Well its been a while since I updated. A lot has happened, some positive, some negative. Not sure how to interpret it all.
So i did rent the house, and my wife and I sat down and made a seperation schedule together. We even agreed for me to buy some nice new furniture. She even was up late text messaging me with links online for furniture I should look at.
So that all makes me feel like she is just feeling less guilty because we are partners in this dissolution. (not sure how we got there)
Then Monday the 3rd, it was a beautiful day and we take the girls out on our boat, we spend 5 hours together, playing music, drinking beers, laughing, all the while my wife is looking smoking hot in her bikini. At one point we are playing some dance type music and my wife is dancing on the boat and laughing with me. Looking at us from the outside and you'd say we were in love and a happy family having a great day.
Tuesday the 4th, we go to a friends house on the ocean for the fireworks as a 'family' - almost everyone there knows all about our situation. So its a bit uncomfortable for me, I think for her as well. Anyways, i put it aside and make it the best day I can for the kids. At times my wife would almost follow me around and join in conversations i was having with people.
Then on the 5th i flew to san francisco with friends for 5 nights. The first night i couldn't sleep i missed my kids. Second night, same deal. I almost got out of bed to change my flight to go home. I don't know how i'm going to handle this seperation. I call every day to talk to the girls and wish them a goodnight. Day 3 my wife calls me and tells me my older girl wants to talk to me and she misses me, she is crying on the phone. I talk to her, and try to make her feel better. My wife gets back on the phone and says shes been having a bad day and has been crying for me for a while now.
Next day, same deal - daughter is crying for me. It breaks my heart. At that moment I realize I can't move out of my house. Its not fair, and my kids will always think i abandoned them.
So i get home this week, and things are pretty calm and friendly with my wife. Then at night I tell her that I can't move out. She gets MAD as hell. She says 'what you can just change your mind, i thought we agreed to this. You just get to spend a ton of money on a house you aren't even going to live in?'
I kept calm and resolved. I told her 'i realized things about myself i can't compromise, and 1 of those things is that i am a good father. and by moving out of the house I feel i am compromising that about myself. I can't change how you feel about us, and i understand that I don't havecontrol over my ability to keep our family together so I can be a good father 100% of the time, but I can control whether or not I cooperate in dissolving our family. I know it doesn't change anything with us, but at least then I can live with myself.'
Anyways, i leave the room, and about an hour later comes down to my room. Doesn't have much to say, but we end up chatting about things for a few hours. Nothing substantial. A little about us and our relationship. She repeats how she doesn't love me anymore, etc. We talk a little about how our marriage simply got neglected. She asks 'so what do we do now?' I say 'you have to do what you need to do'. Which basically means she is going to have to file for divorce, and we will sell this house and finalize and move out together.
She then accuses me of sitting around hoping that OM turns out to be a jerk and she runs back to me asking for forgiveness. I tell her 'no, i honestly don't know how that would work out, i would rather we both make a decision to work on us as i know deep in my heart it could work, it would just be really hard.'
Anyways, the conversation ended around 4am. We go to bed, and the next day is pretty standard. Calm, my wife is nice to me, etc, we hang out in the back yard as a family getting some sun, etc. Even have dinner together at a restaurant. Beginning of dinner was a little tense, but around half way through dinner we end up goofing around with the kids and the whole family is laughing and having a really good time.
Fast forward to this weekend. Since I went out of town last weekend, this weekend was supposed to be hers. AND she left to go out of town for 4 days with OM. I hate the OM. Right before she left I heard her crying in her bedroom. I didn't go in because i wanted to give her her space. But around 10pm I walk in and ask her what time she is planning on leaving, and notice her eyes are really red. I say 'Is everything ok?' she says 'no, everythings not ok'. (in my mind i'm wondering if they broke up), well instead of asking i say 'would you like a hug? i know probably not from me, but i do have two arms' so i walk up to her and give her a hug and tell her 'i don't know whats bothering you, but i know everything will be okay, it always is.' It was a nice hug, i got a little squeeze back, but in all my wife was a little distant, lasted about 10 seconds and then i pulled away. Anyways, she says thanks, and then she gets back to packing and at one point before she walks out she indicates that why she was crying was she talked to her mom. And her mom does not want to talk to her about the OM. (so now i get it. She wanted to be all happy about her trip with OM, and her mom let her know she thinks she is making a big mistake and wants to hear nothing about him.) I was milling around, and she asks 'you look upset'. I reply 'not sure how i should look when my wife is leaving to spend the weekend with OM, i honestly don't even know what my feelings are right now there is so much going on inside me'. She said 'that makes two of us'.
So now i'm alone with the girls for 4 days. We are having a good time, and we watched some crappy Disney show about wishing upon a star, then last night i was putting the girls to bed, and the oldest says 'if i could make any wish, i would wish to live with you forever dad' (keep in mind they don't know about us living seperately at some point in the future) I almost cried, and told her that i loved her and would always be there for her.
Ok. So after reading some of frank_d's threads i feel like any positive encounters between us are positive and a move in the right direction.
On the other note, it seems like she just wants a partner in our divorce, and keeping me happy is her technique. She is pretty unconfrontational, and one of her traits is that she really doesn't like hurting people.
Either way. I am torn. The longer this goes on, the more i am angry with her. I don't know if i want to be married to someone who could act this way, and who would do this to her spouse. I will continue to DB though, because my kids deserves to have their mom and dad together. It also helps to think of my wife as hurt from years of neglect, and confused by her feelings for OM, and since her models growing up for what healthy relationships look like are non-existent, she feels the in-love feeling is what matters, not a loving caring partnership and deep friendship between two people.
It would take a miracle, and my wife would need to grow a lot to deserve a chance, but given serious dedication we can work through this. I don't know how, and i know its unlikely, but i don't give up easily.
SO where i'm at currently:
I feel this situation and in house seperation has helped me to grow as a person, it was probably even necessary for my growth. But i feel Divorce is bad for our family, and for us. So while i can't control the decision my wife is making, i don't need to be a partner in it. I will respect her decision and work through whatever direction she feels we need to go (even if it means divorce), but i won't compromise my values in doing so.
