You asked me why her first marriage didn't work, and she has told me that the man was abusive and controlling. From the stories she has told me and from what I know of him, he was indeed. She always spoke of the marriage as if he was the fault of everything gone wrong though, and though I am certain he was what she said, she never told me what she felt she contributed to their problems. They were married for less than a year before she ran out on him and filed. She was very hateful towards him as was her family. She told me that due to a life-threatening health condition and her age at the time (21) she was vulnerable to making poor judgments, and she married him out of loneliness.
The interesting part is that I have always felt controlled by her and her emotional insecurities. She had a severe drinking prob the first couple of years we were together, where she would become verbally abusive and denied the problem as I tried to get her to stop. She ran to and from my love for her as she often accused me of being controlling when I would ask her to stop drinking. As time went on she began cutting me off in mid sentence and taking personal jabs at me anytime I disagreed with her about anything. She still does not let me finish my sentences as she butts in to make jabs or accuse me of controlling her or having the worst intentions, no matter how I approach the topic. She also warned me in the beginning of our R that she "ruins things". I have always told her I want her to learn how to compromise with me and find solutions, but she will usually insist that I am just trying to control her. Additionally, she usually will butt in and interrupt whatever I am saying to make her own case no matter how respectful my approach. She has never believed that she is fit to be a good partner to anyone, including me, and also suffers depression and has denied her Dr's diagnosis that she is bipolar. I can compliment her and thank her for weeks on end, but as soon as I want to discuss something that is bothering me, she becomes defensive and insists she isn't a good wife and shuts down all communication on the topic until she is ready-but she rarely is ready! We have seen two different counselors at her suggestion, only for her to reason that we should stop going because they were biased towards me and against her, now she insists I was the one who wanted to stop going. No matter what the issue, I have historically been the one who must wait on her, give her space and accept her verbal mud slingings as she justifies her reasons and insists that I never apologize. Yet, most often I am the first one to do so, and the best I get from her is an "explanation" of why she said or did what she did. She has a hard time accepting responsibility, no matter the topic or problem, while I pour my guts out in letters, emails and "make-up" talks".
