#1129402 - 07/11/07 07:28 AM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: mrs.cac4] Fearless If you ever watch women when they get together, they don't "do", they "talk". Talking tends to be very emotion oriented, they are either doing something emotional like expressing their feelings, or they are talking about expressing their emotions. They ARE directly getting in touch with their emotions.
And men are charged with doing.
I remember post of men that had WAW's and the one thing that stands out in my mind was almost everyone that was giving advice, told the LBH "to do" and not talk.
So women need men to speak to them WITH WORDS! We all know that better communication is needed in marriage, but for women, this means the men must speak to her in HER language, and that is through words, not only action. And the PRIMARY means of doing this is through talking and showing emotion, and it will ALWAYS be that way.
I guess I am still lost on the words vs actions. I know words and actions are needed to sustain a R.
I find myself doing the words thing but if I give my opinion to BB and it isn't congruent with her opinion, I can sense the disconnect. This is why I think it might be better for some men to not say too much sometimes.
Hairdog #1129765 - 07/11/07 11:32 AM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: Corri] She (Ms. HD)is, however, not one of my "safe persons." I identified three safe persons and, beside my therapist, I intend to talk to one of my long-time friends, and reserve the third spot for either this forum, or perhaps the online forum at Glover's website. HD, how did you determine who was safe? I would be concerned about burdening/disclosing too much/sound like I was dumping on some of my friends.
Corri #1130101 - 07/11/07 03:02 PM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: cemar2] The Lord helps those who help themselves. I think that is practical advice rather than scriptural. To me it means do some of your own work, don’t wait for others to do work for you. To me it boils down to actions, not words
Fearless #1130175 - 07/11/07 04:04 PM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: cemar2] Also let me ask these questions: 1) Are BOTH men's and women's needs equally important in a relationship? YES [/b]2) For a marriage to be on solid ground BOTH partners need to be getting their needs met and meeting the others needs? [/b] OH, both meeting the others needs? One needs very little and the other has a long list. Then what? I do agree, both spouse should have the basic needs met. 3) Do you believe that these needs need to be completely and fully met for each other at ALL times? NO, so that sort of answers my question on point #3 4) Do you know what your wife's communication needs are? If so, how do you know her needs – did she tell you or have you assumed? Why stop at communication needs? BB thinks she needs lots of things I don’t see as needs. We have had discussion after discussion about her needs and my needs. My sexual needs, she tells me she will never get there and I have to be satisfied with what she can put in a donation basket.
Mrs. Nop #1130194 - 07/11/07 04:24 PM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: stu] "I'll go along with her on this and next time she'll see what a good guy I was and will _____ for me." But that's not going to even register on her radar. Meek requests, pouting, whining, sighing deeply from the other room - will probably just irritate her. It will certainly not produce a sudden desire in her to do what you want. She isn't operating from your standard of "the right thing to do".
You can see how this can go horribly wrong.
She isn't operating from your standard of "the right thing to do".
Good description of what I think and what happens.
Fearless #1130742 - Yesterday at 06:27 AM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: DIY] this very same woman has been asking this man to fix the creaking door in their house. He does not because he does not think it is important, is busy, etc. BTDT. I didn’t consider BB 5LL priorities.
Corri #1130874 - Yesterday at 08:39 AM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: fearless] in one way, she (~Mrs Cemar) sounds a bit like Lou's wife And Mrs. Choc. BB likes to be chased, paid attention to, be the center of attraction, but in comes the 60/40 or 70/30 rule fearless had in one of her posts. I feel like I do the 70/80 part to to have my 30/20 needs met. (By the way an interesting article Raven sent me from MSN has married couples telling the secret to good marriages. One man married happily for 42 years said that he and his wife were told when they got married that EACH should give 60% and take 40%.
Nice guy, giver or taker, talking each other’s 5LL, what ever one will labels it, something is off.
Chrom #1130835 - Yesterday at 08:10 AM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: fearless] "just take care of him every now and then and he'll leave you alone" Add in all guys want is warm Pu$$y, bigger boobs, and all those other convenient scape-goats, I want to know how to get past all of that extra fog/garbage?
Hairdog Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: MrsNOP] The funny thing is, the agreement doesn't exist in the mind of the significant other (SO), or, as you said, "that's not going to even register on her radar." Meanwhile, the resentment builds in the NG because the SO is breaking the covert contract. Very good post, the whole thing.
I am guilty of these covert contracts as well. I have done many of the same things. I wish my library had the book and audio materials.
Cemar2 #1131828 - Yesterday at 09:27 PM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: cac4] cac4:
supposedly most men would just be happy with a willing and able partner That is one very dangerous comment, it is why explaining a SSM is so very hard. This implies that sex is just a physical act, that no bonding or emotional connections are being made. If this is true, then the husband should be able to have sex with ANYONE that is willing, and the wife should actually ENCOURAGE this, afterall, it is just an activity between two people. Cemar2, you are making sense here.
Mojo #1131896 - Yesterday at 10:32 PM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: hairdog] So when a HDW like me interacts with a "nice guy" what frequently happens is I convert a "nice guy" into a low-rent "bad boy" and it is not a pretty thing to behold. That is why I say that I would rather be with a guy who will initially play me straight-up monkey If I only knew how and if BB also liked that approach, I had the skills to carry it out, not only for me but for other men and women.
MoJo’s new book? Monkey 101? :0
Fearless #1132035 - Today at 06:28 AM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: cemar2] I also don't believe in having friendships/relationships with "overt" contracts. That's why I did not care for Lou's use of the idea of a "raincheck" for sex. It's a personal thing but I just don't like the idea of reducing sex to something that I "owe" my partner. Fearless, my idea of rainchecks???? I believe someone else was talking about if a spouse was frequently turned down/put off, the lower drive spouse might offer a different time when sex was better for them.
What I have been working with is a W that thinks/says guys want sex 3X a day, men are pigs, men create 98% of the evil things to happen, most guys just want a warm pu$$y, after a certain age sex should be over, sex isn’t necessary and is unpleasant if the temperature is above 80f or below 30f outside. In other words, no sex unless most things are perfect physically and emotionally, which leaves a couple of months a year.
Mojo #1132048 - Today at 06:44 AM Re: Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy! [Re: cemar2] My point is that the man who acts nice in order to get sex sometimes won't act nice if he can get sex without the nice behavior. The man who knows that nice behavior isn't what will get him really hot sex is free to act nice for other reasons. So a woman as HD as me has to have boundaries that basically honestly state "Nice behavior isn't what turns me on but not-nice behavior will send me out of f*cking distance from you." Sounds appropriate for a HD woman. What works for a LD woman?
Guess I have to change the NG traits I have and see what happens.
