Thanks Sara. Yes I've read nearly half of D Busting at the bookstore, but purchased D Remedy as it seemed more fitting for the urgency of our sitch. Have read more than half the book already today, but I do realize that the process takes time and I will be going back through it and applying more methodically after I finish the first read tomorrow. The problem with us has always been that when we are "on" we are "on" like fire, but when we fight, we fight nasty, and the recovery gets harder and harder. I think it's a buildup of bad habits that formed with us early on as she was just leaving her first marriage when we met. She was dealing with guilt, and I grew impatient and resentful that our great relationship was plagued by past "baggage". We love each other like crazy, but we have been making each other crazy with all of the intensity and the aftermath that has built up from past arguments. Every argument starts with one of us going on the defense and the other jumping right into fight mode. Then we just keep going until one of us says something really nasty and we are shouting. She pins it all on me, and I have done the same to her, while we both claim the other is controlling. I think it's both of us and I have offered my apologies and acknowledged my role in things, but she has yet to be voluntarily accountable for her half of the arguments (shut downs, interruptions, put downs and eye rolling while I repeat myself until I am shouting it and threatening to walk out) She says she doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and that we will never get past the old hurts and move on to a better way of communication. I am determined that we will, as we are both very capable. The information I have read on this site and in the books is better than anything we learned from the two counselors we saw a couple of years ago.
Was thinking of buying her a copy of the book too, and asking her if she will consider holding off on the final decision until we have had a chance to read it and understand how to apply it, though it's more difficult with her staying away and not having been home since the day she left. Good idea or is that pushing? She said Monday she is seeing about an annulment though I doubt we are elible from the research I have done.
