My mother called a bit ago. Seems W and my D's are meeting mom for lunch. That is strange. W has stayed way away from my mother during the last 9 months or so. My mother called just to ask what was up? Why does W want to hang out with her now?
Don't know, I would have no idea, even remotely what brought this on. Other than maybe it's an olive branch to mom, letting her know that even after the D, W will still make sure my mother is involved in the kids life? God only knows.
Well if it were me I'd kindly but firmly tell my wife that I don't want a divorce therefore I'm not going to make it happen or pay for it. If that's what she wants, then she needs to get a job and earn the money to do it herself, and that you'll comply legally when the time comes, but that in the meantime she can help get the bills caught up and don't put any further hardships on the kids.
In other words, be a leader in acting responsibly and rationally, not emotionally. But you have got to detach and put NO PRESSURE on her at all. Make living with you a joy instead of a burden. Be a great father and husband in everything while backing off the interpersonal stuff enough to make her comfortable. Spend time together as a family but don't manipulate or press her for alone time between you two.
That is exactly what I did. Divorce can wait, financials need to be handled now. She can sleep on the couch or some other room in the house.
I still fluctuate between wanting to walk away and wanting to save things.
I think my center most feeling is to focus on the kids and finances as suggested. Keep being there for my kids, and really focus on getting the financial issues squared away, using Dave Ramsey's plan. Really working hard at that and just totally detaching from her and her issues.
W was online yesterday when I got home, looking for tickets for her trip up to see OW in August. Wonder where the money will come from? If asked, and W isn't working, I will suggest that OW pay the freight.
Last night S14 had friends over for a PS2 night. S14 said I could sleep in his room so they could have the den; big screen. LOL. No problem, actually felt great to sleep in a bed. D10 and 6 were getting set up to watch a DVD with W in our room. I was making my bed in S14's room. Girls came in, asking lots of questions, re; why don't you sleep in your bed any more? etc. I told D10 I was going to watch something else in here, as they were watching a girly movie with mom. D10 and 6 laughed. Then hopped onto the bed with me and hung out for a while. We were laughing and really having a great time. For a minute I thought how awesome this would be, no W drama, no issues, just hanging with my children. W came in, told me she was ready to start DVD in our room. I carried the girls to our bed and kissed them goodnight. W asked what I was doing, D10 spoke up and said dad doesn't want to watch a girly movie, D10 and 6 started cracking up again, for some reason this was really making them laugh.
Of course W takes this as some negative, shakes her head and says whatever. I ignored her reaction, told the kids goodnight, told W I was going to try to watch Ghost Rider one more time, (I fell asleep, movie totally sucks), saying it in as upbeat a manner as I could without coming off as a late night infomercial.
After I got in bed I thought about the questions from both D10 and 6 regarding where and why I'm sleeping at night. I'm proud of myself for not saying anything to W about that. I really wanted to mention this to her. Yet was able to just let it go. It would only be to manipulate/guilt her into something. Trying to get her to see how difficult this is on them, particularly after seeing everything starting to normalize, now back to this. It's a rollercoaster for them as well.
Tunes are cranking, this is on right now. I really like this song.
U2 - Beautiful Day
The heart is a bloom Shoots up through the stony ground There's no room No space to rent in this town
You're out of luck And the reason that you had to care The traffic is stuck And you're not moving anywhere
You thought you'd found a friend To take you out of this place Someone you could lend a hand In return for grace
It's a beautiful day Sky falls, you feel like It's a beautiful day Don't let it get away
You're on the road But you've got no destination You're in the mud In the maze of her imagination
You love this town Even if that doesn't ring true You've been all over And it's been all over you
It's a beautiful day Don't let it get away It's a beautiful day
Touch me Take me to that other place Teach me I know I'm not a hopeless case
See the world in green and blue See China right in front of you See the canyons broken by cloud See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out See the Bedouin fires at night See the oil fields at first light And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth After the flood all the colors came out
It was a beautiful day Don't let it get away Beautiful day
Touch me Take me to that other place Reach me I know I'm not a hopeless case
What you don't have you don't need it now What you don't know you can feel it somehow What you don't have you don't need it now Don't need it now Was a beautiful day
tyler...I agree with frank_D....I am arriving at a similar place right now. I'm beginning to see that there may have to be a decision to stand firm yet still not push her out the door. I also stand with frank_D on the issue of not tolerating this OW PA stuff. I've told my W in no uncertain terms that if another EA/PA starts during this period, it is an "immediate dealbreaker".
