Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

Journaling
I have no idea when he actually got home last night; in fact, when I got up, I assumed that he wasn't here and it wasn't until I saw his shoes that I checked the garage for his car.

I went to wake him up (consists of me telling him what time it is) and he rolled over and said "I had to work really late last night; wake me back up at 10am". (I had forgotten that last night was Thursday when he has to work til all hours.)

I felt so relieved. I was relieved that he came home and that he wasn't out partying. That he wasn't at some woman's house that he "connected" with. I was happy that he provided me the info of where he was. I was thrilled to see his face.

There have been moments since this all "went down" that I think, I will be more than fine without him. I don't need his morose, mopey self around. I can move on and find someone that REALLY loves me. It's all his loss. But then, I realize (such as this morning) I am just fooling myself. I am not really in that mental space yet. I wish I were sufficiently detached, but I'm not.

I finally finished the book Uncoupling (I had just a couple more chapters to go last night when I posted) and the author does talk about reconciliation (thank goodness!). Basically, she says what we all know -if both people grow and change during this time, then there is a good chance the reconcilation can work. If the work hasn't been done, old patterns will emerge and there will be another split.

I am not looking forward to the weekend. Now that I no longer make dinner for him, there is no reason for him to come home. And given that last Saturday he stayed gone all night; ....well, I guess the one thing I can hope is that he gets worn out from partying.

Too bad there is no magic pill for detaching.

Mkultra- thanks for the advice. I will do my best to leave him be.
jmegator-I understand what you are talking about. I pray for my H all the time.

I pointed out that she can be free to live her own life within our R, that through this crisis I have rediscovered my friends and my interests and want to pursue them. I am doing things that I never would have done before and am tackling these issues through my own counseling. That I am fed up of holding myself back. That I have realised I have complete faith and confidence in myself and that I can and will do anything I want. I am breaking free.

MaxP-
I can sooooo totally relate to this statement. I am needing to find the place where what growth I do is not primarily to "impress" my H. I do not want to make these changes and then abandon them if my H doesn't come back. Actually, anything I do wont be *primarily* to impress him; BUT he does come to mind when I think of new adventures. ie "J would be so surprised if I did XYZ. J would be happy if I started __fill in the blank__" Naturally I follow the thought with how I would get to learn something new, etc, but he is still influencing my decisions and that sort of bugs me.

Maybe someone has sage advice for me on this one:
He had mentioned that he felt like he could pretty much get away with anything and I would always be here because I love him so much. I think that he has complete confidence that he can go out, have his freedom and party it up and then if he changes his mind, I'll just be waiting for him. (Not his fault he thinks that, I gave him that impression.) When I was saying to him "Look, I agree you need your freedom so that you can choose me. And I am confident you are going to be back." and then I added something to the effect of "if I'm still available" and he sorta chuckled and shook his head. When I asked what was so funny he said "just that you said that." I think he took what I said as sabre rattling and nothing more. I believe that as long as I continue to wear my ring, I am also promoting that impression. I do NOT want to force us into getting a divorce right this second, just so he can go and have sex with women. And, as much as it hurts, I think that it might have to happen for him to work thru his part of the process. He is taking this separation to mean we are not together. (Kinda reminds me of Ross and Rachel on friends "We were on a BREAK") If he is taking it to mean we aren't together, shouldn't I exhibit the same thing?

I am irritated that he can say such things to me and then feel so sure that I would be waiting for him. Bottom line-how do I stand by the marriage without having him be so flipping cocky? Is there a way to do that?