Ok vaction time officially is underway. Today there was a company sponsered picnic at a water/amusement park. I took my daughter there. We rode several roller coasters, the first one was really wild. Underground and stuff. Then in a massive wave pool, the waves got to like 12 feet high. Was really cool. And my oh my, some very nice scenery too boot.
Well there was also a company sponsered lunch provided, the meal was really not so good.......but it was free!! We were there from 11 am until 9 pm.
At the lunch there sits my brother in law. He has a daughter that is like 2 years older than mine, and they are close. Spent the better part of the day just hanging with them.
Soon as I got the chance I said to him, "look, I dont want to put you in an uncomfortable situation. I am here to mainly have fun with my daughter. I do not intend to pump you for information, I will do my best not to put you in an uncomfortable place. If I start to, just steer the conversation I will get it" He did say that he did not know to much, at that I answered, I imagine that you do know more than I, as I dont know anything about what is going on with her really. Left it at that.
Did have a pretty good day just hanging with him and letting the kids play. A few times I caught myself saying things, that I dont think he felt comfortable with........like money is tight now, I am trying real hard not to loose the house. He did at one point volunteer that he yelled at his sister about leaving after just buying the house.
I felt him also steer the conversation away at one point, when I did mention I was hoping that me and his sister would work things out eventually.
All in all, I feel I did do pretty good. It was good to hang out and mostly just shoot the breeze. It was also good not to be shunned by a member of her family. I dont think I caused him to feel conflicted. The one thing that I never did thoughout the day was to pump him, meaning I never once asked him any direct questions. I never put him on the spot like that. Yeah I danced around a bit, and if he was to start talking I am sure I would have been all ears. But he was not very forth comming. Just as well I suppose.
The hardest part was not allowing myself to ask any direct questions. The biggest one I really wanted to throw out there was, "Is she seeing someone?" But I thought this through.....I did not want to do that to him. Nor did I really want to know I guess. I mean, here it was a day going pretty well. I mean if he would have answered with a believable "no" well then I would have been happy, and hopeful. But if the answer was anything but a no.....or silence, or a subject change........ I asked myself do I really want to hear this today? And Ef up a perfectly good day? Not only for myself, but for him.....my kid? I mean an answer other than a no, I dont think I woulda been able to keep having fun with my child. And also......do I really want to Ef up the rest of my vacation? Probably the rest of the summer........
So I guess I will just keep my head in the sand for awhile longer. Unwilling to find out just yet....... I cant change it anyhow. Am I being stupid or naive?
I am glad you had a great time yesterday. It sounds like it was a lot of fun!
It is nice that you could talk to and hang out w/ your BIL yesterday. I think you did a good job of not pushing too much for answers. It is very likely, though, that he really doesn't know much, like he said. I was kind of surprised to find out how vague my H was w/ his family about what is going on. And you did really well to stay away from the OM question. There wouldn't have been an answer he could give you that would satisfy you because, really, he would have no way of knowing for sure either. I know it is hard, but try to put thoughts of possible OM out of your mind. As far as I can tell, you have no evidence of it and obsessing about whether there is or isn't an OM is going to keep your PMA down and keep you off course of making your own life what you want it to be.
"I know it is hard, but try to put thoughts of possible OM out of your mind. As far as I can tell, you have no evidence of it and obsessing about whether there is or isn't an OM is going to keep your PMA down and keep you off course of making your own life what you want it to be."
I wonder how many people who read that just now said amen!? anyone who follows my threads knows I have been stuck in that rut for a long enough time now. Maybe yesterday me not asking was a good sign of letting go? Like I said I cannot control it anyhow.
[quote=NDDT]The thing I do not really get is how all these Walk Aways go out and have there affairs, and somehow manage to convince themselves that it is the Left Behinds fault..... That we drove them to do this. What a load of crap! When they made the choice to have there affairs, they made the choice to fail there marriage, to fail there family. When they make the choice to BLAME us for there choice, they compound it by failing there selves.
Well, I don't know that I can give a satisfied answer or not, but I'll give you my humble viewpoint, for what it's worth. WAW feel so guilty and they are so unhappy and confused and they are on this frantic search for something to make them happy in life. They are in "limbo" and don't really know what they want to do, but they just want out of what they see as a really bad situation and probably the source of their unhappines (as they see it). Since they feel like crap about themselves, they have to drag the H down lower than themselves so they (the W) will look better. Also, they feel like they have to have their family, friends, etc., approval or permission for their decision to walk away from the M. If they are in an affair, the guilt and everything else is compounded, so they blast the H that much harder. You will probably notice that WAW hang out with those family members and friends that support their decision because they can't handle being around anyone that throws the hard cold truth at them. That is why so many are reluctant to go to MC with the H. They don't want to hear how they (the W) have failed in the M.
In my case, I felt like my H had always been the "good guy" with our kids, family, friends, etc. and I was seen as the "bad guy", so I had to make him look very bad so that I would not be hated so much by everyone. If I could just make them see him through my stained colored glasses, then they would encourage me to dump him and go for the OM. Otherwise, I knew they would frown on my decision and I would probably loose my grown kids' love & respect.
The LBS is in so much shock over everything that has hit him, I guess it is hard for him to realize just how low the WAW will stoop to soothe her own soul.
Hope this may have shed some light. I know it isn't a solution, but maybe it is a "why" some do what they do.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi.... you dug back a few days for that one. I was definatly in a more uh...angry frame of mind when I wrote that. Oh I still agree with what I wrote, but I dont feel the venom that I had 5 days ago. Funny thing is one of the things that got me going was that I followed the link you put up about the woman infidelity books.... and started reading the message boards over there. Ummmmm there are some very angry people over there. I do not recommend reading them if you want to keep your PMA going.
But Sandi the 2 books that you got over there, are they E Books?? I sure would like to read them.
Also Sandi, your turn around still does amaze me! Hang in there, and be strong!
What you said is very interesting about convincing people as to what a bad person hubby is. I have a feeling that may in some respect may be going on in my case. I do fight the urge to "tell my side of the story" when I see some of her people.
Wow! Ha we are twins. The anger is taking hold and I have to keep it at bay. I'm doing all I can, exercise, busy work, cleaning, lifting, riding, anything.
How long ago did you buy the place. My wife left 3 weeks after we bought. ????? Got a dog a few days before. Won't recap you have read it.
I think it is really helping me to get back to some music I used to listen to. Not really family friendly but it is dropping the stress level in the short term. I have to look internaly for the long term.
Well W flat out admitted that she is dating. Still swears up and down that nothing intimate is happening. But like everyone else has said, make your decision now and follow through. Take each new thing as it comes, take 48 hours. Think it through. Get some rest and try to keep your mind under control. Coming from the guy who has all but lost it.
We bought the place last Sept. Now I get to pay all the bills. I am slowly sinking. Sucks. Need to work harder or sumtin. Sorry I am kinda drunk........ I could probably be laying with a woman I met at the bar right now if I wanted to try a bit more. Choose not to complicate my life like that tonight..........although it was a close call, I left the door open mentioning I would be out again on Weds.......... hmmmmmmmmm
