I came home tonite and S16 was not himself . I asked and he said I am OK. I asked if he had spent time with his mum and he said no been home alone all day, but she is coming for dinner. OK . I went and put on my new shirt etc , got the house looking good ,ZZ top (sharp dressed man ) going on the stereo ( real loud) and pumped up the PMA to full . Prepared dinner and W and D12 arive home .I turn down the music and carry on preparing dinner. I am wearing my new clothes that are a little bit more stylish than normal and W pretends not to notice until I ask " thats a new top you have on , looks good " A bit later she says got a new shirt ? I am thinking WTF ?? anyway I have a good beer buzz going and there is nothing going to shoot my PMA down. I ask W do you want to stay for dinner ? she says do you have enough? I say sure , knowing that she fully intended to stay. S16 goes to his room , hes feeling hurt by W and abandoned . I say to W if you want I will stay at your place for a couple of nights so you can spend time with the boys. She says whats the point they disappear when I am here anyway. I say nothing , they disapear because they are hurt and feel abandoned by her. After she left me and D and S16 watched a couple of movies. I then spent about 2 hrs talking with S16 . He does feel W has forgotten him as they were always close and is hurting big time. It was good bonding time and I asked him not to be critical of his mum its just something she needs to work through and that she loves him lots. W as I have said has no TV reception and it will cost about $600 to have a satellite dish and decoder installed , I have that money in an account and told her just to go ahead and get it done. She says it may not be worth it once i get my sh#t together. She thinking of coming home , I say no problem you can take it to whereever you move to. And then there is tears which she hides. She stays a while and then leaves. Call me what you will but she needs to fully understand where she is headed and I am not going to just open my arms and unconditionaly let her back . I may have a few weeks ago but not now. If she wants CK then shes got some work ahead of her. Dave
Dave, I feel really bad for your son. Have you mentioned to your W how this is affecting him and maybe she should try and talk to him? I know this has got to be tougher on the kids then it is on us. They just don't understand. And a mothers love is supposed to be unconditional. Take care of those kids Dave and take care of yourself. I don't think you should unconditionally let her back in but she is confused and could use your help. Maybe if you let her back in......then you could work on the issues. I've told my W why I thought our joint counseling was pointless. Because she has got to actually to decide to or want to be married and be a part of my life first, then in C we can work through our issues. Hang in there Dave....remember why were here.
First, I'm sorry about the R-strain btwn S16 & W. It's easy to say "That's not your problem. It's something W needs to work on w/S" but, of course, being loving, caring parents who hate to see our children hurt and confused, you are doing a great job of being there for him & supporting W's confusion as well. Since you can talk to W, tho, I would prolly keep her advised of the sitch (re: S) & your approach w/him & (maybe?) encourage some alone-time for them if W is reluctant/hurt and cannot/willnot be the first to step up (and, o/c, S - being 16 & so vulnerable) is not & should not be expected to be the strong one & do it. Just my thought as a mom.
Second, tho, I'm applauding your approach w/W re: the S & her comments about maybe/possibly/wondering if it would 'work' if she 'came back'. You are so much stronger than the C_K of Before, and she o/c sees this. I believe only a strong person can support a Proper M (the way it's SUPPOSED TO be) & your standing for that (as opposed to being willing to open your arms, forget all about 'it', and try to go on as before) not only shows your strength, but your willingness and desire to love W & have a M the way in which not only SHE - but YOU as well! - deserve.
Keep it up. j
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Oops, didn't mean "supporting W's confusion" like it reads! I meant being supportive of W while she's trying to figure out what she wants/needs & not talking 'against' her. Sorry.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
I think you are wise to take S16's feelings very seriously. I really think that there's often a tendency to focus on younger children in these sitchs; and being a teenager these days is hard enough as it is already.
Still -- I got what you meant from your earlier post, but it made me chuckle to think of the literal interpretation of your initial words!
L
P.S. And a big woo-woo on your new bod and new duds!! Great for the PMA!
Its morning now here and funny how things seem a bit clearer. Your comments Matt , j and L all make sense. I need to talk with W about S16 and more importantly get her to talk to him. It doesnt occur to W that she should go find and sit with him when he hides away and start talking. Quite honestly she is focussed on herself so much right now and last night i was angry at her for that ( not in person but later when I wrote that post ) . Time to put that anger away and work on whats best for S
Dave - you really do sound good, even your "angry" posts didn't sound so bad!
I'm glad you're keeping so positive in the face of all of this. And you're right, she's so focused on herself she's missing the signs from the kids - so they need you more than ever.
((Dave))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
No matter how this turns out, your actions seem to be exemplary and no-one can argue with that.
Don't understand why light hasn't gone off in W's head about S16, especially as they were so close. If it eventually does, either itself or you flicking the switch, I am sure a lot more positives will follow. Just hope they are not just about guilt.
Me 44 W 39 M 10yrs (together 13 years) one D 8 ILYBINILWY Feb 2007 Separated - 5th September 07
Will get there in the end. Will get there in the end 2.
Thank you everyone once again for your thoughts and kind support.
I think I have reached another stage of detachment. It comes after a good weekend of GAL'ing and spending time with the Kids.
I will get to that shortly.
First up Saturday , W's going to take D minigolfing and this is an activity S16 realy enjoys. I ask him if hes going and he says " I wasnt invited ". I said go get yourself ready and told W when she turned up he wanted to go along. Told her hes feeling rejected, to which I get the answer " its not my fault , he should tell me when he wants to come along" . Anyhow they must have had some talk and S stayed Sat nite with W. I went out for a ride with a friend and we had a good boys afternoon which included a stop at classic motorcycle club for a couple of beers , A good day. I get home and everyone is there , D is very quiet , W says shes in a bad mood. Anyhow I said to D , want to come with me to get a DVD and some takeaways , D couldnt get to the car fast enough and was all happy again , so I am thinking shes not happy with W. Later that evening I spoke with D and it was because W had yelled at her when they were out. I listened and told her its OK to feel bad about that , and also told her that W was probably tired and still loves her. W realy annoys me in that she will loose her cool at the kids and then give them the silent treatment. I loose my cool to at times , but I always sit down later and tell them I am sorry and talk about the behaviour that led to them being told off. Anyway Sunday arives and I organise S16 to look after D for a couple of hrs and head for lunch .I get home and W had been by and taken D to movies. I did housework and listened to music and they got home later.
I have very quickly got used to not having W around and even more surprisingly do not mind it. I should feel bad about this but I dont. W realy started to properly distance herself a year ago now and its been a very hard year as I have tried to make sense of what is going on and hold the family together. I had been hanging on to a memory of how she was and it was once she left I realy figured that out. She never fully invested back in our R since her first A and I see that clearly now. I am not blameless but I was fully committed to making it work but can see now that unless she was as well it was never going to work in the end.
Where to from here , I am taking one day at a time but am moving ahead with life , I would still love to have a life with my W but it will take a lot of work and a decision from her that thats what she wants. I do not want her back here on the basis that she will consider it. I can't wait for that conversation if it ever comes. W " I want to come home" CK " what if I dont want you to come home ? "
