hear back from you and that you get the support and help you're looking for!
Opps sorry, my bad. I am not touchy.....uh really. LOL
Yeah, as you can see I am in the middle of my turmoil too. It boils over, hope I did not offend you. I read that wrong, thought you were saying you wanted to get your husband back and keep your boyfriend too.
Still wishing my wife had your attitude too. If she did, I think there would be a good chance of success for me. Perhaps for you too. Be patient. If you get real bored you can find and read my whole sorid mess. I did change my name. When I first started I was NoDontDoThis but shortened it to NDDT.
Thanks for talking to me. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
There is a lot more to my story....I left what I thought to be a hopeless situation, we fought endlessly over finances (my parents are both deceasced which left me a little money....a blessing and a curse), he refused to get health insurance, yet was an avid snowmobiler and 4wheeler rider...which scared the hell out of me, there was no communication the last 6 months of the marriage...he lived his life, I lived mine. Needless to say, I had given up...wish I had read some of Michelles books then...maybe wouldn't be here now...anyway. As for why I want to work on it: I have had time to analyze my wrongs...I know that what I did wrong in the marriage I can change, and I want to change, I don't want to be a "right fighter" (dr phil) I want to be happy, he has learned that he needs health insurance, and he is working now and manages to find jobs between his unemployed stents. I have also learned that he can not read my mind, and I can not read his...I must say what I feel in order for things to happen. After being seperated for about 5 months, I started to realize a huge piece of my life was missing, there was a treamendous void. Rick had been there to help me thru both my parents deaths, and I just can hardly bare to think about losing one more person close to me that I love. Pretty much I have decided that by me making some small changes withing myself...compramising on finances, taking a different position within my institution(one with benefits), sitting down and working on finances together, we could really make this thing work....now it's getting him on board....one minute he'll talk about getting back together, the next minute he will say he enjoys his freedom to much to have a wife again....and he says his scared to death that in 5 years what if I leave again....I have tried so hard to reassure him, that after this experience, there isn't anything I want except to save our M, and hopefully start a family someday.....still he's not convinced. I think he's reliving his younger bachlor days. I told him the grass isn't greener on the other side...there's just more to mow!:)
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
My advice is to keep showing him that you are there for him. reassuring is all fine and well but actions speak louder. Let him see what you have done to make yourself whole be steady and true with yourself and the times you are with him. Let him see that he can count on you and rely on you. Yes, tell him that you know you made a mistake and that running away wasn't the answer and that your marriage means so much more to you than you thought. Own up to your mistakes, which I am sure you have but he has got to see it come from your heart and mind. Show him that you are where he expects you to be or where you say you will be. Let him know and don't fight it if he asks about any move you make. Know too, that this will calm down once he feels he can trust you completely once again.
Also, work on being that catch. Show him how the wife that ran away is worth him letting back in to his life and your marriage.
