forever21's journey still continues.....

[forever21]

Mmhmmm... sure, HS. We all know it does. But, anyway... sounds like you've been doing good and enjoying life. The memories you're making with your girl are priceless.

I'm going to meet with the broker again tomorrow. I think I just need to jump in and take advantage of this opportunity. Simply taking action, taking the steps forward, is easing my anxiety tremendously. I don't have a lot to lose here, and this path seems to be what everything I've read says to do.... so, I'm goin' for it. I'm feeling more prepared to ask the questions I need answers to tomorrow, so that's a positive.

This is a huge life change for me. I've been excited for this, and look forward to having a career again and being financially independent. But, I felt some sadness and rejection earlier today also. I had a moment of this sadness yesterday too. I think the change is just really hitting me. Felt for a moment like I wasn't going to be able to experience life the way I used to... that I'll miss going camping with the dogs and my H in the middle of the week rather than on the weekends with the crowds. Realizing I may not even be able to get away on the weekends in the near future. Or take those 3-week vacations every year. Just stuff like that. It sounds silly, but I missed my old life for a moment even though it wasn't all that great. I know it was the hope I had back then for what it could be. I know I'm not getting to really enjoy all of that now either so time to move on. It's up to me to make my life what I want it to be. I can do it, I know I can. I just can't let the career run my life... I am the one responsible for running it.

Just talked with my H. I decided to answer after his 3rd attempt. The convo went fine. I think I handled it better than I have other times. Most importantly, I feel fine about it and it's not throwing me off. Seems as though he's just trying to keep me waiting. Nothing new. Told me he missed me, loved me, missed the dogs, etc. Said he just wanted to say hi. Asked how I was doing, I said good and asked the same of him... he said fine. He said the 16th is coming up (Monday is our anniversary). I just said yeah. He said it was gonna be a tough day. Oh please! I just said "Is it?" He asked about the dogs and how we were all doing with the heat. I called him out on not making a time to meet this week and told him I knew he might be nervous. He said it was just too hard for him emotionally right now. I told him I understand, been there... said there's no need to get together since that's the case, and don't need him to keep saying he's going to find a time. I asked for his address, where he gets his mail. He got angry and wanted to know if I was going to have him served there. I just said "I'm not saying that". The convo remained friendly with some effort. I asked if I could share something with him as a friend, and told him that after thinking about what he had to say when he called last week and from what I've found has worked for me, I think he needs to forgive himself but will find that hard to do until he stops being a jerk. That he deserves to truly start loving himself. This was a good convo, but I won't bore with more details. I think I was able to show that I take responsibility for myself and my part in our R problems while I shared this advice. He thanked me for that. Before we hung up he told me I looked really beautiful 13 years ago, and that I still do but just that he remembers I did (but he didn't say wedding day... hehe) and wanted to tell me that. I thanked him and told him I remember how handsome he was too. OK. He said (empty promise) he wanted to get together here soon... I said that'd be good sometime, I think it'd be good to be friends. What was I thinking on that one?

Sigh. It all seems a little crazy. Just shaking my head. It's nice not to feel anxious or have regrets after a convo with him. That is a huge step for me.