More direct eye contact. Included in day to day plans. Sharing and receiving of general feelings. More upbeat, positive attitude.
Negatives
Not allowed in the intimate arena of feelings. No expressing of R feelings.
Although I feel positive about what is going on, I don't feel that there is a resolve or commitment. I do however see improvement with time. The question I guess however is how much wait and see do I have in me. I think with the success I am feeling, my resolve is getting stronger. My overall outlook is better, but the fear of the door slamming behind me is always nagging at the back of my mind.
Compared to three years ago, yes, I am in a much better place. However, it like having a contractor that doesn't seem to be worried about finishing the job, you are at his mercy and no matter how good it might look, you still won't be happy with the final result. So, I will sit back and see what happens, be thankful for what I have accomplished and be glad I do have my W in a somewhat normal mode.
This is tough, I grew up in a family where we could talk and rely on each other. I thought I had married someone who I could sit and talk to and be happy with for the rest of my life. All though I did not rush into being married, in fact, I was very careful and thorough. The one thing I guess I did not look for or realize is, that some people can be in mode or attitude changes in their lives. Although they might be totally convinced that they are going down this new path, there is a chance that they might look back down this old path and revert somewhat.
I believe this is where I find my self and W. She has looked back at her life and has decided to consider some of the things that might bring back some of that life and sparkle. However, there is a reason some things are in the past. Perhaps, it needed to be gotten rid of before. Picking it up again doesn't make something better, just a lesson not fully learned.
With that said though, I would say W has learned that if she wants A, B and C, she can't get there through T. Perhaps this will help W find her resolve for marriage and bring her back, fully committed. I can hope for now.
I've been so busy lately that I don't think I'm getting enough sleep. Mix that with how the summer weather takes the energy out of you and needless to say I'm not dealing as well as I should. I better get back on my game. I'm looking forward to some days off, I need a break.
Take a break! take a mind vacation. It certainly will not do you any good to cop an attitude due to lack of sleep. Unfortunately that happens to me, but I am better at recognizing it and shutting it down sooner.
Quote:
no matter how good it might look, you still won't be happy with the final result.
If you played out alternatives to what you are doing to stay in the M, would that have results that you would be happier with? I think so often that it would be easier to let go but it's all the hurdles in between letting go and finally done that I can't get over.
Curious, how long did you and W date before marriage?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
To often where I fall in this trap is when I sit up late at night trying to figure out what to do. I'm the type of person who works things through in my mind trying to solve problems. Unfortunately this means when the mind is racing I don't go to sleep well. What have I learned from all this thinking? Marriage relationships take a ton of work, usually those who struggle with putting in the effort question if the relationship is worth it. My conclusion is that it's not a matter of finding a better R, but in figuring out where you are going to make a stand and then finally doing it.
The answer to the final "jeopardy" questions is 10 months. Why do you ask. I'll be glad to cover more details off the radar.
Hey Phoenix--is there anything you like to do that takes your mind off the problems? Maybe you just need a break from all the analyzing--tough to do, but necessary nonetheless.
I do try to do that most of the time. However, if something is not "on the bubble", it usually falls far down the pile till it's a problem. I have a hard time letting my M fall down the pile.
Had a great trip out of town with W. Interaction was good. W even told me thank you for taking her.
Sometimes shuffling the pile gives you a new fresh look at where the real work is to do.
No real reason for wanting to know how long you dated, just curious. H and I 'dated' for almost a year but much of it was long distance until he relocated.
Did you plan any romance on your trip? at least a hint of it?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
We'll here's where I think it all stands. W wants out of her problems without having to take full responsibility for them. In our society, if the H up and leaves he is figured to be scum and W deserves and is entitled to everything. No one but the H or W will ever know what really went on and of course they will play whatever suits their case.
Before W and I married, she came forward with most of the facts, somewhat out of lots of questions from me, some due to needing to have a good start on the M. I accepted things for what they were and figured she was turning her life around (for good) and all that stuff was history. Turn the pages in life past PA/EA and MLC questioning of life, trying to relive youth, but trying not to loose face with family/friends. So W feelings were, "this isn't going to work, however, I'm not going to give up anything, so you better leave". W personality type is "always right" and is irritated by those who "don't get the picture". So PhoenixSpark is not acceptable, ignores "the obvious" and is just in the way of "the rest of us" getting on with our lives.
So I have to live with the attitude of "well I guess we have to put up with you till you catch on". I know you can relate, so I hope you can understand why I'm here in piecing. So why do I even try? We'll, I do believe we started out with a pretty good M, however, as the problems have surface and life challenges have come along, I seem to be the brunt or scape goat. W works in a high paying environment and so she sees the flashy life style and can't see why she doesn't have it and why she has to face so many challenges in life. Can't be her, must be me.
Over the last few years, post bomb, we have been able to get to a better place, not where it should be, but better. For many reasons I have stayed, but there are days like today where my patience is thin. There are days when the kids and I just don't go for a drive and don't come back, but my better side surfaces and I stick it out. Oh yes, she didn't like it when I said I was not leaving w/o the kids. This doesn't fit into her "face-saving" plan. But her mode of operation now is lavish the kids with love and attention, then treat H as un-wanted house guest.
We dated for 10 months or so, saw each other every day, ate at least one meal a day together. W was friendly, sought after my company, however kind of wrestled with memories of old BFs in back of her mind. Finally, she decided that what I had to offer was the best, so she was ready to commit and actually start to pin me down on the issue. Did not want to be away from me over the summer (college). The point to all this is that even though I seemed like an unlikely H when we met, SHE CHOOSE ME and then put the squeeze on me. From my point of view she was not forced into the M, she felt she had made the right choice, things went well until she started falling back into old habits.
So, this is a long way to answer your question, did we date long enough? Yes. I don't think there was any way to detect if life changes made would stay permanent or not. Each one of us have made changes, fought long and hard, but not always win in the end at overcoming our demons. Should I have ruled her out because of having a past. I don't think so. Things seemed to be very much on their way to better times, she seemed very committed and very proud of where she was headed.
Where do I see things headed? If W can overcome her pride, face her covenants and responsibilities, I think we can come out of this better. I am not going to hold this over her head for the rest of her life. If she chooses to do the right things, we should have a good future together. My position however has not changed, if there has to be a parting of ways, she's going to have to take the rap for her own actions. I'm not doing this out of spite, just trying to do the right thing.
Well there's my vent for the week. Enjoy. Comments accepted and encouraged.
No advice, just support for you right now, Phoenix!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
