The Plank is out of my eyes, but too late for WAW?

[Heimlich]

Ug. We had the talk and it was as expected, she's done and is planning on calling an attorney tomorrow. She's at least open to the possibility of mediation rather than an attorney, so financially this may not be too awful. Plus, since neither of us is out to hurt the other, that should go smoothly. Man, I can't believe I just had to type that.

I told her how I feel. I'm sorry for making you feel unimportant. That my heart was always in the right place, but I couldn't consistently translate my feelings into actions -- especially over the past 4 years as I kind of lost myself and really withdrew from her. I acknowledged to her that her feelings are valid and that I am responsible, in a big way, for where we are today and for how she feels and that she doesn't have to apologize. I did ask for a little time to show her that the changes I'm making are real. That I'd like for us to really be a couple, a partnership, and to do that I need to change, but that the changes are for me first. She said that she's tired of trying. That she is a nurturer (which she is, and she has made me a better man) and that she's tired of trying. For the first time in a while, I opened up to her and said that I know that you've tried to help me for years, but that I locked you out. She feels like I'm holding her back because I haven't changed. I acknowledged that she has developed a lot of self-confidence in the past few years (low self-esteem for years) and that part of the reason I didn't open up to her as I lost myself is that I was alwyas the strong one and didn't want to burden her.

The thing is, I've only just realized how much I've hurt her. I told her that she doesn't have any reason to trust me, but that I feel like I am changing. She sees me becoming a little more like I used to be, but sees it as manipulation. She's also complained for about two years that her hands hurt, her kneck gets stiff, and a few other aches and pains. When I'm gone, she says she's fine. When she starts thinking about me coming home, she said her hands started hurting again last Tuesday. She says that physically, she just can't give me time. She doesn't trust me and that I'm changing for show. She was afraid of how I would react. That she was scared of me. That hurt. I told her that, since the night she told me of the A, I haven't been angry with her at all. Frustrated, but not angry and that I would never hurt her.

While I'm sad, I'm not surprised. I was almost certain this conversation was going to happen. I was just hoping that she would agree to give me a litle time. After all, as I told her, we can always divorce. She's gone to a pottery shop for awhile. I asked if she wanted to be alone and she said yes, so I didn't push. I did tell her throughout the conversation that I have realized that she is the most important in my life and that I really do understand how I acted made her feel the way she feels. She did admit that she could have spoken up at times rather than avoiding conflict, but that the way I've responded to her over the years made her feel stupid. I'm still trying to grasp that one. I can be opinionated, but I never thought that she was stupid. She said I made her feel like she was never good enough or smart enough. I told her I never felt that way. Ever.

I have no idea how to handle the separation conversations we are going to have. I don't want to leave. I don't want to be a part-time parent. I want to be with her. I know I need to let go and act as-if, and I'll be able to, but, damn, THIS SUCKS. Especially since I was the one, in many ways, that got us here.

We're still friends, and there's a lot of love for each other. She just says that she's always tense when I'm around. Time to really start being myself with her again and showing her that I'm a man worthy of being with. As everyone says, time and patience.

Going to get a little work out in the home gym now. Not really GALing, but it does make me feel better.