Reconciling with ex-husband

[shiloh_rt]

Thank you Delia!

OK...here is my longer story. With a little update.

As I said before my husband and I were the best of friends. In fact he will always be my best friend...even now that he is lost to me. This breaks my heart. We used to call eachother symbiotic.

I suppose the biggest part of the problem when the "friend" moved in was all his complaining about our sex life to her. I didn't think it was appropriate. That was the only area of our relationship that we had issues with. I think our problem there could have repaired, but the sharing of that kind of information was wrong. Then he started getting closer and closer to her over the next few months. This was before i even thought to talk to anyone about my problems. The more he talked to her the more he wanted me to have sex. I felt like a prostitute. One of his lines was "We went out for a nice dinner what do i get in return" Of course it wasn't that blunt, but the perceived meaning was there. That is when I turned to others. At the point that my husband found the "logs"; I had an ea...but it could have ended there. He filed for divorce and I asked to go to counseling, but our one session did not go well. I felt like I had no where to go....I agreed to all his terms in the divorce, so I was left with a significant house payment and 10K in bills while he walked away with 100K. I let the bf in because I thought that was all i had left, and I was unsuccessful in finding a roomate to help with the afore mentioned mortgage.

My bf is not a bad person and I feel for him. I just never should have let him move out here so quickly. There was never any denoument with my ex-husband. Finally one day 2 months after my husband left he consented to let me go hiking with himself and our little dog. My bf said he had never seen me happier. He said that is the day he knew that my ex and I would have to find some way to reconcile, or at least salvage some part of our relationship.

I do all that i can to make my ex trust me. I send him meeting notices when I have long meetings at work. He hacked my email pwd and I allow him to keep it so he knows I am honest. I call him to let him no when i leave my house. This does wear on me after awhile...esp when he got upset that I spent the day with my dad on the 4th of July instead of my ex. He didn't believe me that my dad was here so he called my dad and stopped by the house to look for my dad's car. When he didn't see them he gave me the silent treatment.... Then I was very hurt to learn that my ex told his version of our demise to my aunt and uncle. Now they no longer talk to me. I suppose I have effectively destroyed my life with my horrible indiscretion.

I go to a counselor and she agrees that our reconcialltion needs to be a joint mission. That we both need to give and take. My husband subscribes to the "marriage builders" techniques of allowing him total access to everything I do, including my finances. This makes me resentful...I don't know what to do. I am now getting the silent treatment again since I would not let my ex husband in my house last night. I guess i just need to deal with the grief, but I have never felt this type type of grief in my entire life.

I don't know....thank you for being so kind to me. I know that I am a screwed up person with a crazy life...but I am not that horrible.