Hi. I'm new here and have a W who is about to file...

We have been married just under one year. I am in my mid 30's, W is in her mid 20's. All total, we have been together for over 4 years (including 1 yr in M). Our R has been plagued by regular blowout arguments every week or two where one or both of us become verbally abusive or threatens to leave. There has not been a lack of love or willingness to try on either part, but we both know that our main problem has been a cycle of poor communication patterns where we both get frustrated until one of us blows. Usually it's me. She also lacks patience for conflict of any kind, which doesn't help.

Before we were married she was usually the one to threaten to walk out, and I would always take her back as we tried to work on our R. Since we have been married however, she has become more and more naggy and untrusting of my motives as I have slowly distanced myself from her and her accusations. As we have both wanted to just "get back on track" with our M over the past few months, we have also both put too much pressure on our success/failure and as a result I have lost my cool and my patience to the point where in the heat of a couple of different arguments I have screamed the D word in anger, though never meaning it, and always regretting it afterwards for hurting her and our M. I know now that that was a form of control. When we were married we agreed to never say it unless we meant it, and now three weeks ago I said it again in a temper tantrum and she immediately packed a bag and headed to a friend's house to stay. At first we were both very angry and she wouldn't speak to me unless it was to express anger. She quickly began to talk to friends and family and within days she told me that she was following through with a D since she had told me if I said it again, she would take me seriously and that's what I would receive. We tried to talk it out a couple of times at her suggestion, though she was distant and I was probably pushing too hard for her to return, which I think pushed her away. Our pattern of bickering, fighting and making up has been taking it's toll on her and I don't blame her for wanting to bail, and because I am the one who voiced it first, I know I hurt her very deeply, and she says that she can't believe we will ever make it through this mess, so it's best to end it, as we have done too much damage. We have always had an amazing amount of forgiveness and love for each other, though I fear this one time may have been too much for her.

She took her ring off about a week ago and the last time we spoke she said she is going to try for an annulment, which I am told will most likely not be granted as our M was legal and does not fit the legal criteria. She also says she doesn't want a D because she does not want to think of me as her ex-H, as it would be too painful for her. She has a meeting in three days for the A, and I fear she may opt for a D when she finds out the scoop.

Here is the clincher:
I have been reading D Remedy and applying the 180-just backing off and letting her think all is fine, and letting her do the contacting. It seems to be working as she made a comment to me that she heard a change in my voice. Maybe I over did it though as she said it sounded like I am "done" with the M. She also has grilled me a couple of times as to my whereabouts to see what I am up to.Yesterday we saw each other briefly as she asked me to bring some mail to her. She me asked for a hug and was looking at me like she is still in love with me. I flirted with her a little (maybe too much) but I think she got uncomfortable. That's when she told me about the A. That was the last thing she said and I made sure I left asap so that I didn't break down in front of her. Now today, she sent me an email to let me know that her phone was lost and she would be unavailable until she found it and she wished me a good weekend as I am going out of town on business for the day tomorrow. Would she do this if it was really over?

All of these mixed signals are hard to interpret and though I think she is serious, I also think she may be confused and unsure, and just blocking her feelings from the pain of me saying the D word. I want to tell her about the D Remedy, and try to buy some time to put it to use before she files. She knows I regret threatening the D, but I also think she may go through with it out of shear desperation. Before I threatened the D, she was very committed to our M and I know we wouldn't be here if I hadn't. On the other hand, our communication has been terrible and our fighting has taken it's toll on us both. She is my best friend and the love of my life, and I would do anything to save our M. I wish one of us had stumbled onto D Busting a long time ago before we got to this point! I want to slow down the momentum on her decision with the hopes that she will see we can put these principles to use together, and if not I will do them myself. Should I tell her of the book/method or just try convince her to wait on the D until we have thought it out a bit more? It's only been a few weeks and I am certain she is only thinking of the D to stop the fighting. D busting is such obvious good sense, I can't believe I didn't think of these principles sooner on my own! How can I convince her to delay this process without being too pushy? Should I tell her about the D Remedy to see if she is game, or just do it on my own? Should I call her to tell her about it? Help!