As someone who just found a rather incriminating letter from another W to my H which he vehimently denies holds any truth I would like to just say that I too have been acting like your wife. Seeming fine one day then back to questions, questions, questions the next. It is because you talk about it and your partner answers your questions and you feel a little better, then, when you're on your own you run through the answers in your head and think of ifs and buts and then have a load more questions you want answering. I'm told it stops eventually. Be patient is all I can say and keep answering her questions.
Please be patient with your wife and answer all of her questions truthfully. Believe me she is in a lot of pain. She is lucky that you are being a man and showing remorse. My H cheated and he apparently has no remorse. He filed for D after 8 months.
Best Wishes to You, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Hummmm.... I suggest you try to figure out why you did it and what would allow you to go there again. You might need to go into therapy with someone who is very experienced with this sort of thing.
In the meantime it may help to read some books and try to learn about yourself, weaknesses you may have and what you can do to build better character and a stronger moral compass.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
So Sunday was our one year anniversary. We took a trip to Phily that we had planned. She said she was willing to forget about our problems for the weekend because it was our anniversary. We were also intimate on the trip....I am so confused as to how she can turn it on and off like that. Now that we are home, things are back to normal. I am going to see a phsycologist on Wed, but she now sais that she doesn't want things to work out with us. I don't know if this is true or just a reaction from being so hurt.
I have started seeing a therapist. After each session, my wife wants to know what we talked about, so I tell her. So far we are trying to get to the root of why I felt I had no other choice but to lie. All my wife cares about is that I cheated...bottom line. The more her and I tal abou it, the angrier she gets. Then she starts making assumtions and putting words in my mouth. Needless to say the conversations go nowhere. I have suggested she talk to the thearapist too, but she refuses. She says I am the one with the problem, not her. I disagree though, She DOES have a problem, one that I caused. Will her and I ever be able talk about this, or does a third party have to mediate? All she talks about now is divorce, without giving theapy a chance.
Here's the problem. When you talk to your counselor, you are trying to find the reasons for your behavior. When you relate this to your W, it sounds like excuses. You and your IC will likely put some of the blame on your W, because EVERY relationship has two people in it and no one is perfect. Your W is not ready to hear this at all.
Tell W that you recognize that you are the one with the problem, but it would help IC if W would come and tell her side directly. Agree with W that she is not the problem. But that YOU BOTH have a problem with your behavior, and you BOTH need to see the counselor in order to fix it.
If she tells you that this is NOT HER PROBLEM, and refuses to help, then STOP telling W what goes on in IC.
"You said this was for me and IC to fix. So it is between me and IC and you don't need to hear it. If you need to hear what goes on in my session, then you are welcome to come along."
More thoughts on this. What if you said this to your W?
"W, I am doing what I can to make things better. I know what I did was wrong. I have apologized, and I am seeing a therapist. If there is something more that I can do, any way at all that I can make things better, please tell me."
Wait for her to make any constructive suggestion. Most likely she will complain more about you ruining the marriage and talking about divorce. At times you might have to say, "Let me clarify this. Are you saying that you would like me to (move out/file for D/ eat sh!t and die)?" Write down every suggestion on a pad of paper.
When she has exhausted her suggestions, then ask her what SHE is willing to do to help the situation. She will say "I don't have to do anything, I'm not the one with the problem." Then you need to ask her very specific questions. Write it down as you go:
"Are you willing to continue to live together while I am working on this?"
"How long, assuming I am making progress?"
"Are you willing to spend time/go out on dates with me?"
"Will you meet with my counselor, ONE TIME, to tell your side of the story?"
I'm assuming she will say yes to at least the first question. If she doesn't, then I would suggest that you ask her to talk to a lawyer and find out what her options are.
Say she does end up filing for divorce. I don't have to sign anything if I am trying to work it out. What happens then id one party won't sign? Does the marriage still go on forever?
How can I get my wife to stop trying to see what i saw on the internet? She wants to see the women I have seen on there and chatted with. She spends all day, every day on the computer now. I can't see how anything can get better if this continues. I have confessed to everything, there is nothing more she can find out.
