The Plank is out of my eyes, but too late for WAW?

[Heimlich]

Thanks Delia, Matt, and Nomo

Just got in from the drive from Louisiana. Lake Charles to Bush (across the lake from New Orleans) to drop the girls off at the W's parents (who also wish we could work things out, so that's a plus) yesterday. Then on the road at 8 (eastern) and pulled in front of my house at 10:30. The reason for this intro? A NEW personal drive time best -- 1060 miles, 14:30 hours (14:03 of drive time)!!! Woo hoo. I've been trying to break 15 hours on this trip for 10 years. It's the little things that keep me going.

Nomo: Frederick is about 20 miles north of here. Fredericksburg is 50 miles south of DC in VA. Not sure of any colleges in Frederick, so must've been Fredericksburg. The name of the college there escapes me, it's been awhile since an antiquing/civil war battlefield jaunt in that direction.

Matt, Thanks and watch out for those damn deer at NIST. True story. Bought a new Saturn just over 9 years ago. Driving it home from the dealership. Turn off of exit 15, hit a deer, which flops on my hood, placing a huge dent in it. My W was following me and didn't see it. I pull up in front of our house, didn't even turn off the car. There's $)%&)*#$ deer hair stuck on the hood of my first ever brand new vehicle (a Saturn, but still). Turned around and brought it back to the dealership. $500 deductible before I ever park the damn thing at home.

Anyway, to the matter at hand, Delia. Looking back, she gave me plenty of hints about how she was feeling, but I had my head up my a$$ (both before the A and then the recent backsliding after what I thought was a period of improvement). I've seen the term alien on the board to refer to WAW. In the two to three years leading up to the A, I was borderline depressed. Drank too much, didn't pay a lot of attention to her (at least, not like I used to), got even fatter, not happy at work. Looking back, while we did have a lot of really good times, I wasn't a great partner and an alien to myself. I didn't really like what I had turned into. She took the initiative on about 90% of the things around the house. I was a willing accomplice, but she did get tired of it. The twist here is that she was good at that stuff, so I had stepped back and did a lot of the day-to-day stuff with the kids (baths, feeding, diapers, etc.). As they got older, I never transitioned over to helping out with everything else. In some sense, I hadn't really grown up (which is an idea I've been chewing over on the drive up today. One good thing about long drives alone.) I've also realized that while I felt that I wanted to be emotionally close to her, I had withdrawn. I had always been the strong one in the relationship and didn't want to be seen as weak or burden her. I can see it now, a year ago at this time it was just part of the general sense of "drifting apart." Also, while it was never my intent, some of the ways I've acted regarding sex led her to see herself as a "piece of meat" (her words).

The problem with the honesty is that it's recent. Four weeks ago, I mentally gave myself the gift of honesty with myself for my birthday. I had my moment of clarity 4 weeks and a day ago. I'm terrified that it's too late. I've also felt like my old self again, for about 2 months now, for the first time in years. And that old self is a good self. The problem is, I've been in LA for 6 of the past 7 weeks (3 weeks each sandwiched around a week back home). The two weeks prior to the first trip down, I was strung out on pregnozone, which I had to take to cure poison ivy I got while taking the girls for a walk in the woods. That stuff made me nuts. I'd be telling myself to shut up and just keep on babbling about our R, which just drove her away.

Delia, she is a good person -- fun, funny, caring, sensitive, smart, a good mother and lover. I can see myself growing old with her. I keep replaying a very emotional conversation we had in mid-Jan. I told her that she was still keeping me at arms length and that I didn't want to live like that and was thinking of leaving. I didn't want to, but there was a wall. She broke down and apologized, really apologized (only the second time she did it). Said that she wished she could turn back the clock. Was sorry for hurting me. Didn't want to lose me. All of the stuff I really wanted to hear. So, my dumb a$$, thinking I'm God's gift to my W, doesn't really change my behavior. Underneath, I still blamed her, pushed sex too much, remained clingy and unconfident, kept eating not great and drinking more often than I should have (less than before, but still too much). I also picked back up on playing PC games and Xbox. Booze and games were two ways in which I ignored her and made her feel unimportant to me (again, a recent revelation to me). Rereading that, it sounds worse than it was. We were spending more time together and having a good time, but I hadn't changed, in any real way, my behavior.

She's said two sortof contradictory things about the months of Jan -- April in the last few weeks.
1. I never really felt connected or in love during that time. [I don't think she ever mentally committed to us. Lingering feelings for the co-worker, my continued bad habits -- not a good combo). Still, unless she's a better actress than I ever suspected, there were plenty of times when we both let our guards down, in and out of bed, where we connected. I was just too insecure to really keep positive momentum going.]
2. After that conversation, I was really ready to be a couple again.

I think the second is true and I wish I had said some version of the following: Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear. I know that was hard for you and I didn't realize how ashamed you felt about what happened. I haven't been myself for years, and I can see how my actions led you to feel the way you felt. I'm sorry too. You're the most important person in my life and I took you for granted. I'll never do that again. I'll also start changing, now, and become the man that you married, only better.

There's more that I rehearsed on the drive up, but I'm gassed.

She was asleep when I got home, in one of our girl's beds. I was expecting that we would sleep apart, but still hurt that she had already done so. I just touched her briefly on the arm to let her know I was home and that it was good to see her. I think we're going to talk tomorrow. Her mind, from everything that I know, is set on divorce. That we can't fix this.

I'm thinking of telling her the things I wish I had said tomorrow (and these are things I just realized, so it's new information, not a rehash of previous conversations). All I want is time to show her that I'm the old me again, but better, and that I can treat her the way I used to and really want to -- gifts, really being partners in our lives, dates alone, flowers, etc. Any thoughts on how to ask for that time without appearing to be begging? Just asking, in a firm, but gentle voice, strikes me as the way to go, but . . . .

On a different note, anyone have any thoughts about who should move out if it comes to that? I hate the idea of moving out because it's her D at this time and I don't want my girls to think I'm leaving them? Is that selfish? My MIL thinks I should be the one to leave because the "girls need their mother" and "it's the man thing to do." WTF, they damn well need me too.

OK, enough with the novel. Jeez, you wouldn't think I make my living as an editor would you?

BD