I was told by a friend to contact you, so I tried to rush through reading your posts to catch up on things. I don't know if you have read my stitch or not, but I came as close as anyone could get to a WAW without going out the door. I have been married 41+ years to the same man. I don't tell that to be discouraging, but to say that MLC or WAS can happen to anyone at any age. I never thought I could be going through MLC ....thought I was surely past midlife! But, whatever you want to call it...it happened to me. Just for the record...I'm not healed yet..ok? But, I am a lot better off than I was when I first wrote my first post on here a short time ago. It feels like months, but actually it was more "days" ago. But, I have been in a cram session of reading books, material, message boards, web sites, you name it and I've read it for the past month. Anyway, I was home after having surgery and have been at this computer or my head in a book 24/7.
Now, about a WAW that I almost became. Maybe every woman is not the same in these situations...I'm not a professional by no means, just tell you from experience....it is almost something inside of the W that she feels she has no control over. Her entire life feels out of control. She is consumed with unhappiness. She is mad at herself for being unhappy because she feels she must have made poor choices to be this unhappy in life. She is mad at her H for not making her happy...which of course, he can't, but she blames him anyway. She starts on a frantic search for happiness. So, because she is so unhappy in her marriage and in her home, she figures the first thing she has to do is escape. I chose that word on purpose, because she feels "trapped". She feels trapped by her own choices and by you and by life in general. She wants "out"!
I am going to tell you that you will receive excellent advice in Michelle's books, here on this board and also two books that I found extremely helpful that can be found on a website called womensinfidelity.com. You can purchase it and download it right then to read. It talks about a woman going through this stuff in 4 stages....it takes two books to tell it, but they are worth the money and the reading. It would be a world of wealth for you and your W...if she will read it. It helped me more than anything. I was already in stage 3, which was scary to realize, but when I found out what stage 4 was....no way did I want to live like that, so that is when I made a decision to stay in my marriage. Stage 3 is in "limbo" what to do or even what you want to do....remember I am talking from the woman's viewpoint here. If I read everything correctly about your stitch, your wife is in limbo now. She is riding the fence. Even if the two of you are not living in the same house, she may not know what she still wants to do about the M. (Like I said, I was reading pretty fast.)
May I please just tell you this....don't tell her you love her, don't tell her how much you miss her and the kids, don't offer to give her a back rub...or even to touch her in a half-hug. I'm not being mean sweetie, (btw, I can call you that because I'm an old woman...lol)but I tell you that because I know what she is feeling. And, the more you say those things and try to touch her...even in a "friendly" way...you are cutting off yourself..and you don't even realize it. Just because she may not say anything does not mean she is not rejecting the idea of it, be it your words or your touch. The sad thing is...she truly does not want to hurt you. I believe that with all my heart! That is why women don't say anything...or they will just nod their heads. If she did not care about you at all....she wouldn't hold back on how badly she hurt you! Men don't understand.......they simply do not understand how this is pressuring a woman. The ILY's, the sad looks, the lingering at the door, etc....it is putting guilt and pressure on the W. Maybe you will never see it as being that way, but remember men and women are vastly different in their thinking!
Okay, so you are already thinking, what can you do to change the situation? Only you can change. May I suggest that you get a life ASAP! The sooner she thinks that you might just possibly be happy without her?.....the more chances you have of her coming back to you. Crazy? Yes, but then that is females for ya! Sweetie, I am 60 years old.....have to keep telling myself that to believe it....but I have not seen human nature change in this department. Human beings want what they can't have. Plain, but true. If she thought for one minute that she couldn't have you or that you did not want her....it would get her attention! Am I telling you to be dishonest? No! Am I telling you to have an affair with OW? NO, NO, NO!!! Am I telling you to move on without her? Hummmmmmm..........maybe. What I am saying, is GET A LIFE. Plan your days as though she were not a part of your life. Don't neglect the children, but go ahead and fill your days and nights up with "life" for goodness sake. Stop showing her how pitiful you are. Stop trying to make her feel sorry for you. Don't get mad at me now. I'm telling you straight. You go on like you are carefree and happy...even if your heart is breaking inside...don't you dare let her know it. You stay so good-looking that you put Brad Pit to shame! Well...do the best you can on that one. But, you get the idea, don't you. Don't get too obvious, but just look good everytime you think there is a chance she might see you. Have a good attitude....but don't get stupid with it and become a clown. Make plans with the kids that don't include her. She wants space.....by God, give it to her! Being under the same roof all the time is not giving her space! Listen to me sweetie, please. When a woman needs space badly enough...she will get it regardless of the price...in most cases. I was just lucky enough that someone got through to me in time.
I know what you are thinking. You are worried about doing what I've said and then loosing her. What a gamble, huh? No, not really. What you've done so far....has it worked? You see, this is the only thing that will work.....if she is going to come back at all. But, I promise you one thing, you try to make her feel badly about what she's done to the M....you've lost her. If she wants to talk.....LISTEN TO HER...but that's all. Be her FRIEND....but that's all. BE NICE...but that's all. Never be sarcastic, rude, or judgmental......and especiall never be hateful. She probably saw the best side of you before she married you, didn't she? Well, I guess that is what I am telling you to do now...show her that side again. Only this time, for a while anyway, you will have to omit the romantic things, because she can't handle that. Oh she may accuse you of not being romantic enough when you were married, etc., but it's not the right time now. Cause her to "want" you again. You remember how to do that, don't you? In case you need a little tip...play "hard to get". But, also be prepared to be rejected when/if things don't go like you hope. Remember, go on "as if".
Okay, I think I've given you enough to chew on tonight. If we talk more, and I hope we can...you will learn that I kind of joke around...but I'm very serious about the information I've given you tonight. I am a lot older than your wife, but sweetie, females have a lot in common that you men just can't figure out...lol. So, trust me a little, okay?
Take care of yourself.
Sandi2
Last edited by sandi2; 07/15/0703:27 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
