Since my last thread recently locked up, I'm bringing some items that are important to me to get feedback on over here from there. Any WAWs 2 cents would be esp appreciated! This is in regard to "the last stand talk" I'm debating about giving my W prior to D day:
DB coach agreed that I should say something to W about the possibility of putting a hold on the D as D day draws nearer. However, she felt that I should avoid saying anything about "the R with OM not panning out." She also felt that I should add something along the lines of "You know the door is still open a little, and no one else has my heart right now," (the rest is my addition to it -- haven't kicked it around with coach or anyone else yet):
"I'd like to give us another chance to work things out with a clean slate, and go nice and slow with no expectations and strings attached. If it doesn't work then we can always follow through with the D at that time. I was a fool to file in the first place and I never wanted this D. I understand that you very well might, but I'd like you to consider saving this M one last time, because I think we can. I know I've made a lot of mistakes over the years, and I can never take them back. However, I have finally owned them and released them. They are the past and I've made a choice to leave them in the past. I've made a choice to leave all of the bad times in the past and to forgive, because that is the only way to move on and have a healthy life and R. It took some time, but I finally realize that I will be okay, with or without you. However, I prefer it to be with you. You've helped me to see what I'm in serious jeopardy of losing, and I don't want that. I'd like us to start over, W, and to do so as equals. I know we can do it right if we give it a second chance."
Okay, this is more or less what I was thinking -- any opinions and/or constructive criticism? It might be too long, and then again there might be more that I want to say but haven't figured out how to do so (maybe something about how the way I attempted to unfile was wrong, and that I should've talk to her about it vs. sending a request via our attys). Also, I'd like some opinions on when and where I should bring this up -- should I ask her to meet me for coffee, or to sit and talk to me when she arrives to pick up the kids, etc? What would be an opportune time for this?
DB coach also suggested mentioning to W at some point during this conversation about reconciliation (maybe if/when W declines the idea of giving our M another chance) what I appreciate, admire, and respect about her, especially in relationship to the hardships endured with me (our hard times), and how I will never forget that about her. Also, she said I should state that I will never talk ill about our M, and I will always say when talking about it that we both learned a lot about ourselves throughout the M, and it has made us better people in the grand scheme of things and better prepared to have a healthier R/M in the future.
Takes on all of this?
I'm still trying to figure out how to best approach my W with "the last stand talk" about possible reconciliation in a few weeks. I'm thinking about doing it 2 weeks from Sunday, so the 29th, but could be Aug 5th too (D day is Aug 16th). My DB coach recommended looking for those moments where there seems to be sadness or remorse for the current state of things (like there seemed to be last week when W and I briefly discussed my attempt to unfile). She said that these are moments where the door is slightly open and when an LBS can make an attempt to "strike when the iron is cold" and W is feeling somewhat vulnerable. So, if this sitch arises, I'll try to be ready to seize the moment and do "the talk" then. Otherwise, I'm wondering if at my 2 or 3 week mark I should a) wait until she comes to pick up the kids and just ask her if would sit down and talk to me for a few minutes, or b) call her and ask her if she would be able to meet me for a cup of coffee when she's free, or c) go with another option I haven't thought of.
I pasted two different posts together in the above info, so it gets a little repetitive at the end (sorry). If anyone has any thoughts I would be greatly appreciative of you time. Thanks.