Tyler, remember these:
Originally Posted By: N.U.T.S.
I do not sell out who I am to placate others.
Originally Posted By: N.U.T.S.
Some men learn that no matter how hard they try, their wives cannot or will not participate in improving the relationship, whether it's forgiving their men, seeking out individual counseling or following through on suggestions received in marriage therapy. Sometimes, the right choice is to end the relationship.
But, if leaving is the decision, is it critical for me to know that they had done their absolute best; that they had succeeded in making personal changes and can honestly say that they had been the men they wanted to be in their relationships. This can be a very difficult task.
Originally Posted By: N.U.T.S.
WARNING! Your children are watching your every move. Their beliefs and futures are being molded by the choices you make. Your sons will grow up to be men like you. Your duaghters will marry men like you. That's why, as a father, being the man you want to be is the most important legacy you will leave to your children.
We were both in the 'Inspirational Column' at one point tyler. Just stop everything you are doing.....think....N.U.T.S. even says to 'take a time out'.
Do NOT tolerate the OW. I would not. Set your boundaries. I agree...don't permit her to do things in front of you or the kids.
Tyler...you really have fought the good fight. Know this. This entire site would NOT have put you up in that column unless you had done right.
This is NOT about you tyler. I support you. Just keep strong. Be the man you want to be.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You're doing right, bro, and I know how hard it can be but you do indeed need to keep going in the right direction. No matter what happens, that will insure that you have done all you can to make things as good as they can possibly be. It's going to be important to you and your kids (and maybe even your wife) down the road.
I really don't mean to pick apart your words but I just wanted to throw a caution to you about this:
Quote:
I still fluctuate between wanting to walk away and wanting to save things.
Dude, I still feel that way occasionally now even though things are pretty good. When I start thinking that way it's a red flag for me to snap my eyes back on what's right and do it.
Quote:
I think my center most feeling is to focus on the kids and finances as suggested.
That's good. Remember, your thoughts need to guide your actions whether you feel like it or not. That's the tough part. Especially on those days when you're feeling pretty lousy. Lord knows I've endured a few of them myself. And I often handled things completely wrong in the sense that I let my feelings (good or bad) drive my decision making.
Cause there's the thing, and this is true for your wife and everyone as well: Love isn't the only thing that's a decision...everything is a decision, and it's usually a choice to follow what feels good RIGHT NOW, or the path of least resistance right now, or something else.
I feel for you, bro. I know what it's like to have to try and really focus while your world is spinning, yours and your kids' future seems to be in someone else's hands, and you have to protect your kids from the truth about your spouse...and, ultimately, you're protecting your spouse as well. Man even as I type this it's all come flooding back for me, how it was last year.
All I can say is that once most of the storm has passed, however it's passed, you will really feel good knowing that you took the high road.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
FIB, re; inspirational stories. To quote Rascal Flatts, "what hurts the most is being so close".
I feel like that Molly Shannon character on Saturday Night Live, quoting after school movies to best express her feelings. hahahahaha....haha....ha....
Just got off the phone with the orhto's office. My surgery has finally been approved, I'm scheduled for the 26th.
Not to be a baby or anything, but this frikkin' hurts! I want it fixed and the ability to workout like a madman again. I turn 40 in a few months, my objective is to be in the best shape of my life up to this point by my b-day.
Not being able to do any cardio, or leg work has been putting a serious crimp in that plan. This will go a long way towards acheiving that goal.
