CVA - Thread 2, Hold mode

[Not Much Left]

SInce I dont know my schedule, I just said "make sure you have our housekeeper ready to go cuz I might not be in town", very upbeat!! She seemed actually very pleased with that response. My read of course.

That's good. Good job.

Asked if it was OK to come home Mon-Wed and "yes, fine" in an upbeat tone was the answer(s).

What does that mean "asked if it was ok to come home"? Are you asking her if it is ok to come to the house after work?

Yes, in the beginning she was able to say "no" dont come over tonight and that mindset seemed to change recently after her getting back from outing w/ her BFF. We have no formal arrangement like you do so...

Also, "good to see you" always met with the same from W. That's good too, yes?

I'm not sure about this, but I wonder if you being around so much, asking to come home, initiating backrubs, prayers, etc., constitutes chasing. If she needs the time and space to decide, or to get back reinvested in the M (in other wordsm if that is necessary for you two to really heal and get through this whole WAW syndromw), if you don't give it to her she may not be able to get to where you ultimately want to be. Another way to think about it is you may be getting your short-term needs met (it will be so hard not to be around as much, or if the backrubs end), but it may be at the expense of your ultimate objective. What do you think? Do you think you might need to pull back more? What did/does your DB coach say about this?

Ok, this is where I am monitoring. The 1st 3 mos, NO WAY was she saying, "good to see you too" and yes I am initiating. I will back off and monitor.

Just nice to be able to do that though I do not force anything.

Who initiates these? How does it usually play out?

Still not "me" at work, Mr. Focus and Get'r'done, more still just going through motions though I have my moments.

I so hear you!

Get home, "Good to see you's" traded.

Who says it first? If you, consider just saying "hi" next time you see her.

- I initiate, I will go back to "hi" and that is what I will get back. 17 yrs of exactly that. Unless I say something, I get (have always gotten) the minimum.

As far as you being over there all the time except for sleeping, how did the S come to pass? Did she ask you to leave? Refresh my memory.

- Yep, asked me to leave the same day as the bomb. No choice, get out or I take the kids to Dallas and you get out while I am gone. No room for discussion. I guess my definition of "space" has been significantly impacted by being out of town "on purpose" multiple days mixed w/ wanting to see the kids. Again, she was able to and I ENCOURAGED HER to tell me NO if she is uncomfortable with something. I told her I am too dense to understand yes or a nod may mean no, just say NO. That seemed to work so I assume at this pt she is still comfortable saying NO to me but may be wrong.

Ok, here is something. I say "I am going to miss you guys" while standing by the pool watching the kids swim. Dont know if she hears me, so I say "hello" to see if she heard and she nods up and down and says "we'll miss you too".

This sounds like you chasing her. If she is like my wife, she may feel very trapped, and hesitates not to say/do the little things, but didn't/doesn't really want to (like good morning kisses, and then hugs, for me). Sucked to lose them, but really they were only for my needs (which I have or should have put on hold), because her feeling obligated to do those things constituted pressure and chasing and didn't help the DB cause.

Hmmmm, did I solicit this? To a certain degree, but she did not have to say "we'll". All times before she has said, "they" or "the kids" will miss you.

It could be positive, but maybe not. I think you are wanting to read too much into, and maybe hoping for a quick fix. I'd stop soliciting. It'll be worth more to you and your DB analysis if she truly initiates a positive. (The same is true for me. When my wife meets my positive, upbeat tone with the same attitude, I note it as positive, but she is probably just being friendly, nice. When she came out of the blue last week and said I looked skinny, that was probably worth something. Make sense?)

Yes, and trying not to go down those tunnels. My sense of her responses after all this is a bit uncertain so, yes, I am certain I am doing some chasing and will back off. Thanks for pointing that out.

I guess it just hurts that my W seems more interested in spending time w/ others than me.

It does hurt. I know. Truly sorry. But put aside emotions and see how this can help your DB efforts. This suggests she does need the time and space to figure stuff out. And we both need to realize that thought we can do good DB things, and increase our chances of success, in the end it will be up to our WAWs to figure it out, and we have to let that process run its course. We have to step back to a degree.

Got here this morning, brought donuts early. Last night when I called W from the airport to talk to kids I told her I would bring donuts for D11 and friend who were staying over. She says "better get here early, D11's friend has to leave at 8 am".

You told her you would come over. Maybe let her ask you to. She won't for a while. This is a fine line because it's something for your kids, but try to note the difference. Ask yourself honestly which things are for the kids and which are attempts by you to be around your W (and, thus, interfere with her time and space).

She has actually told me to be around (asked). If I dont say anything, I risk not seeing the kids for a while given I have been going out of town a lot. Just trying to "strategically" position my being there when I am not out. I will think about this one. There is a fine line between controlling and trying to make things happen in a reverse sense a la DBing. Yes?

Certainly "just come to the house tonight and stay" would have been better but...

Agreed, but you know this is not realistic.

OK, got that out of my system. Am taking kids w/ W to see Harry Potter today.

Who's idea was this?

Ummm, not sure, we just talk about going and, you know, it just is assumed. Are you saying bow out if it assumed I will be there? If kids want me there, in the past I have said, "I will take them, you can go if you would like" with movies and dinners, she has always said "no, I want to go".

It is going to be a very hard week for me to be away.

I know, but your needs shouldn't be driving your decisions and actions now. Hers should.

How should I part tomorrow, 1/2 hug? Have not tried that for a while.

I think I would give the kids what they need, obviously, but as for W, I would totally follow her lead. She if she makes a move towards you (and don't linger with those puppy dog eyes begging for it). If not, I'd say "hve a good week" or "good luck" or "see you soon" or "goodbye" or whatever. I know it's hard, but think long-term goals versus your shorrt-term needs.

I just dont think she will EVER come my way

I think she may come your way at some point (probably much later than you want), but she sounds like she needs time and space. You need to give it to her. I'm afraid these little things (being there all the time except for sleeping (and work obviously), backrubs, prayers, etc. may be smothering her. I hope WAW1978 gives you her thoughts.

it will have to be my subtle interactions that get her to move in my direction.

This sounds like me the last week or so. You are (and I was) trying to control the outcome, trying to force the issue (too quickly), being impatient. You need to consider what your W really needs to "get right," IMO.

Well, what do you think?


I guess the only comment after all those fantastic observations is this, my W is so "non assertive" with me, if I had done nothing in terms of some of things above, we would be absolutely nowhere. Hard to explain, but she may be the most non-assertive person (removed) I have ever known.

Hope it helps,
Nomo

PS - You might also ask sandi2 to weigh in. She was a near WAW. Check her thread or her last post to Ruilkee (spelling?)