First timer Ugh!

[built4speed]

So, you haven't posted much so this is a bit of a shot in the dark, but basically the way DB works it you strike out on your own and improve yourself to the point that the WAH is so compelled by the new you that he comes back on his own. Several things work against this, namely pursuing and being "around" all the time. So that is why Michelle has certain topics in her book.

So it is a multi-pronged attack. First, goals: and the goals are for you, not necessarily for the M, because, you might not ever get a chance to have your marriage back (I didn't - she just checked out and never came back). So the goals are for you: what do you want to accomplish? Write a book? Improve your career? Learn to fix the things you did wrong in the M? Spend some time figuring out what they should be for you. You can put some in for the marriage, but remember, it will come around on his timeframe not yours.

Next, GAL. If you are having so much fun that he wants to spend time with you, good. But again, you need to do things that YOU think are fun, not things you think he might think are fun. This time is really all about you, not him, not the M. So, figure out what you would like to be doing, and if he decides to join you, it's a bonus.

Next, detachment. If you are obsessed about what he's doing, what he's thinking, who he's with, that is putting the focus in the wrong place. Again, it's about you. So the suggestion to slow down the calls is a good one, but you need to understand why. If you are ALWAYS there/availabe, no desire to see you will grow in him. And it makes you too much in the M and not in your stuff. So, it's not to punish him, it's to help you get centered in your stuff and not be so distracted by the M stuff. Plus, the side benefit is that is makes him wonder what you are doing. And for virtually all WAs I've heard about they ALWAYS second guess this decision, even if they say they are TOTALLY done. Mine has probably reverted back to wanting to be with me a dozen times. But she would always back away after that decision, but the problem is her, not me.

Finally, really figure out what you did wrong and fix it. Get a C, support group, read, go to seminars, etc. Again, this is for you. If he decides that you've fixed the problem sufficiently, good. If not, the next guy gets the improved you.

You asked how they will notice the improvement if you are never together. It's easy. Think how subtle a difference in him you can detect. Right, you can tell many, many things about him in a few seconds. So when you are together he will notice. The other huge one is that word gets around. Even if you are not exactly in the same circles, it still gets around. One of his friends will see you at the health club and he will hear about it. Or his family members will see you somewhere. Just think, if you went out to a restaurant with a guy, how long do think it would take until your phone was ringing? Not long.

Last thing, remember to ask for what you need from him (Once you are back together safely again - this is NOT a DB technique). If you want his to go out with the guys less, say so. He can't improve if he doesn't get the feedback. Then if he decides not to, at least it's not your fault. Remember, unconditional love looks a lot like indifference.

So, read the books, do the program, and hope (and pray if that helps you). If it doesn't work, there are plenty of us guys that will be ready to go when you are!