H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[SallyM]

thanks again. and your inlaw's sound like jerks. I'm shocked your mil could just write you all off. but then, I've always been blessed with my in-laws. they are very kind, giving people. in fact, I've had to stop talking to my mil too much...literally, she is so disguested with her son, and wants to be so helpful to me, and is such a nice person/good listener, I was involving her waaaay too much with all of the crap going on with H and I. and yes, I do tell them often that anytime they want to see the kids, etc, just ask. I take the kids by to see his grandmother occasionally, I call my MIL to give updates from their lives. And I don't want to lose them, either, although I know eventually I might. we did all have a good time, and we are already planning another similar outing.

the revisions he is making on our marriage really anger me, but I'm going to remember the truths of it. no, he's not that good an actor. better than I realized, but not that good. He keeps saying since the twins were born, yadda yadda yadda. but just a year and a half ago the man was telling me how lucky he was to be with me, how lucky he was to be able to (ahem) with me for rest of our lives, etc, etc. He used to brag about me to his buddy, he used to be proud of his home/family/wife. I'm going to remind him why he was. And being hysterical/freaking out doesn't do that, so no more.

H will have a great time at the sox game. Due to his work, he gets to go often, and just took S5 last a couple of weeks ago. the twins are not that much fun to take yet, btdt. He'll be happy. But you are right, I'm going to stop assuming he's with her night and day. and realize that even when he is with her, its not all sunshine and roses.

and you are right, of course, about not obsessing over the details of their R. I remember when I first found out back in march, I was obsessed with every tiny little detail...I wanted to paint a virtual mosaic on my wall of every moment of their A. I didn't ask many questions, but did talk to my therapist about it. She said the same thing...if you want to divorce, knowing can help separate from the person. If you want to make your marriage work, knowing can be very detrimental. I also talked to my friend (a therapist) who explained why I had this overwhelming need to know. she explained how the brain functions, etc, and it was facinating and helped me to mostly step back from it. Pretty much every thing I've found out ends up bugging me, anyway. Like asking if he wore his ring...he didn't. why? I figured he felt too guilty wearing it. nope, she asked him to take it off. ouch. somehow, there was no good answer, but that one really bugged.

okay, going to head off to the gym so I can be showered/dressed/fabulous looking when he gets here with the kids. think I'm going to take them out to breakfast and then to the park. H took them out yesterday, but he loves going out to breakfast, so bound to be that whisper of regret for not being with us. okay, so probably not, but still, will be fun for me and that kids.

weird thing happened last night. I woke up at 2am and was reaching for him in the bed. I thought I had just had a bad dream, and wanted him to hold me. then I realized it wasn't a dream, all this crap is really happening. You'd think my subconscious would know that already. lol. took me a minute to remember reality.

another weird thing, for the 2nd night in a row, I found myself sleeping partly on his side of the bed. really stretched out, oddly enough all along the upper part of the bed. I never do that, not even when he travelled in the past. in fact, I am fairly small and he has really broad shoulders so I used to take up much less than half our queen size bed, and even since he's been gone haven't varied that.

well, off to another fight-free day. and it will be. I will make it so. And I'm going to make some phone calls and make some real plans. gonna gal and all that. I am.