Living with my WAW 3

[C_K]

SD

I dont know much about Deida's stuff , However you are doing well. There is no right or wrong to DB'ing . Its about trying new approaches and evaluating the reactions. The trick is to give them some time to work.

Dave

[Nomopo]

SD - caught up on your weekend. Good stuff and good journaling.

At some point, I am just going to have to put down an ultimatum, but for now I am sticking with the Do Nothing strategy where our R is concerned and focusing on living my life as best I can.

When do you think you will have to do that? What do you think your timing is? I'm concerned if you don't think about it now and set a draft timeline anyway, you may find yourself at some (emotional) point thinking "ah ha, this would be a good time."

Therefore, one of my goals is to just state what I am doing and let anyone who wants to join do so!

Love this. You've mentioned it before.

I agreed with Dave initially about the R talk, but you explained your thinking in a logical way and it's your show.

I also like all of your 180s mixed in with the Do Nothing strategy, although rather than full 180s they may fall under the category of Do Something Different. I wouldn't say the show of affection is a full on 180, but rather an experiement of doing something different. May be semantics.

Just being an open, unwaivering, fearless, loving soul

I like this. Have you been loving so far? Seems like your do nothing is more indifferent than loving, but I realize you are contemplating a change.

That's it! Keep it up! I like your search for solutions much better than the 100% Do Nothing. Your W doesn't strike me a s capable of stepping up like the Do Nothing is designed to encourage/foster.

Nomopo

[SuperDad]

MoPo,
Thanks for the feedback. It is always very useful and makes me think. I will definitely think more about any possible future ultimatum. I may also look at just increasing the level of control that I take over the sitch slowly over time (esp. where decision making about finances, etc. is concerned).

Just being an open, unwaivering, fearless, loving soul

I like this. Have you been loving so far? Seems like your do nothing is more indifferent than loving, but I realize you are contemplating a change.

Yup...Up to now, I have not really made any effort to show romantic love towards her as I did not want to be seen as pursuing/needy. This was necessary when I was in the post-bomb shock, but now that I am feeling confident and detached, I think I am ready to start experimenting, esp. Re: her LL. Theoden had recommended some of this earlier on, but I was just not ready for it.

That's it! Keep it up! I like your search for solutions much better than the 100% Do Nothing. Your W doesn't strike me a s capable of stepping up like the Do Nothing is designed to encourage/foster.

I agree, I think that her tendency towards depression fosters a general malaise which has gotten in the way of her setting any kinds of long term goals for herself. It has also resulted in a lot of criticism directed towards me and anything I try to do. I of course did a lot of things that only made this worse, like trying to get her to discuss options and collaboratively make decisions. She obviously was looking for someone to take charge and bring focus to her life and I was not that person. I am not sure exactly what to do with that insight, but I am going to keep it light and bright for a while and then see where that takes us!

SD

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
The past few days have been mostly GAL and not too much interaction with W. Our limited interactions have been mostly business about the trip. She has also been working out more which is good in one sense, but also related to her wanting to look good when she sees friends, family, and yes OM on the trip.

I have been reading again from Deida and Brehony "Awakening at Midlife" and really need to rethink my goals at this point. I hope to make some progress on this during my trip as I will have more time to think than when I am at home.

It seems that I am vacillating between

A. wanting to just be and Do Nothing

B. wanting to push W into some action (IC for her?, her get a job, her move out, ANYTHING!!).

C. wanting to take dramatic action on my own (close joint accounts and take over all family finances, buy myself a new car, refi the house and do major renovations)

I am sure that A. is the right answer to meet my original goals. The question is: Are these still my goals?

Next journal should be interesting if I can figure out the answer to this question!!!

SD

[C_K]

SD

Good post , resetting our Goals is important as we progress through this time.
One thing I am becoming more convinced of is that to get our S's back is one thing but to get a committed S back is another.
That is my new Goal , I dont want my W back if she is the same as before , I want her back if she is willing to put in the real effort needed to rebuild our M.

Dave

[SuperDad]

Dave,

That is my new Goal , I dont want my W back if she is the same as before , I want her back if she is willing to put in the real effort needed to rebuild our M.

I completely agree, in fact this was my subtle message to her in our last convo when I said that I want to have it all! If our Ws are not willing to open up and intimately share their whole life with their Hs, why would we want to be a part of this R?

What I can't fathom is that I spent so long in such an incomplete R and that she was the one to drop the bomb!!

I know I would love the chance to work on having this kind of relationship with my W, but I am not going to go back to the way it was...not now, not ever!

SD

[NDDT]

I know I would love the chance to work on having this kind of relationship with my W, but I am not going to go back to the way it was...not now, not ever!



Yup.......I like that. Sums it up for me too. Things could be so good with both parties working at it. Thanks.

[cliffy]

SD, I think this is a great realization and is my sentiment exactly. I got a glimpse of a new R this past weekend and liked what I saw, unfortunately we have gone back into the holding pattern.
I will not settle for the way things were, just a new M.

[theoden]

SD,

I've been following this thread and looking at your wife's reactions.

She's clearly depressed, in MLC and, I think a lost soul. I literally mean lost -- completely adrift.

She's afraid to be on her own, yet feels trapped. She wants you to support her as a full-time mother, yet she wants the right to opt out of the marriage part of your family life. She wants, for the time-being, a DEAD marriage until something in her life hits her over the head. She's waiting, perhaps, for some OM to rescue. I think cancer-man (pardon my french) is not likely to prove to be the rescuer. She might find someone else. She's not progressing.

I think, she'll respond to your leadership. As long as your appear to be living a fun, full life -- she might, indeed want "in" on it. Her life seems like a stagnant swamp right now.

You seem to be detaching better, getting more clarity about your life. Hence I think she'll be drawn towards you.

Options A, B, and C all have merit. Are there babysteps in B or C?

As Frank_D might say, you are her only life-line. You are a her rock, her compass. Perhaps that might offer you compassion for someone who is very confused.

I think your confidence and courage and power is growing in the marriage. You have taken all your power back. It seems you hold all the cards.

--Theoden

[stillme]

SD, foregive me if I've forgotten that this was already discussed, but yo ARE GALing, no? You ARE acting (BE-ing) the Man W Would Be A Fool To Want To Leave, right? You are doing things that may entice W to re-enter the Fun World of SD? . . . Whatcha' got going on in that dept.?