changes in attitudes, changes in latitudes

[Nomopo]

Hi T!

Read this thread. I love your energy! You sound like an up person to me. Good help from Matt, Trip and CVA too. If I may, a few thoughts:

1. Love the new GAL ideas - do it!

2. Love the name change too.

3. I am so glad you are not sticking with a C you are happy with. I hope the C appt on 7/19 goes well. Why did it take so long to get in? If H doesn't want to go, that may not be all bad. Just tell C that your hope is that it will be couples counseling, but you don't know. Then you can tell him/her very honestly about your sitch, your DBing efforts, etc. And you can tell him/her about your desire for goal-oriented, solutions-based, pro-M counseling. Use Michele's advice on "Choosing a Merital Therapist" to interview him or her. I'd specifically ask him or her about training for couples counseling. A lot of traditional therapists don't have this training, but they try to counsel couples. It's much better if they have some training (eg, with Db, IMAGO, and other approaches/schools of thought, etc.) Finally, if H won't go the first time, maybe you can get him in later after you report back that it is good. You may have to present it as we need to improve our communication so we can be the best (co-)parents possible.

If he really resists, you may not be able to get him to go at all. If it looks like that, on elast ditch effort is to ask him to see the new C so the new C gets his story so he or she can help you because you are going to continue with IC. That can help even if he only goes once, because your C will have his take on things. And, he might like the C (my W did!), and then might end up going.

4. You talked about intimacy and temper being your issues. I know you are reading SSM. Great! Don't push it on him reading it. As for the temper, where are you in analyzing, addressing, dealing with that one. That sounds like something the DB ideas are tailored made to help with!

5. You said: "He's a true procrastinator in most areas- hey, maybe that's why he's still living here!" Could be. Time is your friend!

6. He doesn't want to go on the vacation, he doesn't want to see your family, no birthday plans, no JC - I now it hurts, but he is telling you he needs time and space. It is so hard to give it to him, but you have to. This will take much longer than you want. You have to develop the patience needed. This very hard for me too. We have to do it! We can do it! We will do it!

Following-up on our LL discussion on my thread, I would go very slowly. I think I need to pull back too. We want so bad to fix things, but it's not gonna happen overnight. We need to slow down. It's like hostage/terrorist scenario Sunny described on my thread. Did you see that?

7. You also wrote: "Maybe I can fix something in myself that has led him to use gambling as an outlet?" I'm not sure about that. But you can become the best you for you! You can be the person you want to be. Have you identified what she looks like? Most likely, that is also the person he fell in love with and/or the one he will want to be with.

N_A, I hope that helps. You sound like you are doing well. Keep it up, and keep posting.

Nomo