you are in the right place. Ow is a symptom, a rainy cloud that you can do nothing about except don't go out while there's lightning.... so put the STOP sign in your face every time you go to that dark place of obsessing/ wondering "wth is He doing with HER???" stuff.
We all have done it and not one of us got happier or reconciled b/c of worrying and obsessing. Gotta let it go, at least for now so you can GAL and function. You are doing better than you realize btw. Really you are. If you are going to reconcile, obsessing won't help that either and if anything, I believe it lessens the chance of reconciliation. The more you know, the more you'll have to forgive and that also means, don't invent worse images of his actions than really exists. Just don't go there. Assume if he comes back it's b/c he is choosing you over her....and drop it. It would be true anyhow, and isn't that the important thing?
As for your h and going to the game without the kids, but with ow, IF true.....don't assume he is always happy with her or feels No guilt. I think that there is a great chance he'll wish some of the kids were with him at the game, b/c he'll have just dropped them off with you and then is Not taking THEM to a baseball game?? ...wth??? Of course he'll see families with kids and dads with their kids at the game, b/c not that many fathers go to games without their kids but with ow.... I bet he will miss them. You won't know it, but it'll happen. There are a 100 ways he'll think of the you and the family you created and 100 things that will remind him of good times, if they are not overshadowed by your anger...let those good feelings re-surface as they surely will. For every time you think he is having a GREAT TIME with OW, there will be many more real moments of him realizing that ow does Not know him as you do, and that your familiarity can be very comfortable, and that newness is not always positive and exciting.
As for your h's R with ow, it is not all fireworks and intellectual stimulation...and She may not enjoy hearing about the kids/past/family so much....and that will allow him to see her as she is, not someone without Your faults, but someone with her own...and lacking your good qualities and history --and please remember - don't get sucked into his delusions/rationalizations and revisions of the M. Like I said, is he that good of an actor that all those years he was faking happiness? Covering up his "real" misery? All those years of supposed happiness and raising a family life together...were just him making a mistake? Oops...I don't think so. Whatever causes MLCs all I know is that it is rarely, if ever, the LBSer. Or the MLC's dissatisfaction with the M, but their lives or some other weird problem of theirs. Mine is a workaholic and will likely never be enough to feel he can just "be". I hope to help him do that.
keep at this DB stuff, it, this will help you no matter what happens in the end, b/c it will help you be happier no matter what. And Please don't sweat being upbeat when you are not "off to Paris" and are only at home to read a good book and take a bath. You deserve that too, and besides, even YOU as busy and popular as you are, need a night off now and then.
As for the IL's.....hmmm, first, so you know, you are LUCKIER than most of us here. Many of our ILs' have dropped off the face of the earth b/c talking to the LBS makes THEM uncomfortable.....or they made things worse for the M in the first place. My mil is one reason I love living away from back east. oddly, my Father in law stuck it out and called the girls but my MIL (they're divorced....big shock....) acted as if we had died. I can only wonder how she must not know wth to do now that it looks like we're working things out. Sometimes I remind myself to be careful about what I wish for. Many people complain about the inlaws lack of involvement but honey it goes both ways. Maybe you should be reassuring to THEM that you will encourage any and all R's between them and your kids so they don't fear losing the kids so much. That will also have the benefit of not forcing them to "support" their son's idiotic behavior b/c they'll know they are not losing the kids if you guys split up.
BTW, how did you and your h resolve conflicts before all this? Our first years were good at that but lately, the past 5+ years our fights would escalate into attacks, and then we'd retreat, lick our wounds and really improve nothing...and resolve nothing. So, we need to get back on track.
With all the prayers you have been sending, I hope you ask what God's will is in all this. God may hate divorce, but he does want us to be happy. And he wants that for our children. At one point, I just ended each night and began each day with the prayer that God would take my pain and anger from me b/c they were too consuming for me to handle myself, and I asked him to heal our family. Now I also ask that He help me open my heart and mind to the possiblity of being happy up north, where I so did Not want to live, and to give it a chance. And to help me trust h as I once did.
fwiw, if my son ever pulls this crap, you can bet I'll have a "chat" with him about the facts of life -- and I hate the thought of someone doing that to grandkids I don't even have yet... take care j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
